Has my upbringing shaped who I am today?

The simple answer is that our early experiences can significantly influence who we become. For many people, our childhood relationships and experiences shape us and can be hugely influential on our adult lives.

Throughout my therapy career, I have seen how difficult and uncomfortable it can be for some clients to look at their past. Often, I have heard clients say, “Oh yes, it’s all my parents’ fault, isn’t it?” or “I need help now, I don’t have time to go through all of that.” Such responses are completely understandable. Talking about our childhood can feel as though we may be putting the blame on those who raised us for our current disarray, that it doesn’t seem relevant to dig up the past, or that it is simply too painful.

However, a little understanding of those early relationships can help us see what messages about ourselves and the world we may have picked up along the way, and how they might be impacting us in our current daily life. There can be a connection between our past learnings and how we may show up in our present interpersonal relationships, be it with our partner, boss, family members or friends.

This article aims to look at the idea of how and why your upbringing may have shaped who you are today through the lens of your early childhood bonds. It is these early relationships which can be hugely responsible for our sense of self, our self-esteem and our confidence or whether we believe we are lovable and capable in life.

Internal working model

If we rewind back to the 1930s, a British Psychiatrist and Psychoanalyst, John Bowlby, who largely focused on Child Development, postulated the idea that forming an attachment to one’s caregiver is an innate evolutionary phenomenon in order to keep infants safe and ensure their survival.

He conceptualised the idea that if an infant did not receive adequate and reliable care, this would be detrimental to the child’s development and could create long-lasting, severe emotional and behavioural difficulties. This could lead the child to believe they are not worthy of love, incapable of handling emotions, and incompetent. However, if a caregiver is responsive, the child internalises a much more positive sense of self and is more likely to develop confidence in themselves and others.

He claimed that it is in these early relational experiences which creates a framework called the internal working model. This internal map is then used by children to understand themselves, others and as a means to navigate the world around them. If left unchallenged or unchanged, the same internal working map will also be used in adulthood.

Attachment styles

It was in later research carried out by Developmental Psychologist Mary Ainsworth who identified specific attachment styles. She conceptualised these styles after observing brief separations and reunions between a child and their caregiver. This study was known as the Strange Situation.

What Ainsworth found was that different children would respond differently depending on the nature of their bond with their caregiver, and she described these bonds as attachment styles, which have been outlined below:

Secure attachment

Children confidently explore their environment while using the caregiver as a secure base. They show distress when the caregiver leaves, but are easily and quickly soothed when they return.

Insecure-avoidant attachment

Children show little to no distress when the caregiver leaves and typically ignore or avoid them upon their return. This often results from distant or consistently unresponsive caregiving.

Insecure-ambivalent/resistant attachment 

Children exhibit intense distress upon separation and show clingy behaviour. When the caregiver returns, the child is difficult to soothe and may display conflicting behaviours (e.g., seeking closeness but angrily resisting it).

Disorganised attachment

Added later by researchers, this describes children who display contradictory, erratic, or fearful behaviours during separation and reunion. It is often linked to trauma or a fearful home environment.

Why do these attachment styles matter to me as an adult?

Your attachment style, formed by your early relationship with your caregiver, sets the framework for how you will show up in your day-to-day life as an adult.

If you grew up with inconsistent love, care and attention, this may have created an insecure base for you, leading you to struggle with low self-worth and mistrust others. You may therefore be avoidant or resistant to letting people in, or closed off to more vulnerable life experiences now as an adult. Or you could swing the other way and might have a tendency to need regular reassurance, seek validation from others, and fear being abandoned. You might be wary and not have healthy boundaries.

Fear not, you do not have to be stuck in an unhelpful attachment style. This can be changed over time because you can develop a secure attachment style later in life. This is often achieved through consistent, healthy, long-term relationships with securely attached individuals, as well as through self-awareness or with the help of therapy.

How can therapy help

Talking therapy or counselling can help you understand what your attachment style is and whether it is feeling maladaptive to you in your present relationships.

The first step might be to explore and reflect on your childhood experiences. Gaining an understanding of this in a safe and non-judgmental environment with a trained professional can help you to regain a sense of control.

The therapist may even take a re-parenting stance, as they aim to really hear that inner child within you, to compassionately listen and attend to your unmet childhood needs. This is always done without trying to blame parents or caregivers, but rather to be open, kind and gentle with understanding as to why your parents or caregivers were unable to meet your needs, thus contributing to the development of your attachment style.

Once an understanding of your attachment style is gained, therapy can then support you in building strategies towards a more secure attachment. Your therapist will aim to foster a more secure therapeutic dynamic to promote healthier communication and to regulate emotions in a more balanced way in order for you to have a more positive mindset of yourself and to build healthier present relationships.

If you are struggling with some interpersonal relationships, therapy can support you in knowing why this is happening, how you can use more effective communication and actions, as well as help you to understand not only your perspective but also others.