How reflecting on your childhood can guide you through motherhood

Motherhood has this brutal part no one really talks about. It makes us question every part of who we are and what our life is meant to look like.

One minute, you’re folding tiny babygrows and wondering how you got so lucky. The next, you’re standing in the middle of a messy living room, overwhelmed, overstimulated, and thinking, "I don’t even recognise myself anymore."

We all go through this cocktail of emotions and lose ourselves a little. Sometimes it’s the version of who we thought we’d be. Sometimes it’s our identity completely. We all have those moments where we feel like we’re getting it wrong, which makes so much sense when you think about it. This is a job we’ve never been trained for. And it's the most important job in the world, but in my opinion, it’s also the hardest. You're not failing. You're learning. And learning can be messy.

Even when you feel completely disconnected, like you don’t know what you’re doing or who you are anymore, there’s a part of you that knows. You haven’t lost it. What you’ve been moving through is something we don’t talk about enough – matrescence.

What is matrescence?

Matrescence is the word we should all be told when we become mums. It’s the emotional, psychological, and hormonal transition into motherhood – like adolescence, but no one warns you about it. It’s messy, disorienting, and full of identity shifts. And within that mess is something powerful.

Because somewhere inside all of us is a blueprint. It’s shaped by what we needed when we were little. It’s built from what hurt and what healed us. And the more we listen to that younger version of ourselves, the more we realise we’re not starting from scratch – we’re already carrying the wisdom we need.

That part of you – your younger self – holds more insight than any parenting book ever could.

Why can we feel so lost in motherhood?

Before I had kids, I was me. I loved fashion. I dressed up. I felt creative and confident. I had control.

Then motherhood happened, and slowly, that version of me began to disappear. My body changed. I stopped feeling glamorous. I swapped heels for leggings and nights out for soft play.

Instead of compliments, there were comparisons. Instead of confidence, there was guilt. And I started to wonder if that old version of me was gone for good.

But what I’ve come to understand is this: That lost feeling doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means something deeper is being asked of you.

Your younger self knows the way

When we feel overwhelmed or triggered in motherhood, it’s often not just about what's happening in the moment. It’s our younger self – the part of us that didn’t feel safe, or seen, or soothed – speaking up.

We go searching for advice. We scroll, read, and compare. But deep down, you already know the answers you're looking for. We're just too tired and too in it to figure them out – and that is why therapy can be so life-changing. It gives you the chance to zoom out and see the bigger picture and stop worrying about things that don’t really matter.

Therapy can help you learn to trust yourself again, or maybe for the first time. I really believe that on the other side of matrescence, with the right support, it can be the place where you figure out who you really are.

You don’t need to create a brand new map. You just need to listen to the little girl inside you – the one who still remembers what she needed.

Journal prompts to reconnect with your blueprint

Here are a few simple questions that I have created to help mothers reconnect with themselves and reimagine the kind of mum they want to be.

Even just thinking about your answers is a powerful start.

What did I most need as a child but didn’t always get?

I needed to be told I was important. I needed my mum to just stop and listen. She was always overwhelmed, and without meaning to, she taught me I was too much. I learnt to deal with things on my own, and I never want my kids to feel like that.

Now, I choose to show up differently:

• I give them one-to-one time.
• I turn off my phone.
• I sit with them in the bath and chat.
• I tell them every day that I’m happiest when I’m with them.

What small moments made me feel loved, safe, or proud?

This one was hard. And it made me feel really sad for the little version of me.

I know my parents loved me, but they didn’t show it much. We were emotionally disconnected – but I know I was safe, and that they did the best they could.

Now, I make it my mission to tell my kids I love them. Every day. I want them to know they’re safe to be themselves. Safe to share their big feelings. Safe to not be perfect.

What kind of mum do I wish I’d had on my hardest days?

I wish I had a mum who said, "Come on, let’s do something fun. I want to cheer you up." Someone who didn’t always need an explanation before offering connection. Someone who encouraged me to keep going when things felt hard, who reminded me that the struggle is what makes us strong.

That’s who I try to be now.

What would I say to my younger self if I could sit beside her right now?

Your parents loved you in the best way they knew how. They weren’t loved in the way they deserved, either – and so they couldn’t always show up in the ways you needed. But you are breaking the cycle. You are doing it differently. And they are, too – now being the grandparents your kids need.

You don’t have to heal everything overnight

Parenting is not a test. It’s a relationship. There’s no grade. No perfection. Just presence.

Every time you pause and reflect on what you needed… Every time you offer even a small piece of that to your child, or to yourself… You are healing. You are breaking cycles. You are becoming the parent you needed.

You don’t have to do it all. Just the fact that you are reading this shows me you are already doing enough – and I promise if you stopped listening to your inner critic or comparing yourself to other mums' highlight reels, you would see you’re doing better than you think.