Helping autistic clients to benefit from non-directive therapy

Many therapists work non-directively (they won’t tell you what to do). This is an ethical, potentially noble, aim in person-centred counselling. It is one of the elements which attempts to make the therapy relationship useful and safe for the client. As a client, it respects your autonomy and trusts that you have the inherent capacity to know your own mind. It refuses to tell you what you “should” be doing or feeling.

However, entering a space where the therapist is non-directive can feel unfamiliar, confusing and at times unsafe to individuals, including many autistic individuals. This is a new space, and the therapist is not being clear about expectations!

If a therapist feels pressure to be “properly” non-directive, this could transmit to you feeling a pressure to be “properly” self-directing. But what if becoming self-directing is a valid aim of counselling for you rather than the starting point? It could feel like going wrong before even starting.

This article explores how well non-directiveness meets the needs of autistic people. In particular, looking at the problems and value of non-directiveness and thoughts on reframing it to make it more neuro-affirmative.

So, what's the problem with non-directiveness?

Previous experience of the world will always shape how we experience the current situation. If your experience growing up was one of being enjoyed and celebrated for being yourself and being heard when you struggled, then meeting a therapist who is taking their direction from you and meeting you where you are may feel like an immediate relief. Barriers are removed - you can explore what you need to.

But what if this is not your experience? 

• Perhaps you are used to being aware of an infinite number of rules but have no way of prioritising them.
• Perhaps you have a sense of expectations, but they are never spoken aloud, and you have no way of making sense of them. 
• Perhaps you heard a clear rule, but it was not always applied. 
• Perhaps you sought direction or clarity from others, but they weren't able or willing to provide it.
• Perhaps you tried to share your experience, but it wasn’t heard.

If this has been your experience, then someone waiting patiently for you to pick a starting point - and be vulnerable about what you are finding hard - may feel terrifying. It may feel like a recreation of past unsuccessful attempts to be you and feel like a set-up.

You might crave rules of engagement. Clarity about what is expected of you. Some direction.

The benefits of a non-directive approach to therapy

So why would a therapist being non-directive be helpful? As a relationship aim, it feels very central to how I, and many other therapists, choose to work. It is founded on a wish to support you to find your own sense of direction, foster a connectedness to self and support you to tune into and trust your intuitions. It's about recognising and challenging all the “shoulds” and getting closer to what feels natural to you.

It seeks to give you the space to experience choice over your feelings, beliefs and identity. It is also about trusting in your process and pace to get where you need to. My hope and experience is that a relationship based on this can support you to be or become an expert in who you are.

Above all, it's about allowing you the central space in your life, with the therapist attempting to align with your position. This relationship quality feels particularly relevant to me when working with autistic individuals, as it seeks to counter pressures which may have become familiar.

Pressure is often put on autistic individuals to conform and to behave in ways which don't feel instinctive. This pressure may come from society at large, in the projections of what successful people should look like.

It may come from work or school, where accommodating needs may be seen as burdensome. It may come from family, where even well-intentioned family members can get in the way of feeling comfortable being a relaxed and authentic self. Ill-intentioned family members may amplify that pressure tenfold. Then, eventually, it comes from the self. “I need to be different and show a different version of me to be ok”.

Pressure may also come from others' misunderstanding of sensory sensitivities. Misunderstandings can lead to repeated early instances of having experiences dismissed. For example, “it can’t be too loud - no one else has noticed” - “it doesn’t hurt - it’s just wool”. A lack of understanding and accommodating of sensory sensitivities can lead to a sense of invalidity. “What am I feeling, and is it wrong that I am?”

These may be the pressures which push autistic individuals to mask - to conform in a neurotypical world. I believe this can be damaging to the connection between intuition and choice, and can erode self-trust. 

Trusting your experience and aligning with it helps give space to strengthen a sense of autonomy and shows a belief in your right and ability to own your own experience. It feels to me like an antidote to masking.

Adapting non-directiveness in a neuro-affirming way

It can be useful to be explicit and collaborative about direction. I find it can also help to allow some structure and forward planning around direction. The intention remains to align with your direction, but it supports you to take time to develop that sense of direction.

Working out the purpose for therapy may start as a co-creation (with the therapist as junior partner) and move slowly towards you fully owning it. It may involve giving you a number of choices rather than an open choice if that feels overwhelming. Maybe a “menu” of potential starting points. We can keep choosing from the menu till we find the way in. 

It could be important to explain that not only the topics, but also the order and pace with which you want to explore those topics, is up to you. And, you are welcome to change or add to that list of topics or pace at any time. Regularly checking in on pace and expectations could be useful.

We might draw out multiple competing topics so they are all acknowledged. Some topics may be ready to go, some may be the result of questions the therapist asks. This may be directive at some level, but it may help you to engage fully. Having a picture of the exploration ahead may allow you the comfort of feeling more in control and more grounded.

Additionally, there may be instances where some direction may be needed if you feel unfamiliar with emotional language. It may feel potentially shaming to struggle to find the words to describe your emotions. It may be helpful to use cards detailing potential emotions. There may again be some direction involved, but it is aligned with getting closer to hearing your voice.

Finally, there may be instances where you are starting to feel lost in the intensity of the work. In such instances, it could be that the need to reinforce safety is the more important aim than being non-directive. An example might be if you are feeling shame or self-judgment for not knowing what to say.

Empathy with that feeling - perhaps fear - and an offer to step back into a safer topic may be more helpful than leaving you with an open choice you feel disconnected from. In such an instance, a step back into a “safe” topic would often be an invitation to talk more about a personal interest. There is so often relief and growth - and a transmission of enthusiasm - in sharing something which you feel intensely about.

Final thoughts

It feels really important that you, as a client, own your exploration and get to choose how it is shaped. No one else should get to say where you should or shouldn’t go. However, I think that being alongside you in that exploration, and providing structure and flexible edges for it, can be helpful. We can keep moving towards self-direction (or non-directiveness for the therapist), but know that there is no shame in not knowing how to start. Or end. But that’s a separate topic!