Beyond the silence: 8 things survivors need from counsellors

We all have an awareness of what domestic abuse is. It is defined as
“an incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and violent behaviour, including sexual violence, in most cases by a partner or ex-partner, but also by a family member or carer.”

In the majority of cases, it is experienced by women and is often perpetrated by men, though men can also experience domestic violence. It can take many forms, coercive control (a pattern of intimidation, degradation, isolation and control), psychological, emotional, physical, sexual and financial and or religious abuse and can include online and digital harassment.

Even with greater awareness many survivors’ experiences remain steeped in shame and misunderstood by professionals. The long-term harm is often invisible. Its compounded by factors such as  financial hardship, fractured support networks, poor mental health, and insecure housing. Accessing help can feel piecemeal or impossible.

The truth is, abuse of any kind is often hidden and not immediately obvious  and as a survivor myself, that was certainly true for me.

Why this matters to practitioners

In the year ending December 2023, police recorded a domestic abuse offence approximately every 40 seconds (ONS, 2024).

Abuse is far more widespread than most people realise, and if you are from a disadvantaged or diverse background, older, disabled, or pregnant, your likelihood of experiencing it increases. For counsellors, this means it’s highly likely you’ll work with someone who has lived through domestic abuse.

Survivors may no longer be in abusive environments, but they live daily with its impact. Often navigating complex emotions while trying to rebuild their lives. Abuse rarely reveals itself directly in therapy. Instead, it hides beneath anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, or relationship struggles. Survivors may not even identify their experiences as abuse or may fear being judged or disbelieved.

That’s why our role as counsellors is so vital not only to listen, but to see. We must hold space with sensitivity, awareness and compassion, understanding how trauma manifests.

The question of self-disclosure

There’s an ongoing ethical debate in counselling around self-disclosure. Should we do it? When, and for whose benefit?

For me, as a survivor, these questions became deeply personal. I reflected on whether sharing my experience might serve a therapeutic purpose or risk blurring boundaries. Eventually, I came to believe that, used intentionally and ethically, self-disclosure can offer authenticity, congruence and hope.

So I'm going to go ahead and say it. I am a survivor of domestic and religious abuse

Abuse thrives in secrecy and silence. Speaking out  even carefully can be an act of resistance. For survivors, hearing “you are not alone” from someone who truly understands can be transformative. Self-disclosure isn’t about centring ourselves as counsellors; it’s about humanising the therapeutic space and demonstrating that healing is possible.

My journey: Finding my voice again

After the breakdown of my relationship, I was broken and confused about how I had reached rock bottom. The abuse I experienced was so subtle, so sophisticated, that I didn’t recognise it as abuse until after I left. Only later did I come to understand terms like coercive control, gaslighting and narcissistic abuse.

I was rebuilding my life from scratch emotionally, financially and spiritually. Then, by chance, a conversation with a neighbour about a counselling course changed everything.

I applied, unsure of what to expect, but driven by a need to move forward. When I didn’t hear back, I turned up at the college in person  unknowingly on enrolment day. The tutor who met me that day later became one of my greatest mentors. That encounter changed the trajectory of my life.

The classroom became my first truly safe space in years. It was the first time I felt contained, seen and heard. My peers and tutors helped me rebuild my confidence, challenge my thinking and rediscover my voice. Through this process, I began to understand vulnerability as strength, not weakness.

Training to be a counsellor gave me the lens and language to process my trauma. It didn’t just teach me how to help others it helped me to heal myself. I learned that therapy can be a space not only for survival but for transformation.

Learning for counsellors: What helps survivors heal

Working with survivors of domestic abuse requires more than empathy. It demands understanding, awareness, and a trauma-informed approach. Here are key areas of learning that can support counsellors and trainees in their practice:

1. Recognise the signs beyond the obvious

Abuse is rarely visible. Survivors may present with anxiety, perfectionism, people-pleasing or excessive apologising. Listen for subtle clues, fear of making mistakes, minimising controlling behaviour, or feeling “grateful” for basic kindness.

2. Understand the impact of coercive control

Coercive control strips away autonomy and self-worth. Survivors often struggle with boundaries and decision-making. Therapy that focuses on empowerment and rebuilding agency is essential for recovery.

3. Create safety before exploration

Safety – emotional, psychological and relational – must come before any exploration of trauma. Move at the client’s pace. Avoid pushing for disclosure and ensure consistency, reliability and care in the therapeutic relationship.

4. Be aware of re-traumatisation

Even well-meaning questions can trigger shame or fear. Use grounding techniques, gentle pacing and validating language. Always check in with how the client is coping during and after sessions.

5. Reflect on power dynamics

Like abusive relationships, therapy involves inherent power dynamics. Be mindful of how authority, expertise or even tone may be perceived. Foster collaboration rather than direction. Let the client lead their journey.

6. Seek specialist training

Understanding domestic abuse requires continual professional development. Courses on trauma-informed practice, coercive control and intersectionality enhance your ability to respond ethically and effectively.

7. Be culturally and socially aware

Race, culture and class all shape how abuse is experienced and disclosed. For women from minority backgrounds, stigma and distrust of systems can be major barriers. Practise cultural humility — ask, don’t assume.

8. Look after yourself

Working with trauma can be emotionally demanding. Supervision, reflective practice and self-care are professional responsibilities, not optional extras. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

A call to practitioners

Counselling saved my life, not metaphorically, but profoundly. It gave me tools to understand my experience, reclaim my voice and transform pain into purpose.

As counsellors, we occupy a unique position in society. We meet people when they are most vulnerable, and the way we listen, validate and hold space has ripple effects that extend far beyond the therapy room.

We also hold influence  at micro, meso and macro levels, this means we do have a responsibility to raise awareness and advocate for social change. Domestic abuse isn’t only a private issue; it’s a societal one. Every practitioner who listens without judgement, believes without question, and holds with care contributes to breaking the cycle of silence.

For survivors, the counselling room can become the first place they feel truly seen. It’s an immense privilege  and an even greater responsibility.

Self-disclosure isn’t about sharing for its own sake. It’s about authenticity and connection, using our stories responsibly to bridge understanding and dismantle stigma.

By speaking out, I hope to challenge the silence that still surrounds domestic abuse, and to remind other counsellors that survivors are not defined by what happened to them. We are evidence that healing exists.

Our role isn’t to rescue; it’s to walk alongside, with compassion, curiosity and courage.

Disclaimer: If you have been affected by the contents of this article, please seek advice and support from a suitably qualified professional.

For information and resources, visit Women’s Aid.