Domestic abuse: Personal safety plan

Domestic abuse (also known as domestic violence) can take many forms, like physical, emotional, mental, financial or sexual harm. It often happens between people who are close, such as partners or family members. It's important to remember that anyone can be affected by abuse, regardless of who they are. 

In 2025, it was estimated that 9.5% of women (2.3 million) and 6.5% of men (1.5 million) in England and Wales experienced domestic abuse in the past year. Overall, 26.1% of adults (12.6 million) reported experiencing domestic abuse since the age of 16. A significant concern was the higher number of domestic abuse victims dying by suicide than being killed by their partners, with this trend continuing for the second year (“Redevelopment of domestic abuse statistics,” 2025). The statistics underscore that domestic abuse remains a pervasive societal problem that affects individuals regardless of gender, thereby emphasising the importance of safety planning for potential victims (Barber, 2023). Domestic violence is not just a private struggle; it ripples through families, communities and generations.

Crafting a personal safety plan is an essential step for individuals facing domestic abuse, and it requires a comprehensive approach that addresses immediate safety and long-term mental health and well-being (Sullivan, 2017). The creation of such a plan should be a carefully considered process, taking into account the nuances of the individual’s situation and the resources available (Cosh and Carslaw, 2016).  This process involves identifying safe spaces, establishing a code word with trusted individuals, and preparing an emergency bag with essential items (Dobash and Dobash, 2001). 

A robust safety plan should include strategies for protecting oneself during an emergency abusive incident, such as moving to a room with an exit, avoiding confrontation in confined spaces, and knowing how to call for help discreetly. It also entails documenting instances of abuse, which can be crucial for legal proceedings, and understanding the legal options available, such as restraining orders and protection orders. The importance of mental health support cannot be overstated, as domestic abuse can have lasting psychological effects on all victims. 

Why a personal safety plan for domestic abuse survivors is key

When you’re in an unsafe relationship, the idea of leaving can feel more dangerous than staying. Your life is at great risk. But sometimes, the safest act of love is the quiet, methodical act of escape. This article aims to be a lifeline for anyone experiencing domestic abuse - not a push, not a pressure - but a plan to think about and prepare for just in case. Because, whether it’s today or next year, you deserve the option to leave safely, calmly and on your own terms. And in order to consider that, you need to be prepared.

A personal safety plan is a detailed strategy designed to minimise harm and increase your safety if you are an individual facing domestic abuse, including children and other family members (Rivas et al., 2015). A critical aspect of a personal safety plan is recognising the patterns of abuse and triggers that may escalate violence (Hodes and Mennicke, 2018). This awareness allows you to anticipate potentially dangerous situations and proactively implement safety measures. It is also vital to address the emotional and psychological impact of abuse by integrating mental health support into the safety plan, which can involve therapy or support groups. Working with a therapist to think about, plan and create your personal safety plan is also a great idea. 

Domestic abuse involves a pattern of controlling behaviours exerted by one partner over another in an intimate relationship (as one example), manifesting through psychological, physical or sexual coercion (Ciriaka, 2021). It's characterised by the misuse of power to establish control and fear, encompassing physical violence, sexual assault and threats, but also extending to emotional abuse, social isolation and economic control (Mahajan, 2011; Johnson, 2014).

Developing a personal safety plan is a proactive measure that can significantly enhance the safety and well-being of individuals experiencing domestic abuse. Such plans should also consider the safety of children or other dependents, outlining steps to protect them from witnessing or being directly involved in the abuse (“What is Domestic Violence?,” 2016). Moreover, safety plans should be regularly reviewed and updated to reflect changes in the individual’s circumstances and the abuser’s behaviour, ensuring their continued effectiveness. Accessing resources such as helplines, shelters, and support groups is essential to note for developing a comprehensive safety plan.

Why you need a safety plan - even if you’re not ready yet

Domestic abuse doesn’t start with a slap. It often begins with emotional manipulation, coercive control, financial dependence and isolation. By the time physical harm is involved (if it even involves physical harm that is), your sense of self may already feel fractured - your nervous system overwhelmed, your decision-making clouded. This is not your weakness. This is your neurobiology.

Having a detailed safety plan is like setting up a secret insurance policy for your life. It's very important for you to have it in place and for it to exist in the background. Safety planning is not a one-time event but an ongoing process that needs continuous updating and adaptation to changing circumstances (Usher et al., 2021). A safety plan is essential because it provides a structured framework for action during a traumatic incident, a crisis, helping individuals to think clearly and act decisively even when under immense pressure. 

