When love hurts: what does healthy love really mean?

Love, love, love. What a beautiful word. We use the word love so often, but have we ever stopped to ask ourselves what love really means and, more importantly, what it should feel like?

Love can be understood as the moment when another person becomes deeply significant to us, creating a natural desire to care about their wellbeing. But love can mean very different things to different people.

How do we learn about love?

For many of us, our first experience of love comes from our parents or caregivers. As children, we begin to learn whether love feels safe, comforting, accepting or frightening and unpredictable.

Sometimes, these early experiences follow us into adulthood. If we learned that love had to be earned, we may grow up constantly trying to prove our worth. If we learned that affection could disappear at any moment, we may become fearful of abandonment.

We may then find ourselves in relationships where we feel anxious, controlled, or constantly walking on eggshells. This is why it is important to question what we have been taught about love.

Do we really have to fight for love?

We often hear: “You have to fight for love”, but why should love feel like a battle? Why should you have to constantly prove yourself, change who you are, or do everything another person wants because you are afraid they might leave?

If your mind is constantly on high alert, wondering what you might do wrong, worrying whether they will leave, and trying to keep them happy, ask yourself: Am I experiencing love, or am I fighting to survive the relationship?

Healthy relationships require effort. There will be disagreements, difficult conversations, compromise, and opportunities for both people to grow. But there is a difference between working through difficulties together and constantly fighting to keep a relationship alive.

What does healthy love look like?

Healthy love includes:

• care – your wellbeing genuinely matters;
• respect – you are not controlled, humiliated, or belittled;
• honesty – you can communicate openly without lies or manipulation;
• freedom – you can have your own identity, friendships, interests, and choices;
• responsibility – when someone hurts you, they can acknowledge it and take responsibility;
• support – the person you love wants to see you grow, become confident, and live a fulfilling life;
• boundaries – you can say no without being punished for it;
• safety – you should generally feel emotionally and physically safe.

You can love someone and still walk away

Loving someone does not mean accepting everything they do. You can love someone and still say: “I love you, but I cannot be part of that.” You can care deeply about someone and still recognise that the relationship is hurting you. Walking away does not always mean you have stopped loving someone. Sometimes, it means you have finally started loving yourself too.

Don't lose yourself trying to keep someone happy

There is another kind of love we often forget: self-love. Loving yourself doesn't mean being selfish. It means recognising that your wellbeing matters too. It means knowing when something is hurting you. It means knowing when to say no.

It means understanding that you don't have to accept disrespect simply because you love someone. And perhaps most importantly, it means understanding that losing someone is not always the worst thing that can happen to you. Sometimes losing yourself is.

So, where are you?

Take a moment to ask yourself: Where are you in your relationship? Do you feel loved, respected, safe, supported, and free to be yourself? Or are you constantly fighting to be enough for someone else?

Love can require effort, patience, communication, compromise, and growth, but love should not require fear. It should not require you to constantly walk on eggshells.

Love is kindness, respect, care, and trust. It is about living in harmony and feeling that you can truly be part of a relationship while still being able to be yourself. Love should never make you feel that you have to lie, hide who you are, or constantly put someone else’s happiness before your own.

A healthy relationship is about finding a balance where both people feel valued, heard, respected, and free to be themselves. True love should bring peace, not make you lose yourself.

It should not make you lose your identity, and it should not cost you your peace. Real love should allow you to breathe.