Do I need a counsellor who’s just like me?
Picking a counsellor is a bit like picking a new pair of shoes. You try to imagine, 'Will they fit? Will they make this journey less painful?' And maybe, 'Will they understand the blisters I’ve already got?'
It’s a very human thing to wonder. We all like the idea of someone who “gets” us, who knows what it’s like to be us – someone who doesn’t need the full rundown of why we hate certain situations or avoid particular people. A therapist who shares your identity or experiences seems like the perfect shortcut to feeling understood.
But is that what therapy is about? Finding a mirror to reflect your life back at you? Or is it about finding someone who can hold the mirror steady while you figure out what, exactly, you’re looking at?
The pull of similarity: It’s so tempting
Let’s be honest, we’ve all been there: scrolling through therapist profiles, hoping to find someone who looks like they’ve had exactly our life. Maybe you think, 'If they’re like me, I won’t have to explain why this particular thing is upsetting or how that thing still stings.'
And that’s valid! Nobody wants to spend the first ten minutes of every session explaining a cultural reference or why something seemingly small feels enormous. There’s an undeniable comfort in thinking, 'This person knows my world'.
But let’s step back for a moment. Therapy isn’t about comparing notes on similar experiences. It’s more like sitting down with someone who says, “You bring your tangled mess, and I’ll bring my untangling tools.”
The danger of the “like me” trap
Thinking a therapist needs to share your exact life story can sometimes backfire. Imagine you’re staring at a giant tangle of Christmas lights – the kind that makes you question why you bother celebrating holidays at all. Do you really want someone to sit down next to you and say, “Oh yes, I have the exact same tangle at home”? Or do you want someone who looks at your mess and says, “Right. Let’s sort this out.”
Sure, shared experience might give a therapist a head start on understanding. But what really matters is whether they can help you untangle your knots, not whether they’ve faced your exact decorations.
Empathy vs. sympathy
This is where things get interesting. A therapist doesn’t need to live your life to understand it. They don’t need to nod and say, “I’ve been there too.” What they need is empathy – the ability to get inside your world, even if it looks nothing like theirs.
Sympathy says, “Oh no, that’s terrible.” Empathy says, “I see how hard that is for you, and I’m here with you.” Therapy doesn’t require your counsellor to have walked your road; it requires them to walk beside you while you figure it out.
Therapy is serious business (but let’s not take ourselves too seriously)
Therapy is serious stuff. It’s where you unravel your fears, hopes, and regrets. But it doesn’t always have to feel heavy. The best therapists bring warmth, curiosity, and sometimes even humour to the process.
And that’s what matters. Not whether they look or live like you, but whether they can create a space where you feel safe, seen, and occasionally even laugh at the absurdities of life.
How to find the right fit
When searching for a counsellor, it’s okay to have preferences. Maybe someone who understands your cultural background, or at least knows what it means to be you. But don’t let those preferences trap you. Ask yourself:
- Do I feel heard when I speak?
- Are they genuinely curious about my story?
- Do they have the skills to help me untangle my mess?
Therapy isn’t about finding someone who’s just like you. It’s about finding someone who makes you feel like you don’t have to be anything other than yourself. That’s where the magic happens – not in sameness, but in connection.
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