Exploring love and attachment on screen - ‘One Day’

"You can live your whole life not realising that what you’re looking for is right in front of you." Through the lens of Emma and Dexter’s relationship, the popular 2024 Netflix TV series One Day, staring Ambika Mod and Leo Woodall (adapted from the book by David Nicholls, and previously made into a 2011 film staring Anne Hathaway), highlights how attachment styles - patterns of interacting in close relationships - shape the way we love, connect, and sometimes miss out on the love that we desire.

In One Day, we see two characters with contrasting attachment styles - Emma, whose anxious tendencies keep her longing for closeness, and Dexter, who exhibits avoidant traits that often lead him to distance himself from deeper connections. Together, they embody a dynamic that is familiar to many romantic films, where attachment patterns drive the tension and emotional arcs of the story.

Sometimes the relationship dynamics showcased in these films are blamed for endorsing the notion that if those with anxious attachment persist in a self-sacrificing strategy, where they endure their needs and feelings being neglected or rejected, then their persistent hopefulness will eventually win them the loving attention of a more avoidant partner. How does the narrative play out in this film?

From their initial spark, meeting on the night of their graduation from Edinburgh University, to their tragic near-misses over the years, Dexter and Emma’s relationship showcases how attachment styles influence the way we navigate intimacy. While Emma yearns for closeness and a greater sense of stability, Dexter’s fear of vulnerability keeps him at arm’s length, creating a push-pull dynamic that defines their love story. Narratives like these in books, TV and film resonate deeply with us because they delve into the universally felt tension between our innate desire for connection and the fears that often hold us back.

Research suggests that approximately 40%-50% of people have an insecure attachment style (characterised by struggles with closeness, independence and trust in relationships), although the intensity of these struggles varies widely. For some, it manifests as subtle fears of intimacy, abandonment or engulfment; for others, it leads to more deeply entrenched patterns that significantly impact and shape their relationships.

These portrayals of attachment in stories not only reflect our struggles but also provide a lens through which we can better understand ourselves. By recognising the attachment dynamics in the stories we’re drawn to, we may uncover the profound influence our patterns of relating have on our own relationships.

What does One Day teach us about love, timing and the ways we hold ourselves back?

How does its story reflect and draw attention to the ways attachment styles may be shaping our relationships and influencing our well-being and life choices?

What One Day captures so beautifully is how time - and life’s ups and downs - can slowly nudge us toward developing more secure ways of relating, even if it is messy along the way.

For Emma, her journey towards security begins with building her self-worth. At the start, her feelings for Dexter are deeply entangled with longing and insecurity, and her sense of self-value seems to highly tie-in with whether he sees her as desirable. In this way, she externalises her self-worth, seeking validation through his attention and emotional responses. While Emma feels a genuine love for Dexter, it is intertwined with a deeper need to feel secure and worthy, which she believes can be fulfilled through earning his consistent care.

However, this dynamic leaves her vulnerable, as her self-esteem fluctuates with his inconsistent reciprocation, perpetuating a cycle of her frustration and insecurity. Emma’s self-doubt often leads her to suppress her own needs, tolerating Dexter’s emotional unavailability in an attempt to maintain the relationship, even at the cost of her emotional well-being.

Over time, as the years pass, Emma cultivates a life independent of Dexter. She discovers more of herself in relation to others and grows in her ability to identify and vocalise what she wants and needs. By the time they reunite in Paris, she has stepped out of the role of waiting in the wings for his attention. Her self-awareness, personal growth and newfound sense of self-worth allow her to meet him as an equal, with recognition of her own value, rather than someone seeking validation. "I'm not the consolation prize, Dex. I'm not something you resort to. I happen to think I'm worth more than that." 

Emma’s deep love for Dexter endures throughout, revealing that her feelings were never solely driven by a need for validation. She genuinely values him for who he is, appreciating his unique qualities and the connection they share. However, she comes to realise a fundamental truth: she is worthy of love that offers consistent ever-present care. To uphold this truth, she sets boundaries that reflect her self-respect and value, risking the painful possibility of losing Dexter altogether if he refuses to meet them. In doing so, Emma acknowledges that her emotional well-being matters as much as Dexter’s, and that mutual respect and care are necessary for a balanced, healthy relationship.

Boundaries demand courage, as they require us to limit engagement with those unwilling to meet the baseline of care and respect we believe we deserve. For Emma, this means no longer tolerating Dexter’s emotionally dismissive behaviour, which makes her feel unseen and unvalued. “Dexter, I love you so much. So, so much, and I probably always will. I just don't like you anymore.” 

Ultimately, Emma’s journey is one of empowerment and self-accountability. She learns to hold Dexter responsible for the impact of his actions on her, while also embracing her responsibility for her own growth. Her decision to stop enabling their unhealthy dynamics pushes both of them toward change. By learning to respect her needs and prioritise her emotional well-being as equally important as Dexter’s, Emma redefines love - not as a process of waiting and proving, but as a shared space of mutual respect, where care is not only felt but actively demonstrated through behaviour.