The brain and body in survival mode

When exposed to chronic stress and fear, your body enters a heightened survival state via the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis. This releases cortisol and adrenaline, activating your fight, flight, freeze or fawn response (Porges, 2011; Schore, 2012). Over time, you may experience:

• emotional dysregulation (amygdala overactivation)
• memory fog (hippocampal suppression)
• chronic fatigue, digestive issues, sleep disruption
• emotional numbness or hyper-vigilance

You’re not being indecisive. You’re surviving. Your body is measuring up the odds of the threat you’ve been placed under, prioritising immediate survival over your long-term mental health and wellbeing. A safety plan is designed to counteract these effects by providing clear, pre-determined steps that can be followed even when your ability to think clearly is compromised. 

A safety plan isn’t a sign you’re about to leave

It’s a sign you’re prioritising yourself. It’s a tangible expression of your self-worth and a commitment to your mental health and well-being, serving as a reminder that you deserve to live free from fear and violence (Lindhorst, Nurius and Macy, 2005). Safety planning can be particularly beneficial for individuals at risk of suicide, providing them with a prioritised list of coping strategies and support sources developed in collaboration with mental health support (Gamarra et al., 2015). The development of a safety plan should involve a collaborative approach, ideally with the support of a trained professional, such as a domestic violence advocate, therapist or social worker. A personal safety plan is a dynamic document, a lifeline map, designed to evolve with your specific needs and circumstances. 

Movie mirrors: Escape is hard, even on screen

Cinema often portrays “the big escape” - gripping and dramatic - but what’s rarely shown is the days, weeks or years of planning that lead to it. Films like:

• Sleeping With the Enemy (1991) - a woman fakes her death to escape her abusive husband.
• Enough (2002) - a mother trains to fight back after being stalked by her ex.
• Maid (Netflix) - shows the exhausting, humiliating bureaucracy a young mother must navigate to stay safe.

These portrayals reflect something real: leaving isn’t a moment, it’s a life-surviving, long process.

Safety planning: Your step-by-step survival blueprint

This plan is not to be rushed. It’s a slow, sacred preparation. Use it when you're ready and prepare it in stages if its needed. It’s okay if this feels too much to deal with on top of everything else that you are surviving. If you can get help and support to complete this, do. A safety plan should include strategies for increasing safety during an escalating incident. This involves identifying safe areas within the home, establishing escape routes and having a pre-arranged signal with neighbours or family members to call for help (Lindhorst, Nurius and Macy, 2005). The plan should also outline steps to take immediately after leaving, such as securing a protective order, changing locks and notifying relevant authorities. 

1. Gather documents

• Passport, driving licence, birth certificates (yours and children’s).
• Financial records (bank statements, insurance).
• Immigration papers (visas, residency, asylum documents). Keep scanned copies in a secure cloud folder or send them to a trusted person.

2. Secure finances

• Open a separate bank account in your name, preferably at a different bank.
• Save cash discreetly - small notes hidden in tampon boxes, books, baby items.
• Cancel shared direct debits and create financial independence when safe.

3. Pack an escape bag to always remain on standby

• Spare clothes, medication, keys, burner phone, chargers.
• Favourite comfort item (small photo, journal).
• Items for children (essentials, comfort toys).
• Keep this with a trusted friend or hidden in your car/cupboard/attic/workplace if safe.

4. Know your exits

• Map out routes to trusted places: police station, GP surgery, shelter.
• Pre-plan public transport and Uber routes.
• Identify “signal” phrases or emojis to use with allies (e.g. butterly means “Call me now”).

5. Confide in the right people

• One or two trusted, trauma-informed friends or professionals.
• Do not use joint friends or family who may betray your confidence.
• Choose listeners, not saviours.

6. Emergency contacts

• Save helplines under false names (e.g. “dentist”).
• Create a “panic plan”: who to call, where to go, what to take.

Trauma layers: When it’s not just your trauma

For many, especially those from collectivistic or South Asian backgrounds, leaving can feel like betraying the family. Cultural shame, intergenerational trauma and enmeshment can complicate the decision.

• Intergenerational trauma: Your mother stayed, your grandmother stayed - now your body feels the weight of the legacy (Kolk, 2014).
• Enmeshment trauma: You were raised to prioritise others, not yourself -leaving feels selfish.
• Sexual abuse trauma: Triggers of coercion and control make assertiveness feel unsafe.

You are not broken. You’re responding to years of abusive conditioning. Therapy can help you untangle these roots with safety and compassion.

The importance of trauma-specialist support

Therapists trained in domestic abuse and trauma can:

• Help you create personalised safety plans.
• Validate your survival strategies (yes, even the ones you're ashamed of).
• Rebuild your nervous system through co-regulation, body-based work and compassionate witnessing.

