Being you without losing family: A guide for British Asian women

If you’re a British Asian woman in your mid-20s to 40s (let’s be honest, even well beyond 40!), chances are you know exactly what it feels like to live two lives.

One where you're ambitious, independent, and full of dreams. And one where you’re still the "good daughter", you're polite, selfless, always fighting the ingrained thought, "What will people say?"

You might be juggling work, relationships, house chores, and family expectations, while quietly battling the exhausting pressure of never feeling “good enough.”

Maybe you've been the daughter who couldn’t say no, it felt like saying no would mean being selfish, disrespectful, or even... ungrateful for everything your parents have ‘given’ you.

If this sounds even a bit like you, you’re not alone. You are the woman tired of carrying at times unbearable invisible weights, and the woman who’s ready to balance her family and herself.

(And if you're wondering, yes, it is possible.)

The silent load we carry

In many Asian families, we grow up absorbing big, invisible lessons:

• Family comes first.
• Your worth is tied to how much you give.
• A “good daughter” is self-sacrificing.
• Marriage, housework, and caregiving may be expected "duties."
• Independence? Only if it doesn’t disrupt the family, religious and cultural image.

And let’s not forget the ever-present, heavy whisper: "What will other people think?"

These messages, even coming from a place of love, often leave you feeling stuck between two worlds. You want to love your family deeply, but you also want to live your life authentically. You want to care, but you don’t want to carry everything.

Sound familiar?

Why do you feel stuck 

If you feel like a child around your parents, no matter your age, constantly seeking their approval (often without realising it), or living with a quiet guilt anytime you prioritise yourself, you’re not broken.

You were taught to put family first, often at the cost of your own needs.

This dynamic can lead to:

• co-dependence (feeling like your happiness depends on their happiness)
• burnout (emotionally exhausted from giving too much)
• low self-worth (always needing to “earn” love or approval)
• difficulty saying no (even when you’re drowning)
• feeling like you’re living a double life (hiding your true desires)

Here’s the truth no one tells us growing up:

• You can love your family and have healthy boundaries.
• You can honour your culture and live a life that feels true to you.
• You can say “no” sometimes without being a “bad daughter.”

And most importantly, you deserve to feel like an adult in your own life without this concept being a ‘Western idea’. 

Five coping tips: How to start balancing personal and family life

Here’s how you can start healing:

1. Learn that boundaries are acts of love, not rebellion

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean rejecting your family. It means protecting your energy so you can show up for them in healthier, more sustainable ways.

Instead of thinking, "I'm being selfish," try re-framing it to: "I'm taking care of myself so I can continue loving my family from a full heart, not resentment or exhaustion."

Start small.

Maybe it’s saying, "I can’t do that today, but I can help tomorrow." Or it’s taking 30 minutes alone after work before answering family calls. Every small boundary you set builds your emotional muscles.

2. Give yourself permission to feel grown-up

If you still feel like a little girl around your parents, you’re not alone.
Family dynamics can freeze us emotionally, even if we’re successful, independent adults elsewhere.

A powerful shift happens when you remind yourself: "I am allowed to be an adult. I am allowed to choose."

Try practising this mantra before tough conversations. Stand or sit tall, breathe deeply, and remind yourself, you are an equal, not a child seeking permission.

3. Challenge the “What will people say” trap

This one’s huge. "Log kya kahenge" (what will people say) is often treated like the ultimate law.

Most people are too busy with their own lives to care for long, and often, communal gossip is used as a deflection of something that person is struggling to deal with. 

Your life is your business. And people certainly will judge, it’s what people do.

However, centralising your mental health, peace, and happiness is worth more than momentary gossip.

Your choices don’t need to be validated by the entire community, they just need to feel right to you. This is not easy, but you can counter this aspect of your upbringing. 

4. Separate gratitude from guilt

You can love and respect your parents deeply and still make different choices. Gratitude means appreciating what they gave you, it doesn’t mean sacrificing your entire life in return.

Saying no isn’t being ungrateful. It's being human.

You’re not rejecting their love, you’re honouring the foundation they gave you by building a life that reflects your authentic self. Will your parents get on board with this approach? Perhaps not, however, part of not permission seeking is to be able to tolerate discomfort and set boundaries that work for you.  

5. Build a “self-connection” ritual

Every week, take time to ask yourself:

• What do I want right now?
• What do I need?
• Am I living in alignment with my values?

It could be journaling for 10 minutes, taking a mindful walk, or simply sitting quietly with yourself.

The more connected you are to your needs, the less guilty you’ll feel about honouring them.

Ready to go deeper?

Reading blogs like this can feel inspiring, but real, lasting change often needs safe, structured support.

That’s where counselling comes in. 

Counselling can offer you a confidential, judgement-free and culturally competent space where you can:

• Understand your family dynamics without guilt
• Learn exactly how to set boundaries (in a way that feels respectful)
• Build the confidence to say no without spiralling into shame
• Feel like a strong, grounded adult around your family
• Stay deeply connected to your roots without losing your own identity

You don’t have to choose between you and your family. You can create a life where both exist. You are not selfish. You are not broken. You are worthy of living a life that feels good to you.