Just go and play: what adults can learn from children

When children struggle emotionally, adults often instinctively turn toward play as a way of supporting, settling and repairing any ruptures. A child who is frightened, overwhelmed, or shut down may not sit down and explain what they’re feeling or experiencing in words, but they may reveal it in stories, games, or imagination.

Through the lens of play, we can learn a lot about that individual in gentler, more nuanced ways that would not be as accessible through interrogation and social communication. On top of that, play itself can be a therapeutic and fluid space for that child to self-regulate. Through play, children process difficult experiences, experiment with emotions, test limits, and discover a sense of mastery over uncertainty.

Play as a psychological space for growth

The psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott famously argued that play occupies a “potential space” where growth becomes possible. It is in this psychological territory – neither fantasy nor rigid reality – that people experiment, imagine, and discover themselves. (Winnicott, 1971). While his ideas emerged partly through observations of children, they remain relevant to adulthood. In many ways, therapy offers a protected environment in which adults are permitted to experiment again.

Why do we stop playing as adults?

So, why do we then treat adults differently? Somewhere between childhood and adulthood, play loses its own unique space and is reassigned to the category of leisure – something that we’re encouraged to do but which is optional at best, unserious and even for some perceived as being indulgent.

When adults are navigating challenging experiences in their lives, they are more likely to be told to master coping strategies, regulate better, be more focused on routines, or rationally describe, often to a therapist, what they’re feeling. That is not to say that these strategies are not effective, but there might well be a missing piece that is staring us in the face. For some reason, play starts to fade in our lives, just when maybe life is becoming more difficult.

The misconception that play is just leisure

I wonder whether there is a misconception of what play is. It is not just about games, recreation, or amusement, but a psychological process that is relevant throughout our whole lifespan and not just in our younger years. We almost need to be permitted to return to play throughout our lives and make it not just a peripheral add-on in our lives, but something central.

What play teaches us in childhood

Much of developmental psychology suggests that play is not trivial in childhood. Children use play to process emotions such as fear, imagine and practice relationships, learn how to negotiate conflict, and make meaning of experiences that are not always understandable through more conscious and logical means (Piaget, 1962; Vygotsky, 1978; Pellegrini, 2009). If we think about a child playing out roles, whether in a fictional “school” or “family” game or scene, they are not only enjoying themselves but learning about social roles, emotions, and rules.

Play has been shown to be important for emotional regulation, with storytelling, sensory aspects, social interactions and humour (Russ, 2004; Ginsburg, 2007). It is a great defuser for challenging topics when life presents challenges. We can experiment with play and not worry about consequences and mistakes. We can rehearse, invent different identities, make changes, and allow ourselves to fail without feeling overwhelmed. We can, above all, learn to manage uncertainty.

Growing up: how play becomes devalued

So why does play become something that we mostly don’t associate with adults? All of these needs still exist whether we’re 5, 15 or 45, yet somehow we’ve been conditioned to just carry on and be grown-up. Adulthood is mostly framed as growing up, being serious, making decisions to allow ourselves to succeed, be productive, learn competencies, create certainty, and be efficient.

For many, if not most, we might have internalised this idea through family, school and other influences that time spent in playful, non-productive exploration is not serious or important and may even be referred to as wasteful, self-indulgent or childish. And what is wrong with something being childish?

When life gets hard, we need to play more, not less

In reality, adulthood is often about dealing with challenges in work, relationships, family, finances, health, and so much more. Such emotionally challenging issues often push us towards rigid behaviours as we try to create stability and certainty. At times when perhaps we could most benefit from play, we find ourselves moving away from imagination and end up often lacking drive, low in mood and overwhelmed.

Life stresses and challenges, which invariably precipitate people’s realisation that they need therapy, can restrict our spontaneity, experimentation and sense of safety. We forget to be flexible. I strongly feel that play really is the missing ingredient in our own self-help.

What play can look like in adult life

Play, in whatever form it comes in, allows for that flexibility. It gives permission for experimentation where there has been fear, whilst we can become curious where a negative mindset has taken over, or actively exploratory where there has been emotional shutdown. Importantly, play is not just about fun, toys, games or childish silliness. It is far broader than that.

It can take on so many different forms. Play might involve humour shared between friends during difficult times. It may look like karaoke singing or dancing to some music that you are embarrassed to be listening to. It might be doodling freely. It might be role-playing possible future paths you might go down. It might be trying out new hobbies. It might be joking. It might, of course, be gaming, board games, sport and other more obvious pursuits.

The quiet forms of play we often overlook

Perhaps it is the more subtle forms of play that might be the most effective, whether this is role playing, joking, experimenting, imagining, flirting, or inventing, and these may be the forms most of us forget as we get on with the seriousness of our lives.

Above all, play is about having no fear or judgement and being oblivious to what others might say or notice. This is particularly important in a culture shaped by achievement, productivity and perfectionism. Play doesn’t have to be something that ends up becoming measurable. It doesn’t have to have the outcomes we might seek in work, study or family life.

Play, therapy and psychological change

Many of the psychological attributes associated with good mental health resemble qualities found in play. Good therapy is not just about the serious, verbal and analytical space. It should allow for the more imaginative and playful sides of life. Much therapeutic change will depend upon capacities that resemble play (Winnicott, 1971; Brown, 2009). I like to get my clients to try out different behaviours that they wouldn’t normally exhibit, imagine alternatives, or explore fantasy futures.

Play matters because when we are struggling psychologically, our lives can feel small and rigid. We might feel that our possibilities have become narrow. We take fewer risks and imagine fewer alternatives. We stop laughing. We forget to be curious and look beyond what may be in front of us.

If children play to grow, adults may need play to continue adapting. We do not stop needing experimentation, imagination, emotional rehearsal, social connection, and symbolic meaning simply because we become older.

Giving ourselves permission to play again

The challenge may be allowing ourselves as adults to play. Many adults have grown up feeling embarrassed or ashamed of silliness, or guilty for engaging in activities without obvious usefulness. Yet there may be something psychologically important in reclaiming experiences that are more about connection, joy and exploration than purpose.

At a time when so many adults report exhaustion, anxiety, loneliness, and burnout, play deserves reconsideration, not as indulgence, but as part of what helps people remain emotionally alive.

References

Brown, S. (2009). Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul. Avery.

Ginsburg, K. R. (2007). "The Importance of Play in Promoting Healthy Child Development and Maintaining Strong Parent-Child Bonds." Pediatrics, 119(1), 182–191.

Pellegrini, A. D. (2009). The Role of Play in Human Development. Oxford University Press.

Piaget, J. (1962). Play, Dreams and Imitation in Childhood. Norton.

Russ, S. W. (2004). Play in Child Development and Psychotherapy: Toward Empirically Supported Practice. Lawrence Erlbaum.

Vygotsky, L. S. (1978). Mind in Society: The Development of Higher Psychological Processes. Harvard University Press.

Winnicott, D. W. (1971). Playing and Reality. Tavistock Publications.