Attachment styles: Secure, anxious, or avoidant?

Our attachment style — whether secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganised — shapes more than just how we relate to others; it significantly impacts how we make decisions in life. From career moves to relationship commitments, our attachment styles influence how we evaluate risk, handle uncertainty, and approach major and minor choices.

Informed by foundational theories from John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, as well as recent studies on attachment and decision-making, this article explores how these early attachment patterns manifest in adulthood, shaping our everyday decisions. Understanding this connection can help us make more aligned choices and, if necessary, move towards healthier, secure attachment patterns with therapeutic support.

How attachment styles develop

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, proposes that the bonds we form with primary caregivers in early childhood establish a “blueprint” for future relationships. When children feel consistently safe, supported, and nurtured, they develop a secure attachment. This secure bond fosters self-worth and confidence, providing a strong foundation for handling challenges in relationships and beyond. In contrast, when caregivers are inconsistent or unresponsive, children may develop insecure attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, or disorganised.

These attachment styles shape our interactions and become subconscious patterns that influence how we make decisions, particularly in areas of our lives that require trust, commitment, and emotional investment. Modern research also indicates that attachment impacts our nervous system's response to stress, leading to more reactivity or withdrawal in insecure attachment styles.

Overview of attachment styles and decision-making patterns

Understanding the four main attachment styles and their impact on decision-making can shed light on our choices:

Secure attachment:

Individuals with a secure attachment style tend to make balanced, thoughtful decisions. They are comfortable with both closeness and autonomy, leading to a confident approach to risk-taking and long-term decision-making. Studies show that those with secure attachment report greater satisfaction in relationships and career stability.

Anxious attachment:

Anxiously attached individuals often fear rejection and seek reassurance, which can lead to overthinking and indecisiveness in decision-making. They may hesitate to make decisions independently, seek validation from others, or avoid risk due to fear of failure or disapproval.

Avoidant attachment:

Those with an avoidant attachment style tend to value independence highly and may avoid emotionally vulnerable situations. In decision-making, they often prioritise autonomy and may avoid choices that require emotional investment or dependency on others. Research suggests that avoidantly attached individuals often feel more comfortable with self-reliance, which can lead to a detachment from collaborative or relational choices.

Disorganised attachment:

This style, which combines aspects of both anxious and avoidant attachment, is often associated with a history of trauma or inconsistent caregiving. Individuals with a disorganised attachment may experience conflicting feelings about closeness and independence, leading to unpredictable or impulsive decisions driven by fear rather than self-assurance.

Attachment styles and relationship decisions

Our attachment style profoundly influences how we make choices in relationships. Research indicates that individuals with a secure attachment style are typically more comfortable with intimacy and setting healthy boundaries, allowing them to make balanced choices in relationships that align with their needs and values.

In contrast, people with an anxious attachment style often seek excessive reassurance from partners, leading to decisions that prioritise security over genuine connection. They might cling to relationships out of fear of being alone or avoiding conflict to prevent potential rejection, which can compromise their true needs.

Those with an avoidant attachment style tend to shy away from emotional vulnerability, making decisions that protect their independence. This can result in a reluctance to commit or difficulty opening up, often leading to a pattern of short-term relationships or avoiding intimacy altogether.

Disorganised attachment can bring a blend of both anxious and avoidant behaviours, where individuals may desire closeness but fear rejection, leading to cycles of conflict and impulsive decision-making in relationships.

Attachment styles in career and personal life decisions

Attachment styles also play a role in career choices and risk tolerance. Research highlights that securely attached individuals are generally more open to career challenges that align with their long-term goals, as their sense of security allows them to evaluate risks with a clear mind. They are more likely to engage in collaborative roles and pursue opportunities that contribute to personal growth.

Conversely, individuals with an anxious attachment style may lean towards jobs that offer greater security or external validation, often prioritising stability over fulfilment. Studies suggest that anxious attachment correlates with job insecurity and fear of failure, which can prevent them from pursuing meaningful career changes.

Those with an avoidant attachment style may seek roles that prioritise autonomy and minimise dependency on others. Their discomfort with emotional involvement can steer them towards positions that limit collaborative demands, potentially leading to career choices that feel isolating.

Disorganised attachment can lead to indecisiveness in career decisions, where individuals may feel conflicted between pursuing new challenges and fearing the unpredictability associated with them.

How therapy can help shift decision-making patterns

Therapy can be instrumental in helping individuals become more aware of their attachment patterns and make healthier, more intentional choices. Here’s how therapy can support decision-making across different attachment styles:

Emotionally focused therapy (EFT):

EFT is designed to address attachment-related issues by creating a secure therapeutic relationship. Studies show that EFT helps individuals recognise and reframe attachment-related behaviours, allowing them to make decisions that align with their true needs rather than insecurity.

Mindfulness-based approaches:

For individuals with anxious attachment, mindfulness helps manage the intense emotional responses that come with decision-making. Mindfulness-based therapy has been shown to improve self-awareness and reduce the impulsivity associated with anxious attachment.

Narrative therapy:

Narrative therapy allows individuals to reframe their attachment experiences and the narratives that impact their decision-making. For example, someone with avoidant attachment might learn to reframe their story from “I’m better off alone” to “I am capable of balancing independence and connection.”

Body-oriented therapies:

The nervous system’s role in attachment cannot be understated. Body-based therapies, such as somatic experiencing, help regulate the physical stress responses tied to attachment insecurity, allowing clients to approach decisions with a calmer, more grounded perspective.

Practical tips for making healthier decisions based on attachment awareness

Recognising your attachment style is the first step towards making decisions that are aligned with your values and genuine needs. Here are some practical steps to start the journey:

• Reflect on your attachment style: Take time to observe your decision-making patterns, particularly in relationships and work. Notice if you avoid vulnerability, seek excessive reassurance, or prioritise independence at the cost of connection.
• Develop self-compassion: Be gentle with yourself as you explore your attachment style. Self-compassion practices, such as journaling or self-affirmation exercises, can foster a healthier self-image and reduce decision-related anxiety.
• Build a supportive network: Surround yourself with people who provide positive reinforcement and secure connections, whether friends, family, or a therapist. Secure relationships can help you approach decisions with more confidence and clarity.
• Consider therapy: If attachment insecurity significantly impacts your choices, a therapist can help you work through these patterns. Therapy can offer tools to build secure attachments, enabling you to make choices from a place of confidence rather than fear or avoidance.

Moving towards secure decision-making

Attachment styles shape how we perceive ourselves and others, influencing our decisions in relationships, careers, and personal lives. However, we are not bound by these patterns. Therapy can provide the tools to shift insecure attachment styles towards secure, balanced decision-making. By recognising how attachment affects our choices, we can take steps to build self-awareness, seek healthier relationships, and ultimately make decisions that reflect our authentic selves.

If attachment-based challenges affect your life choices, seeking professional support can be an empowering step. Therapy offers a secure foundation for exploring attachment styles and making choices with confidence, compassion, and clarity.