Dexter embarks on his own journey of transformation. At the start of the story, his avoidant tendencies are evident in his efforts to numb difficult emotions and sidestep vulnerability. He distracts himself with superficial relationships, partying, substance use, and the pursuit of validation through fame. These fleeting pleasures and shallow connections aren’t merely signs of youth or hedonism; they keep him dwelling in the surface level, where he masks his insecurities with charm and bravado. Beneath it all, Dexter resists the vulnerability that true intimacy requires, avoiding emotional dependence on Emma or anyone else. Yet, despite keeping her at arm’s length, he sporadically relies on her as an emotional anchor, turning to her for moments of deeper connection.

Avoidant attachment is nuanced: while fear of closeness often defines it, the universal human need for connection persists, even if it’s suppressed or denied. Dexter’s avoidance manifests in over-reliance on self-sufficiency and a reluctance to engage emotionally with his own or others’ feelings. Resisting deeper connection ultimately leaves him feeling isolated and lacking a true sense of secure belonging. Though not physically alone, his fear of vulnerability blocks him from building and sustaining the emotional intimacy necessary to feel truly seen, heard and understood - and to offer the same to those trying to connect with him. It is moments of loss, failure and heartbreak - especially through a messy divorce - that force him to reflect, “You can’t just go through life thinking you can have it all, and still be…this person.” 

Gradually, Dexter begins to confront his long-suppressed feelings for Emma - feelings tied to the vulnerability he had consistently avoided, denied, and minimised. He finally acknowledges not only his desire for the closeness and authenticity she offers but also becomes willing to stop evading the deep fears of dependence he had resisted facing. By allowing himself moments of emotional reliance on her, Dexter had already started to bridge the gap between his need for connection and his resistance to it. Yet, he had long lacked the awareness and the necessary accompanying resolve to fully embrace vulnerability and connect more honestly with his emotional needs.

The failure of Dexter’s marriage underscores his realisation that his emotional well-being cannot be met in isolation. Through being challenged by Emma’s boundary, he starts to show up more authentically, moving away from the denial of his emotional needs and the resistance to the care others offer, particularly in relation to her. He begins to accept his human need for connection, understanding that vulnerability is inherent in the interdependence that deep intimacy requires. He recognises how his previous emotional detachment, especially toward Emma, prevented him from fully engaging with his feelings for her or with the love and support she offered him.

This shift in meeting his emotions more openly extends beyond his relationship with her, touching his connection with himself and others who matter in his life. Dexter begins to show up in ways that both honour his care for others and acknowledge his own need to be cared for in return, he reflects: “I thought I wanted to be a different person, but the truth is, I just wanted to be loved.”

Dexter and Emma’s relationship reflects the classic avoidant-anxious attachment dynamic. Emma’s longing for closeness contrasts with Dexter’s tendency to pull away, creating tension in their relationship and emotional misalignment. Their relationship is defined by near-misses and poor timing, highlighting how their attachment styles and individual growth often keep them out of sync. Yet over time, both characters influence each other's growth. Emma learns to value herself and seek relationships that honour her worth, while Dexter becomes more self-aware and emotionally available.

Although Emma and Dexter both exhibit insecure attachment patterns, their bond is ultimately a catalyst for change, leading both to moments of self-realisation and personal growth. Their journey reflects the challenges and rewards of navigating insecurity in relationships and underscores the transformative power of love and connection. When Dexter and Emma finally come together it feels less like a resolution of romantic tension and more like a mutual recognition: they’ve each gone on a journey and done the work to be ready for the love that has been waiting in each other for them all along.

So, what does all this mean for us in the real world, beyond the evocative musical score and the romantically rainy settings of a movie?

Firstly, Emma and Dexter remind us that attachment styles are not simply our destiny. They are not fixed, inescapable prisons we are trapped in. While we may lean towards anxious or avoidant tendencies, self-awareness and experience offer the potential for change, allowing us to move towards a more secure way of showing up for ourselves and for a partner. It’s not about achieving perfection (because no one is perfect), but about cultivating an awareness of our desire for growth, supported by conscious efforts to change. By starting with self-awareness, we can begin to show up more honestly - acknowledging our desires and fears - and holding ourselves accountable for the choices we make in our relationships.

Secondly, One Day highlights the importance of timing, not just in relationships but in our own personal journeys. Growth takes time. Sometimes we are not ready to embrace the love in front of us because we haven’t yet learned to be fully honest with ourselves about our desires or fears. We may not yet be prepared to accept these parts of ourselves. It’s also important to recognise that a person’s capacity to show up with value, care, and respect for us may reflect the work they need to do in their relationship with themselves. We can’t do that work for them, nor can we force them to confront it if they don’t yet see it or aren’t ready to embark on it. We must remember both the responsibilities and the limits of our personal agency and control in relationships.

Lastly, One Day serves as a reminder that we can grow through reflecting on the stories that resonate with us. Are you drawn to tales of unrequited love, messy breakups or transformational second chances? Maybe it’s worth exploring how these narratives mirror the dynamics you’ve experienced, or hope to experience, in your own relationships. At its heart, One Day is about two people learning, slowly and imperfectly, how to love. It’s messy, beautiful and achingly human, just like relationships in the real world. Whether you see yourself in Emma’s longing, Dexter’s struggles, or somewhere in between, their story reminds us that growth is possible - the journey towards shared love, rooted in self-love, is worth the effort.

Have you noticed any indication of your attachment style reflected in the stories you’re drawn to? Do you recognise moments of Emma’s hopefulness or Dexter’s hesitance in your own life? Let’s talk about it.