Forgiveness vs acceptance: Finding peace and healing

I am not all that big on forgiveness. I think that the act of forgiveness contains a judgment. There is an implication that in forgiving someone, I come from a (slightly?) superior place—"I am in a position to forgive you."

There is also a danger with forgiveness: when someone is forgiven, they can carry on with impunity. They do not necessarily have to face the consequences of their actions. Real peace and happiness come from living in our compassion and acceptance—the opposite of judgment.

When forgiveness works

If someone asks for your forgiveness—say, an unfaithful husband—and you can deeply forgive them, that has a very different energy. Forgiveness in that instance is very powerful.

So, forgiveness works when combined with someone taking responsibility for their actions.

Maybe you can’t or won’t forgive them?

But what if you find it hard to forgive someone - maybe what they did seems unforgivable to you. What if they are not sorry about what they did and show no remorse?  

What can you do to stop what has happened from eating you up and being burdensome to you?

What about the feelings you are left with? The hate, fear, resentment, or shame—how can you stop these from turning into bitterness or self-hatred?

Is there an alternative?

Acceptance

Coming to terms with something. The realisation of a fact or truth and the process of coming to terms with it

Some people struggle with the notion of acceptance because it implies that what someone did was acceptable. This is not my view of acceptance. We can accept what someone has done without condoning or agreeing with it.

When you accept that something has happened without judgment, you can separate your feelings from someone’s actions.

You no longer need to feel shame, guilt, anger, or hurt. While it isn’t a pleasant memory, the feelings will no longer burden you and cloud your current relationships.

Acceptance can heal and bring calmness and peace to people no matter how deep their pain is.

"Kat"

Kat looked after her partner, Gary, who suffered from dementia for many years. She felt hurt and let down by several of their close friends, as they did not stay in touch with either of them throughout the difficult time when he was ill and eventually passed away.

After his death, as Kat picked up her old life and came into contact with these friends, she found it difficult to pretend nothing had happened and did not feel the same towards them.

Her friends outright told Kat that she should not hold a grudge against them and should forgive them for the fact that they could not cope with Gary’s illness.

Kat could understand that point of view. She had found it very hard to cope herself, but what she couldn’t forgive was the fact that they had not been in touch at all and now expected their friendship to continue as if nothing had happened and that her inability to do that was her problem—if only she would forgive them, everything could be resolved.

Kat felt hurt by their actions and being abandoned by her friends at such a time was ‘unforgivable,’ and she couldn't forgive them. This turned into criticising and beating herself up for being such a terrible person as she did not want to forgive them.

Kat came to accept that they are as they are. They are people who cannot cope with illness and death and so avoid it. She did not have to make any judgment about them—they were not right or wrong, or good or bad; she simply accepted that is how they are. We are all flawed and imperfect!

She also accepted that, while she felt their behaviour was unforgivable, they felt differently and had a different point of view (what they had done was forgivable to them).

Once Kat had accepted both of these ‘truths,’ she immediately became clear, stopped beating herself up for not being able to forgive them, and decided that they were not the friends she thought they were and did not want a close relationship with them now. She let go of her judgments and feelings towards them and—more importantly—how she felt about herself and moved on.