Grief: Language no one wants to learn, but we all become fluent

Grief isn’t just about losing someone. It’s about losing a part of yourself in the process. It rewrites your story, shakes your identity, and leaves you staring at a life you no longer recognise.

I don’t have 25 years of experience, but I have something just as important – an unshakable understanding of grief, both professionally and personally. I’ve sat on both sides of the counselling room. I’ve experienced a loss that no words could fix, and I’ve walked with others through the same shadowed valleys.

This isn’t an article full of clichés about “moving on.” It’s about what grief feels like, how it changes you, and what healing looks like.

Grief beyond death: The losses we don’t name

People assume grief belongs only to funeral homes and cemetery plots, but I’ve learned that grief wears many faces.

A client once told me, “I feel ridiculous even being here. Nobody died. I just lost my job.” Yet she sat in my office feeling like the ground had disappeared beneath her. She wasn’t just mourning a paycheck – she was grieving her sense of purpose, identity, and future.

Grief isn’t just about death. It’s about:

• The executive who lost her identity after retirement.
• The couple grieving the children they could never have.
• The person mourning their health after a diagnosis.
• The survivor grieving their sense of safety after trauma.
• The parent grieving the child they imagined, now facing a different reality.

One of the most unspoken forms of grief is what I call anticipatory identity grief – mourning not just what’s gone but who you thought you would become. The divorced person grieving not just their marriage but the anniversaries that will never happen. The athlete whose injury stole not just their present but their entire future.

The worst part? Society doesn’t validate these griefs. There are no casseroles, no condolences – just an expectation to “move on” as if nothing happened.

In grief therapy, we name these losses. Because what stays unspoken doesn’t disappear – it just buries itself deeper, resurfacing later as anxiety, depression, or exhaustion.

The identity shift: Who am I now?

"I don’t even recognise myself anymore,” a widowed client told me. “It’s not just that I miss him. It’s that I don’t know who I am without him."

This is the hidden battle of grief – it’s not just about losing someone or something. It’s about losing yourself.

Every major loss forces an identity shift.

• A mother whose child has died is still a mother – but what does motherhood look like now?
• A divorced person isn’t just grieving a relationship – they’re grieving their identity as a spouse. 
• Someone who loses their career isn’t just missing a paycheck – they’re missing a part of themselves.

I often use the metaphor of a stained-glass window in grief therapy. When a significant piece is shattered, you can’t just patch it up and expect the window to look the same. You have to rebuild it completely – using the remaining pieces but in a new pattern.

This isn’t about “getting over” grief. It’s about learning to exist inside the new reality it leaves behind.

Challenging the myths: What grief looks like

One of the biggest struggles in grief isn’t just the loss itself – it’s the weight of society’s expectations.

• “Shouldn’t I be over this by now?”
• “Time heals all wounds, right?”
• “I should be able to move on.”

I hear these phrases in almost every session. And they’re wrong.

Mmyth: “Time heals all wounds”

Time alone heals nothing. I’ve met people decades into their grief who are still stuck in the same pain as their first day of loss. Healing isn’t about waiting but what you do with the time.

Grief is something you have to actively process – it does not disappear just because days, months, or years have passed.

Myth: “There are 5 stages of grief”

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

Sounds neat. Too bad grief doesn’t work that way.

Grief isn’t a checklist. It’s an ocean – sometimes calm, sometimes stormy, constantly shifting. You might feel acceptance one day and anger the next. That doesn’t mean you’re “doing it wrong” – it means you’re human.

Myth: “Moving on is the goal”

The truth? You never move on. You move forward – with your grief, not without it.

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean closing the chapter. It means learning how to carry the loss differently.

Grief changes you. But it doesn’t have to destroy you.

Coping strategies: What helps

After working with so many grieving clients, I’ve learned what works – and what doesn’t. Here are a few fundamental strategies that help people healthily process grief:

1. Express it, don’t suppress it

Many clients tell me they’re trying to “stay strong” by bottling up their grief. That’s a recipe for long-term emotional pain.

What helps: Writing letters to the person or thing you lost (even if you never send them), speaking your grief out loud, and using art, music, or movement to express emotions when words fail.

2. Rewrite your narrative

Grief disrupts your life story. It splits your life into ‘before’ and ‘after’ – but you get to write what happens next.

What helps: Journaling about what this loss has taught you. Exploring new aspects of yourself. Creating rituals to stay connected to what you’ve lost while moving forward.

3. Balance grief and life (the dual-process approach)

Grief isn’t something you face all the time. It’s healthiest when you move between grieving and rebuilding.

What helps is setting intentional times for grief (like a morning ritual of remembrance) and allowing yourself to engage in life afterwards without guilt.

4. Seek professional support

Even the most loving friends can’t always provide what professional grief therapy can.

• A non-judgmental space where you don’t have to protect others’ emotions.
• Techniques that help process grief in a way that prevents long-term emotional damage.
• Recognition of when grief is turning into complicated grief or depression.

Grief as transformation: Carrying loss with meaning

The clients who heal most profoundly aren’t the ones who “get over” their grief the fastest. They’re the ones who let it shape them into someone stronger, deeper, and more connected to life.

• A widow who lost her husband but found a new purpose in supporting others.
• A father who lost his child and turned his grief into advocacy.
• A woman who channelled heartbreak into art that healed her. 

They didn’t “move on.” They moved forward – with their grief, not without it.

If you’re ready to take the next step, reach out to a professional. Because your grief matters. And so does your healing.