Holding them lightly – supporting teens through the tough times

Before I had qualified as a counsellor many moons ago, a fellow trainee shared some words of wisdom that I often come back to. I was talking about something that seemed urgent, immediate, and important, she listened to me empathetically and then gently told me “Like all things, hold this lightly”.

She talked about letting a bird settle on her hand and how that if she held on to it there would be injury as it tried to fly away. She explained how she liked to think of her feelings like that bird, and she tried to not get too attached to them to allow them the freedom to change.

I like this imagery very much, but for the purpose of describing supportive parenting, and indeed counselling, I like to talk about “hand holding”.

If you hold on to a person’s hand too tightly, and without their consent, then you will cause discomfort for you and for them. So, if you notice your teen (or indeed anyone you care for) needs help, be that because it is something they have told you, you have been told by someone else, or you have concluded, you should start by metaphorically offering them your hand.

In reality, this looks like calmly making them aware that you are there should they need you and that taking your offer of support (or hand) will involve you working through it together, not dragging them to a place they don’t want to visit.

What does effective handholding look like?

Effective handholding involves:

Being patient and resilient

In offering your support you should be aware that it may not be taken. This can feel scary and also like rejection, bringing with it feelings of anger, shame and sadness and the desire to find ways to ensure your offer is taken up so that you don’t have to experience those feelings.

Try to resist the urge to act out on these emotions as this reaction will be experienced as pressure and that will feel like very tight hand holding to a young person who is struggling. Know that calmness and patience can be incredibly containing and much more productive than many forms of action.

Being curious and encouraging curiosity

As a counsellor who often works in schools, I know how hard it can be to not assume you have seen it all before. The social issues encountered in Years 8 and 9 can feel tedious unless I hold lightly my prior knowledge and get curious about the young person’s experience.

If a person feels your desire to understand they will soon share that desire and get curious themselves. With curiosity comes increased clarity and with clarity comes agency.

Don’t drag!

Good hold-handling involves agreeing a pace – think about what happens when one person in a three-legged race runs ahead. To avoid falling over you will need to either explicitly or implicitly agree on how fast you go and in which direction you travel.

Being brave

Holding someone’s hand through difficulty involves courage. The need to drag someone you care about away from an uncomfortable experience and to a place that feels more positive can be so strong, but the benefits of staying alongside the struggling person are huge. You will be allowing them to process and learn and you will be teaching them that you are there for them no matter what.

Hold lightly

There will come a time when they don’t need you to hold their hand anymore, and if you are holding lightly, then when it feels okay they will be able to let go without hurting themselves or you. They will also be more inclined to hold your hand again when next it is needed and offered.

All of this can feel extremely challenging for a parent so if you find yourself struggling, then do not be afraid to seek out someone to hold your hand, be this a person you know and trust or a counsellor.

Many parents find the judgement-free space created in the therapeutic relationship is exactly what they need in order to be able to take care of themselves whilst taking care of their children.