Breaking the silence: The lasting impact of domestic violence

Domestic violence is not just a private struggle; it ripples through families, communities and generations.

The scars of abuse often go beyond physical harm — they affect everyone’s mental health, relationships and even future generations. Abuse takes many forms, from physical violence to emotional manipulation, coercive control and gaslighting. Raising awareness of these abuses to a journey of acceptance is the first step towards healing. 

Understanding the different forms of domestic violence 

Domestic violence isn’t just physical violence. It’s also what you don’t see. Here are some of the behaviours that define domestic violence:

• physical harm
• emotional manipulation/abuse
• psychological abuse
• isolation and control
• financial abuse
• gaslighting

The goal is to educate, raise awareness and empower survivors of abuse. Everyone’s voice matters in this movement — by speaking up and supporting others, we can begin to break the cycle.

Understanding the reality: Alarming statistics

The Crime Survey for England and Wales (CSEW) for the year ending in March 2024 revealed shocking statistics:

• 2.3 million people (4.8%) experienced domestic abuse in the past year
• 1.5 million (3.2%) faced stalking
• 1 million (2.1%) were victims of sexual assault

These numbers only scratch the surface of the many who continue to suffer in silence. We must shine a light on the mental health toll of domestic violence, from anxiety and depression to trauma-related disorders.

Emotional abuse: Hypervigilance and control

Imagine a deer in the wild, constantly alert, sensing danger. When the threat isn't a predator but someone within your own home, this hypervigilance takes a severe toll. Those living with emotional abuse endure this state of constant survival — always walking on eggshells, taking the blame and feeling isolated. This isn’t simply stress, it’s classed as severe trauma. As per Dr Bessel van de Kolk's book describes The Body Keeps The Score.

Living with domestic violence is like reliving this fear daily — your body floods with the stress hormone cortisol, your mind stays alert and you’re stuck in survival mode. This is the harsh reality of emotional abuse — constant hypervigilance erodes your self-esteem, making you feel small and trapped. This discomfort plays out in your neurobiological functions and body systems and spills out in your defensive victim-like behaviours. These are your trauma wounds. This isn’t just stress, it’s severe trauma. It’s not your fault and it's not normal. 

One of the most insidious forms of emotional abuse is invasion of privacy. When a partner crosses boundaries by controlling personal space or invading privacy (like checking a partner’s phone without permission), it erodes trust. These behaviours — suspicion, control and manipulation — create emotional debris that damages relationships and self-worth.

Domestic violence triggers: When your body re-lives your trauma

For survivors, loud noises and flashing lights — things that seem celebratory to others (think like fireworks as an example) — can trigger traumatic memories. When faced with triggers, here are three self-soothing tips to ground yourself:

1. Deep breathing: Inhale for three counts, hold for four, and exhale for five. This helps to calm your anxiety and forces your body to relax.
2. Grounding exercise: Use your senses to stay present. Name five things you see, four things you touch, three things you hear, two things you smell, and one thing you can taste.
3. Progressive muscle relaxation: By conscientiously tightening and releasing muscle groups, you can relieve tension quickly.

Unprocessed trauma and its long-term effects

Unresolved trauma has a way of resurfacing — sometimes in surprising ways. Many survivors find their unprocessed emotions re-emerge during their menopausal journey, affecting both career and personal life. You may find old wounds reflected in your new experiences, like being bullied at work or facing anxiety in your relationships. This is why working through your trauma is crucial — it’s the key to breaking free from its repetitive cycle.

Domestic violence is now known to be a leading cause of traumatic brain injury (TBI), leaving scars that go unnoticed. These invisible wounds — such as headaches, memory issues and emotional instability — can affect survivors well into perimenopause, menopause and beyond.

Enmeshment trauma, intergenerational trauma and domestic violence

In many cases, domestic violence is deeply intertwined with enmeshment trauma and intergenerational trauma. Enmeshment refers to blurred or non-existent boundaries within families, often leading to emotional dependence and control. When a family operates within enmeshment dynamics, it becomes difficult to establish a sense of self outside of the family’s needs. Domestic violence can both result from and contribute to these dynamics, as individuals may feel trapped in a cycle of control and emotional manipulation.

Intergenerational trauma, passed down from one generation to the next, complicates the healing process. For many in the South Asian community, cultural expectations and the pressure to uphold family honour can exacerbate enmeshment, reinforcing abusive dynamics. However, healing is possible. Therapy that acknowledges and addresses both cultural factors and intergenerational trauma can be life-changing for survivors.

Breaking free: Why therapy matters

There is a common misconception that therapy is a resource for White middle-class individuals, with its roots in White privilege. It’s true that the founder of psychotherapy, Sigmund Freud, was a White, middle-class man, but therapy has evolved significantly since then and continues to do so.

As a South Asian therapist, I understand the unique challenges of navigating domestic violence in collectivist cultures like ours. Therapy, when culturally adapted and sensitively applied, is incredibly effective in helping South Asians work through with awareness, achieve acceptance to heal and thrive within their families and communities.

Domestic violence affects every aspect of life, from identity formation to mental health. As a person-centred trauma specialist psychotherapist, I am committed to guiding survivors through their healing journey. With therapeutic support and awareness, we can work towards a future freeing you from domestic violence. Together we can beat this.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, reach out for help and support. You don’t have to go through this alone.