How does bereavement impact on sex and intimacy?

There is still a reluctance for many to talk about grief openly. Talking about sex can feel awkward, too. Add sex and grief together, and it may become impossible to talk about them in relation to each other. Yet death can impact a bereaved person’s sex drive, trigger feelings of sexual loss, a fear of being judged, or being considered ‘not normal’.

Just like grief, the impact on a person’s sex life after bereavement is unique to the person. There is no right or wrong way, no normal or timescale, for sexual loss.  

Decrease in sex drive

Grief is exhausting, all-consuming and can cause low mood, or the onset of depression or make existing depression worse. This may cause a reduction in sex drive. A person may feel guilty for not being able to meet their partner's sexual needs at this time.

The bereaved person may feel more isolated in their grief when sexual intimacy is no longer an outlet, and their partner may feel hurt or rejected.  If not discussed, this has the potential to cause problems in the relationship.

Increase in sex drive

Sex is familiar, comforting and releases feel-good neurotransmitters that can give some reprieve from the pain of grief. Sex may also be life-affirming in the face of the reality of death, providing hope, connection and attachment to the living.

Sometimes, an increase in sex drive can be used as a distraction, a way to avoid feeling grief. For those in a relationship, this may lead to the partner feeling confused. Talking with your partner and explaining your feelings will help to overcome the confusion.

For some, the distraction can increase their desire for one-night stands, or seeking out painful sex as a way of ‘feeling’ when numbed by grief. Recognising this is important as stopping the use of sex to avoid feelings of grief will enable emotions to be released and processed safely.

The loss of a partner

The death of a partner can lead to feelings of sexual loss. Feelings include fear they will never find someone else, feelings of guilt/cheating for wanting to be with someone else, fear of being judged ‘it’s too soon’, or ‘you should have moved on by now’.  

For older clients, the loss of sex may feel disenfranchising. But older people do have active sex lives in their 60s, 70s and beyond.

The loss of a child

The death of a child, no matter what age, is devastating. It will affect every aspect of a couple’s relationship, including their sex lives. This applies to same sex couples as well as heterosexual couples.  

Partners may have different sexual needs after the death of a baby or child. There may be birth trauma or physical issues that make sex painful. One partner may need the closeness of sex and the intimacy it brings, whilst the other may prefer to be held, to feel close and comforted.

There is no normal here at all; it is so unique to each of us. The most important thing to remember is to keep talking and listening to each other.

Disenfranchised sexual loss

I have already touched upon how sexual loss can be disenfranchising for older people. However, there are other communities impacted this way, too. For the LGBTQ+ community, grief is already disenfranchised. Sexuality may have been kept private. A bereaved person in this situation may feel very isolated, with no one to talk to about their loss.

For women who have had to make the difficult decision to terminate their pregnancy, their grief is often disenfranchised, and sexual loss is rarely acknowledged. The same applies to women who have had to have a termination for medical reasons. The loss is so great, and the feelings, emotions around grief are so unique to everyone.

What is normal?

There is no normal! Sex life can be impacted by loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve after a bereavement. If you are experiencing sexual loss, there is no right or wrong way, whether a reduced or increased sex drive, or no change at all.

What is important is to allow yourself to grieve not only for the person but for the other losses their death may have generated, like sexual loss.

Talking about it, listening to partners, friends, relatives, being open that experiencing a bereavement has had an impact on your sex life can feel awkward. But it is real, it happens, and more importantly, it is normal.