Domestic abuse: The reality, the fear, and the way forward

The official definition of domestic abuse, according to the UK Government, is "any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and violent behaviour, including sexual violence, in the majority of cases by a partner or ex-partner, but also by a family member or carer."

That definition is important. It acknowledges that abuse isn't just physical - it's psychological, financial, emotional, and sexual. It's about control, power, and fear. But to someone living it, domestic abuse doesn't always come with clear-cut definitions. 

If you've been in it, or you're in it now, you might not think of it in textbook terms. You might just feel like you're constantly walking on eggshells. You might feel drained, worthless, or like you've lost yourself. Maybe you question whether it's even abuse - because they don't hit you, or because sometimes they're sorry, or because they tell you it's your fault. Maybe you stay because leaving feels impossible. 

Maybe you tell yourself it's not that bad because you've learned to measure 'bad' by bruises and broken bones, and if those aren't there, maybe it doesn't count. Maybe you've convinced yourself that you just need to try harder, be better, and stop making them angry. Maybe you've been made to feel like no one else would put up with you, that you should be grateful someone loves you at all. 

Or perhaps the good times keep you holding on. When they're kind, when they apologise, when they promise to change - it feels real, and it keeps hope alive. But then it happens again, and you feel stupid for believing them. You tell yourself that next time will be different. You tell yourself you'll leave if it gets worse. But where is that line? How much worse does it have to get? 

And the thought of leaving... It's paralysing. It means stepping into the unknown, facing uncertainty, and risking consequences you can't predict. It feels safer to stay, even when it isn't. The fear of the fallout - what they might do if you leave, how you'll manage alone - feels bigger than the fear of staying. So you stay. Not because you want to, but because you feel like you don't have a choice. 

How do you handle domestic abuse when you're still in it?

If you've realised you're in an abusive situation - or even if you haven't fully accepted that label but know deep down that something isn't right - that's a huge first step. But knowing doesn't always mean leaving is straightforward. The reality is, leaving can feel terrifying, and for good reason. 

For many, the realisation doesn't come with a clear label of 'abuse.' Instead, it comes with exhaustion, with the creeping thought of 'I can't live like this anymore'. Maybe you just know that you're constantly unhappy, constantly anxious, constantly adjusting yourself to avoid setting them off. Maybe you've started to see how different other relationships are, how love isn't supposed to feel like fear. Maybe you're realising that the relationship is toxic, unhealthy, or simply not safe - but even then, leaving still feels impossible. 

When you have children

The biggest fear? That leaving could make things worse. You may worry about how it will affect your children - will they be safe? Will you be able to provide for them alone? Abusers often use children as leverage, threatening to take them away or claiming no one will believe you. The idea of court battles, social services, and legal fees might feel overwhelming. 

You might also wonder whether you're doing the right thing. Maybe they're a good parent despite being a bad partner. Maybe you don't want to break up your family. But here's the truth: someone who abuses their partner cannot be a good parent. Full stop. 

Children don't just witness abuse; they live it. Even if they aren't the ones being directly targeted, they absorb every argument, every moment of fear, every shift in tension. They learn that love is conditional, that relationships are built on control, that walking on eggshells is normal. They may develop anxiety, struggle to form healthy relationships, or even grow up to repeat the same patterns. 

A good parent provides security, love, and stability. An abuser creates an environment of fear, stress, and unpredictability. No matter how loving they may seem in other moments, the damage is already being done. You leaving isn't just for you - it's for your children too, because they deserve to grow up in a home where love doesn't come with conditions or cruelty. 

When you're financially dependent 

Money is a prison many survivors find themselves locked in. If your abuser controls your finances, you might feel completely trapped. If you have no savings, no job, or a low income, the thought of starting over might seem impossible. The cost-of-living crisis makes this feel even heavier. 

Questions like: Where will I go? How will I afford rent? Who will help me? might swirl in your head constantly. If you have no family or friends who can support you, it may seem like your only choice is to stay. But there are options. Refuge spaces exist, financial aid is available, and support services can help you take small steps towards independence. You don't have to do it all at once. 

The fear of leaving - and the truth about it 

Leaving an abuser isn't just about walking out the door. It's about unlearning the fear they've instilled in you. Abusers make you believe you can't cope without them - that you're nothing on your own. But that's a lie designed to keep you stuck. 

It's okay to be scared. It's okay not to have all the answers. What matters is knowing that you deserve safety, freedom, and peace. You are not alone. There are organisations, legal protections, and people who will help you rebuild. It won't be easy, but staying in an abusive situation is never the safer option in the long run. 

If you're in immediate danger, call 999. If you need advice, organisations like Refuge, Women's Aid, and the National Domestic Abuse Helpline can help you make a plan. 

You are stronger than you think. And when you're ready, there is a way out. 

Take the next step

You don't have to figure everything out today. You don't have to make all the moves at once. But you can take one step. Whether that's reaching out to a trusted friend, researching local support services, or just allowing yourself to acknowledge that you deserve better, each small action brings you closer to freedom. 

If you're ready, help is out there. Reach out, ask for support, and remember: your life is worth more than just surviving. You deserve to live, to be safe, to be free. And when you're ready to take that first step, you won't have to do it alone.