Finding the right therapist: It’s more than being nice
Have you ever met someone and thought, "Wow, they’re so nice!" Perhaps you’ve even had that reaction to meeting a therapist. But what does nice actually mean? It’s such a small, simple word - just four letters - yet it’s an umbrella term that can encompass a wide range of qualities we seek in others.

For me, nice has always been about more than politeness. It’s about being regulated. In the past, meeting someone who was calm and grounded could actually make me feel unsettled. Why? Because their ability to stay present highlighted my own feelings of dysregulation. I come from a family where dysfunction and emotional chaos were daily occurrences. Someone who exuded calm and stability felt, oddly enough, unsafe.
Fast forward through years of personal therapy and professional work with trauma and complex cases, and my understanding of 'nice' has shifted profoundly. To me now, nice describes someone who is attuned - not just polite or pleasant, but deeply connected. A nice person is someone who can hold a conversation while staying emotionally present, reading subtle cues like body language, facial expressions, or the way we phrase our sentences.
A nice person notices what isn’t said as much as what is. They respond intuitively, meeting you where you are. Whether you’re chatty, quiet, or feeling a little off, they adjust. This ability to tune in creates a sense of safety and connection - qualities that are vital in a therapeutic relationship.
How does this apply to therapy?
When looking for a therapist, it’s common to try a session or two before deciding if they’re the right fit. It’s important to reflect on how comfortable you feel with them. Does their presence have a calming effect? A grounded therapist, one who feels safe and connected, can help you co-regulate during sessions.
Co-regulation is when a therapist uses their emotional stability and awareness to help you feel more stable, too. This doesn’t mean they’re doing all the work for you, but their ability to remain calm and present creates a space where you can begin to feel more regulated yourself.
For people with complex trauma, this can feel unfamiliar or even triggering at first. When you’re used to dysregulation, calmness might feel strange. But, over time, you learn that this sense of safety is not a threat - it’s a reflection of years of self-awareness and training on the therapist’s part.
What does connection look like in therapy?
Connection is more than just small talk or pleasantries. It’s about understanding and responding to the unspoken. A connected therapist notices when your tone changes, when your body shifts, or when there’s a pause that says more than words ever could. They stay with you in those moments, helping you feel seen and understood.
In essence, nice isn’t just about being kind - it’s about being present. It’s the ability to hold space for someone else in a way that feels safe, attuned, and authentic. Whether you’re in therapy or navigating everyday relationships, finding someone who embodies this quality can make all the difference.
So, when you meet someone and think, “They’re so nice,” perhaps it’s worth pausing to consider what that really means to you.
