Understanding “emotional incest”

In recent months, the phrase “emotional incest” has been appearing in headlines and on social media. It’s a term that grabs attention, but it can also be alarming and misleading. People may read it and feel shock, guilt, or even shame – worrying that their childhood relationships were “wrong” or that their parenting is being judged. Here, we understand “emotional incest” through attachment theory.

In reality, what is often being described here is not about blame or bad parenting. Instead, it reflects ideas from John Bowlby’s attachment theory, which explores how the relationships we form with our early caregivers shape the way we relate to others later in life. At its heart, this discussion is about closeness, boundaries, and the natural ways in which family dynamics can sometimes become confusing for a child’s emotional development.

For example, when a parent leans heavily on a child for emotional support – perhaps confiding in them as if they were a partner, or depending on them for comfort during stressful times – the bond may feel loving and strong, but it can blur roles and responsibilities. Over time, the child may learn to prioritise the needs of others above their own, setting the stage for patterns of people-pleasing, low self-esteem, or anxiety in adult relationships.

How it shows up in adult life

When a child grows up feeling responsible for a parent’s emotional world, it can leave a deep imprint. As adults, many people notice the same themes appearing again and again in their relationships – sometimes without realising why.

You might:

- find yourself people-pleasing to keep the peace, even when it leaves you drained.
- feel anxious or guilty when you try to put your own needs first.
- struggle with low self-esteem, believing you’re “not enough” unless you're taking care of others.
- notice patterns of choosing partners who feel familiar but ultimately unfulfilling.
- experience burnout from carrying emotional weight in your family, friendships, or work.

For some, these struggles show up as anxiety or depression, often tied to the sense that life feels exhausting or relationships never quite “work.” For others, there is a persistent feeling of being different or disconnected, which can be especially strong for autistic people and those living with ADHD.

It’s not about blame

When we look back at childhood patterns, it’s easy to slip into self-criticism or blame toward ourselves, our parents, or both. But it’s important to remember that most parents do the best they can with the resources and support they have at the time. Turning to a child for comfort often comes from a place of love, not harm.

What matters is not labelling anyone as “bad” but recognising how these dynamics may have shaped you. Understanding the past gives you the chance to step back, notice the patterns that repeat, and begin to choose something different for yourself.

How therapy can help

Exploring these patterns in therapy can bring a new awareness of why certain struggles keep showing up. Understanding the link between early experiences and current relationships often helps to ease self-blame and opens the door to change.

In therapy, people often begin to recognise their own needs, develop healthier boundaries, and rebuild self-esteem. This process can also involve finding new ways to relate and communicate – with both themselves and others – that feel more balanced and fulfilling.

For neurodivergent people, making sense of these experiences can be especially important. Therapy can offer space to reframe feelings of “being different” and explore strengths as well as challenges, which can support a stronger sense of identity and belonging.

The aim isn’t to change who you are, but to create space for you to feel more valued, connected, and at ease in yourself and your relationships.

The term “emotional incest” may sound harsh, but what it often points to is the very real impact of blurred boundaries in childhood relationships. These patterns are more common than many people realise, and they don’t mean anyone set out to cause harm.

Understanding how early dynamics shape adult relationships can be the first step toward change. With greater awareness, it becomes possible to notice repeating patterns, make different choices, and begin to relate in ways that feel more balanced, authentic, and fulfilling.

If you recognise some of these experiences in yourself, know that you are not alone – and that these patterns can be worked through with time, compassion, and support.