How attachment-based psychotherapy can help build self-esteem

Low self-esteem can feel like a constant hum in the background of your life, always there, always pulling you back. Maybe it’s that inner voice telling you you’re not good enough, or the tendency to compare yourself to everyone else and always come up short. Or maybe you just struggle to feel loveable, capable, or worthy, no matter what you achieve.

If that sounds familiar, you’re definitely not alone. And there’s good news: low self-esteem isn’t a life sentence. One of the most powerful ways to understand and heal low self-esteem is through an attachment-based lens. In this article, we’ll explore how attachment-based psychotherapy can help you get to the roots of low self-esteem and begin to grow something new in its place.

First, what is attachment-based psychotherapy?

Attachment-based psychotherapy is grounded in the idea that our early relationships, especially with caregivers, shape how we see ourselves, others, and the world. It’s not about blaming parents or digging up every painful memory, but rather about understanding the emotional blueprints we developed in those early years.  

When our emotional needs were met with attunement, warmth, and consistency, we were more likely to grow up with a sense of security and self-worth. But if our needs were met with criticism, emotional absence, unpredictability, or rejection, we might have internalised the belief that we were somehow "not enough" or "too much."

In therapy, we work together to understand those relational patterns and how they’ve carried through into adult life. From there, we begin to form a different kind of relationship, one where you can feel safe, seen, and valued.

What low self-esteem can look like

Low self-esteem doesn’t always scream its name. Sometimes, it’s quiet, hidden under perfectionism, people-pleasing, or a constant need to prove yourself. Here are a few examples of common ways it might show up:

• Emma finds it hard to say no at work, even when she’s drowning in deadlines. Deep down, she’s terrified people will think she’s bad, lazy or incompetent if she sets a boundary.
• James avoids dating because he assumes anyone who gets to know the "real him" will eventually reject him. He tells himself he’s just "not cut out for relationships."
• Ann constantly compares herself to her peers. No matter how many compliments she receives, she struggles to believe she’s attractive or interesting.
• Ben has a loud inner critic that berates him whenever he makes a mistake. He’s successful on the outside, but inside he feels like a fraud, waiting to be found out.

Underneath all these experiences is a deep-seated belief: I’m not enough as I am. And often, this belief didn’t come out of nowhere.

How early attachments shape self-esteem

Children are like emotional sponges. We soak up not just what’s said to us, but also what’s implied or modelled through behaviour. If your caregivers were emotionally available, consistent, and accepting, you were more likely to internalise the message: I’m loveable, I matter, I can trust others. That’s a pretty solid foundation for healthy self-esteem.

But if your caregivers were critical, dismissive, inconsistent, preoccupied, or emotionally distant, you might have internalised something very different: I’m not good enough, my needs are a burden, or I have to work hard to be accepted.

In other words, self-esteem issues often begin as relational wounds.

Rebuilding self-esteem in therapy

Here’s the hopeful part: what was wounded in relationship can also be healed in relationship. In attachment-based therapy, the therapeutic relationship itself becomes a space where those early emotional injuries can be understood, felt, and gradually repaired.

Let’s look at how that might work in practice.

1. Creating a safe, attuned relationship

The therapist offers a consistent, emotionally attuned presence, something you may not have received in early life. This safe relational space can help you slowly begin to trust, open up, and experience yourself as valued and accepted just as you are.

For example, when Emma feels ashamed for crying in session and expects criticism, the therapist gently normalises her emotional response. Over time, she begins to see that her feelings aren’t "too much" or something to hide; they’re human, and they’re welcome.

2. Identifying the inner critic

Attachment-based therapy can help you notice and explore your inner critic, which is often a voice shaped by early interactions. You may not even realise how harshly you speak to yourself until it’s pointed out gently in therapy.

When Ben shares his fear that he’s not good enough at work, his therapist might ask, “Whose voice does that sound like?” This can lead to insights about a critical parent or teacher whose judgmental tone still echoes inside his mind.

As you become more aware of these internalised voices, you can begin to question and soften them.

3. Exploring the origins of shame

Low self-esteem is often wrapped up in shame, the belief that there’s something inherently wrong or bad about us. In therapy, we can explore where those beliefs began and hold them with compassion.

Ann, for instance, starts to connect her constant comparisons to a childhood where she felt invisible next to her high-achieving siblings. As she processes those early experiences with support, she begins to loosen the grip of the old belief that she has to "earn" her worth.

4. Developing a new internal working model

Through repeated experiences of being seen, valued, and accepted in the therapeutic relationship, you can begin to internalise a different message: I’m okay as I am. This doesn’t happen overnight, but over time, the new relational blueprint starts to take root.

James, who once avoided intimacy, finds himself gradually taking emotional risks, reaching out to friends, going on dates, and even setting boundaries. These are small but powerful signs that his self-esteem is growing from the inside out.

It’s not just “talking about the past”

Attachment-based psychotherapy isn’t about sitting on a couch and blaming your parents for everything. It’s about understanding the emotional patterns that formed in the past, noticing how they still show up in the present, and creating new experiences in the here and now that support healing and growth.

It’s about making space for the parts of you that have felt unworthy or unseen and helping those parts discover they’re actually worthy of care, respect, and love.

Final thoughts: You deserve to feel worthy

Low self-esteem can feel like a lifelong burden, but it doesn't have to be. By understanding how your early relationships shaped the way you see yourself, and by forming new, healing relationships (starting with your therapist), you can begin to rewrite that inner story.

You’re not broken. You’re not “too much.” You don’t need to be perfect to be worthy.

And if part of you doubts that, that’s okay too. That part is welcome in therapy. All of you is.