Helping your teen cope with the pressure to be perfect

The pressure on teens to be 'perfect' is not new. They need to stand out, but not too much, to sail through school, homework and extra-curricular activities, all while getting along with their peers, parents and other adults around them. It also involves carrying a hidden weight that is hard for parents to spot.

Whilst it's not unusual for teens to want to do well at school, fit in with their peers, and feel good about how they present themselves, for some young people, the drive to succeed can easily tip into a more intense and unrelenting pressure to be perfect.

What does perfectionism look like in teens?

Perfectionism in teens might show up as a constant push for better grades, maintaining an entertaining and immaculate appearance on social media, or simply never wanting to disappoint. This kind of pressure is overwhelming, affecting everything from self-esteem to sleep, and, in some cases, can lead to anxiety or burnout.

What are some common signs that your teen might be struggling with perfectionism? Where is this pressure coming from, and - most importantly - what can you do to support them in finding balance and confidence and being a bit kinder to themselves? 

Signs your teen might be struggling with perfectionism

Some common signs that perfectionism may be affecting your teenager include:

• Fear of failure or intense reaction to even the smallest mistakes.
• Procrastination (e.g. "How can I start when I know it's not going to be perfect?").
• Spending excessive time and headspace on schoolwork, appearance, or social media.
• Constant self-criticism and low self-esteem.
• Mood swings, anxiety or issues with sleep.
• Constantly seeking reassurance and praise for every little thing.
• Withdrawing socially or from hobbies they once enjoyed.

Where does the pressure to be perfect come from?

A lot of young people feel pressure from academic expectations, where failure doesn't feel like an option and high grades must be achieved if they stand any chance of succeeding. Peer pressure involves another sort of conformity to fit in or to look or act a certain way. This may sound familiar to your experience as a teenager, but it is now relentlessly amplified to the max by social media. Like it or not, your teenager is exposed to the constant comparison to curated lives and a culture of 'likes'. 

While you want only the best for your child, even unspoken parental expectations on young people can feel heavy. It's worth considering the expectations you set for yourself as a parent. Your teen picks up on how you speak to yourself and respond to your own mistakes. The truth is no one is perfect, and, honestly, your kids don't need you to be. They just need you to be present.

The impact on mental health

There is a definite connection between perfectionism and mental health concerns, such as anxiety, depression and burnout. A constant feeling of never being good enough takes its toll, and for the developing brain, the impact of chronic stress is significant, let alone what it's doing to your teen's view of themselves.

How parents and carers can support teens with perfectionism

Keep conversations about experiences and feelings open so your teen feels comfortable sharing what's going on in their life. And when they express a thought pattern that's not helpful, gently challenge their thinking.

For example, if they are berating themselves for getting a 'B' on a test and calling themselves stupid, acknowledge their disappointment and encourage them to recognise the effort they've put in and think about what they might do differently next time. By keeping the focus on perseverance, progress and effort rather than just the outcome, you can help them set realistic goals. 

Do any of these perfectionist traits resonate with you? It's important to keep an eye out for your own perfectionist tendencies! Show your child that it's OK to make mistakes. Tweens and teens learn from watching how the adults around them manage challenging situations, so practice self-compassion when you slip up. Why not embrace imperfection by trying something new, just for the fun of it?

A tendency toward perfectionism comes from a good place: wanting to do well, feel in control, and not let others down. But left unchecked, perfectionism isn't helpful; it's futile, exhausting and can impact our mental health.

Create a counterbalance to this pressure through an environment where your teen feels safe to be imperfect, take risks, and enjoy just being themselves. And remember, you don’t have to have all the answers. Being present, listening with curiosity and showing compassion for your child and yourself goes a long way.