Core beliefs: The black crow of ‘not good enough’

Feeling ‘not good enough’ is almost universal in its commonality. However, for some people, the feeling is not a passing thought or worry, but a permanent crow perched upon the shoulder, criticising every decision, action and reaction.

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“Repeatedly, I have battled with the black crow on my shoulder croaking – it isn’t good enough,” Canadian mythopoeic author and Jungian psychologist, Marion Woodman.

In this article, I wish to outline some effective steps for managing this painful sense of self-deficiency, through the application of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) techniques.


Understanding what this feeling is all about

Feeling ‘not good enough’ is often much deeper than just a feeling and can be linked to what psychotherapists refer to as a ‘core belief’. Core beliefs are deeply held, often subconscious assumptions about the world, other people and ourselves. These beliefs are often formed in the developmental period of childhood and adolescence and come to shape how we view the world around us. 

Feeling not good enough is often tied to an early experience in a person’s life – to understand this clearly, consider a newborn baby. A baby is not born with a concept of ‘not good enough’, as they would have no reason for it. Core belief systems are formed - shaped by our experience of the world. Such a belief can have many origins – an early environment of heavy parental judgement or criticism or perhaps receiving a message that lovability in childhood was contingent on getting good grades or being ‘good’ in some other form (a common experience for many). When a person receives the message (intentional or not) that being loved means being ‘good’ at something, then a conditional, performance-based belief system may have set itself in motion. 

In adulthood, this belief most often wreaks havoc in the area of career and work/performance-related activities. This is due to the development of ‘compensating systems’ – ways of coping with the feeling of not being good enough. When a person has formed such a self-belief, they will have a coping system attached to it, which often takes the form of over-working, people-pleasing and going above and beyond what is required in order to prove oneself. Paradoxically, the system will involve pushing the individual to prove they are the very best, as a way to alleviate the painful sense, deep down, of not being good enough.

Therapy can work to explore such painful feelings and coping responses. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is very effective for working on core beliefs. Below I have summarised some key strategies that I use in my practice: 

Increase awareness and curiosity about yourself

I use a tool called a ‘Thought Record’ in my therapy practice, but any journal process will do the same job. A thought record is a type of mood diary that involves ‘tuning in’ to specific times when you experience a particular thought or feeling. For example, noticing when the critical crow pops up with the narrative of ‘not good enough’ and making note of this in three stages: what is the situation that has triggered this/how I am feeling/what thoughts are going through my mind. There is no need to solve anything in this process – just be curious about yourself and write down what you observe. Increasing our self-attunement allows us to step into an ‘observer’ stance, creating an opening for perspective shifting. 

Observe the pattern of your thoughts

In CBT terms, we call these patterns ‘Cognitive Distortions’. Cognitive Distortions are simply patterns of thinking that tend to run on repeat and can cause us to get ‘stuck’ in a particular mode of thinking. Here are some of the common patterns that can occur in the context of a ‘not good enough’ belief.

Example: Mary’s manager has asked her to send her important document via email before she finishes work at 17:00. However, Mary is delayed, due to a senior boss requiring her help at the last minute. Mary therefore doesn’t send her manager the email until 17:20. Mary sends an apology, explaining her delay, and her manager raises no issue with this. However, for Mary, it ruins her entire evening, as believes she has let her manager down and perhaps lost her respect due to her perceived 'failure'. So what is going on for Mary?

Labelling

Mary considers this situation to be a ‘mistake’ and therefore labels herself as ‘not good enough’ as a person. Although this situation involved an external person (her boss) Mary internalises the experience as a personal failing (fuelling her core belief further)

Labelling is all-encompassing and does not allow for contextual information, nuance, or events outside of our control.

Dichotomous thinking

Also known as black-and-white thinking. When the core belief is activated, Mary views herself as a total failure, with no in-between or room for error. This situation activates a deep sense of failure for Mary, resulting in a depressed mood. 

When we engage in black-and-white thinking, we are viewing situations in extremes (black and white) without considering the grey areas. 

Fortune-telling and predicting

As a result of her action, Mary begins to worry that her boss is angry or upset with her, or that she is going to be judged negatively. Mary starts to picture her manager's angry face, and it stops her from being able to sleep that night. 

Mary’s mind has engaged a process of fortune-telling, where she is envisioning what will happen, and imagining what her manager is ‘really thinking’, resulting in increased anxiety and worry. This generates a cycle of anxiety, on top of her mood, creating a vicious circle.


Next step

Gather your evidence. Once you begin to increase your awareness, and notice the main patterns in your own thinking, it is time to begin gathering evidence. This involves separating fact from fear.

Some helpful questions to ask yourself are: 

  • What evidence do I have that this thought is true?
  • What would I advise a friend in this situation – can I apply this advice to myself (if not, why not?)
  • Do I have any evidence that this thought might not be true (any evidence that contradicts the thought?)

Introduce the wisdom of compassion

Consider the unintended consequences of such self-criticism, through the lens of a compassionate ‘other’. For example: What would a compassionate friend say to me right now? What is my mind hoping to achieve when it tells me I am not good enough? Does criticising myself make me feel better or worse? Reflect on these questions, and consider if there is a more helpful alternative response.

Restoring self-esteem (SMART goal setting)

Now it is time to take the abstract belief of ‘not good enough’ into the concrete world of SMART goal setting. SMART is an acronym for: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time-based. 

This is the time to ‘unpick’ the belief itself. The concept of ‘good enough’ requires measurement, and this can often be the point of transformation. Consider questions such as: 

  • What is good enough?
  • How will I know when I get there?
  • When is enough, enough?

Such questions work to create realistic parameters of measurement. Working with a therapist for this part of the work can be very beneficial, to help you establish your objectives and values in life, and to clear the way toward building a solid sense of self-esteem through breaking out of the old belief system, and creating a new, balanced version.

In summary, once we have identified what 'good enough' actually is, we can begin to create a plan to align with achieving this, realistically, as adults and in accordance with our individual values and objectives. Self-esteem can then increase, and well-being can be restored. When good enough becomes 'good enough', our critical crow will fall silent.

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author. All articles published on Counselling Directory are reviewed by our editorial team.

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Inverness, Highland, IV3
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Written by Birch Therapy Clinic
BABCP Accred. BSc (Hons) PGDIP (CBT) PGDIP (Psych)
location_on Inverness, Highland, IV3
Elaine is a BABCP Accredited therapist with over a decade of experience in Mental health services. She offers bespoke therapy services remotely and includes a free 20-minute introductory call. Elaine's team of therapists treat a wide range of difficulties including Anxiety, Depression, Trauma and health problems. Start your therapy journey here.
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