Safety planning is your nervous system regulation in action. It brings your prefrontal cortex (the executive function part of your brain) back online, helping you think clearly even when you’re scared.

Hidden considerations: What most people forget

• Turn off geolocation on all your devices.
• Leave behind smart tech that could be tracked (e.g. Apple Watch, Alexa).
• Take photos of bruises or messages and email them to a private account.
• Speak to a legal professional about custody, housing rights and protective orders.
• If you’re pregnant, consider extra medical support and pre-register at another hospital.

Your personal safety planning is not you or your relationship failing

If you’re reading this and still unsure whether to leave, that’s okay. There is no rush, there is no pressure. Creating a safety plan isn’t a declaration - it’s a lifeline. It’s a way to tell yourself: I am preparing for my freedom, even if I’m not ready yet. It's a protective solution for my safety and security. It's you succeeding in prioritising your safety amidst impossible circumstances.

An important note for you to remember - you are the expert in your own life. No one knows you like you do. No article or professional can replace your own intuition. This is your starting point, your guide. And that - planning, resisting, surviving - is a sacred act of your self-love.

References

Barber, C. (2023) “Providing the right support and care for male victims of domestic abuse,” British Journal of Nursing, 32(1), p. 20. doi:10.12968/bjon.2023.32.1.20. 

Ciriaka, M.G. (2021) “Attributions for the culture of silence among victims of domestic violence: A case of married men in Kenya,” International Journal of Psychology and Counselling, 13(3), p. 34. doi:10.5897/ijpc2021.0639. 

Cosh, A. and Carslaw, H. (2016) “Domestic violence and abuse,” InnovAiT Education and inspiration for general practice, 9(7), p. 404. doi:10.1177/1755738016644627. 

Dobash, R.E. and Dobash, R.P. (2001) “Domestic Violence: Sociological Perspectives,” in Elsevier eBooks. Elsevier BV, p. 3830. doi:10.1016/b0-08-043076-7/03935-8. 

Gamarra, J.M. et al. (2015) “Assessing Variability and Implementation Fidelity of Suicide Prevention Safety Planning in a Regional VA Healthcare System,” Crisis, 36(6), p. 433. doi:10.1027/0227-5910/a000345. 

Hodes, C. and Mennicke, A. (2018) “Is It Conflict or Abuse? A Practice Note for Furthering Differential Assessment and Response,” Clinical Social Work Journal, 47(2), p. 176. doi:10.1007/s10615-018-0655-8. 

Immordino-Yang, M. H. & Damasio, A. (2007). We feel, therefore we learn. Mind, Brain, and Education, 1(1), pp. 3–10.

Johnson, M. (2014) “What is domestic abuse.” (Accessed: June 2025). 

Kolk, B. A. van der. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books.

Lindhorst, T., Nurius, P.S. and Macy, R.J. (2005) “CONTEXTUALIZED ASSESSMENT WITH BATTERED WOMEN: STRATEGIC SAFETY PLANNING TO COPE WITH MULTIPLE HARMS,” Journal of Social Work Education, 41(2), p. 331. doi:10.5175/jswe.2005.200200261. 

Mahajan, P. (2011) “Critical Analysis of Domestic Violence Act, 2005,” SSRN Electronic Journal [Preprint]. doi:10.2139/ssrn.1840628. 

Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

Redevelopment of domestic abuse statistics (2025). (Accessed: July 14, 2025). 

Rivas, C. et al. (2015) “Advocacy interventions to reduce or eliminate violence and promote the physical and psychosocial well-being of women who experience intimate partner abuse,” Cochrane library. Elsevier BV. doi:10.1002/14651858.cd005043.pub3. 

Schore, A. N. (2012). The Science of the Art of Psychotherapy. W. W. Norton & Company.

Siegel, D. J. (2010). The Mindful Therapist. W. W. Norton & Company.
Herman, J. L. (1997). Trauma and Recovery. Basic Books.

Sullivan, C.M. (2017) “Understanding How Domestic Violence Support Services Promote Survivor Well-being: A Conceptual Model,” Journal of Family Violence, 33(2), p. 123. doi:10.1007/s10896-017-9931-6. 

Usher, K. et al. (2021) “COVID‐19 and family violence: Is this a perfect storm?,” International Journal of Mental Health Nursing, 30(4), p. 1022. doi:10.1111/inm.12876. 

“What is Domestic Violence?” (2016) in Routledge eBooks. Informa, p. 31. doi:10.4324/9781315561769-12.