Being an anxious, single, childless woman in a harsh society

Have you ever caught yourself wondering why you're still single, especially when it feels like everyone around you is coupled up or building families? Do you sometimes feel like an outsider at gatherings – watching couples hold hands, hearing conversations swirl around wedding plans, baby scans, or romantic weekend getaways – while your own experience remains unspoken, even unseen?

Are you exhausted by the never-ending questions: “Why are you still single?”, “Don’t you want children?”, "Shouldn't you be thinking about freezing your eggs?" Do you find yourself dreading dinners with coupled-up friends, where you're the odd one out, or weddings where your solo status becomes a not-so-subtle topic of conversation? And does Christmas hit differently – when every shop window shouts about togetherness, from ‘His and Hers’ mugs and pyjamas to movies about mistletoe kisses and fairytale romances?

If any of this resonates, this article is for you.

Whether your single, childless status is by choice, by circumstance, or still unfolding, I want you to know: you are not the problem. Society is. A society that insists your worth is measured by your relationship status or parental role has failed to make space for the fullness and dignity of your whole life, just as it is. And of course, this will have a definitive impact on your mental health. Why wouldn’t it be when we are primarily social beings?

This piece is written to offer you not just validation, but comfort and support – and maybe even strength. You deserve to be seen, heard and celebrated as a whole, thriving independent woman. You are no less because you are single or without children. You are more than enough, you are enough exactly as you are.

The silent struggle: A research gap in understanding single, childless women's mental health

Despite the increasing number of women choosing or finding themselves without children, there remains a notable scarcity of research focusing on the mental health and well-being of single, childless women. While some studies suggest that childless women may experience poorer physical and mental health during their reproductive years (Graham, 2015), others indicate that single, childless women often report higher levels of happiness and life satisfaction (Paul, 2019).

This dichotomy underscores the complexity of women's experiences and the need for more nuanced, comprehensive research. The lack of targeted studies means that the unique challenges and strengths of this demographic are frequently overlooked in mental health discourse and policy-making. Addressing this gap is crucial to developing inclusive support systems that acknowledge and validate the diverse life choices and circumstances of all women.

Strength, mental health and reframing the narrative

Society often imposes rigid expectations on women, dictating that fulfilment comes from marriage and motherhood. For single, childless women, particularly in cultures that place immense emphasis on family and reproduction, navigating life can feel like an uphill battle. However, being a woman does not mean you must marry, and having a womb does not equate to the obligation of bearing children. Every woman has the right to define her own path. Every woman has a choice for her individual life.

This article explores the neurobiology of societal pressure, the mental health implications and can provide you with practical coping strategies tailored to your individual needs.

The neuroscience of social conditioning and emotional responses

Our brains are wired to seek social acceptance due to evolutionary survival mechanisms. The limbic system, which includes the amygdala and hippocampus, plays a crucial role in processing emotions and social cues (LeDoux, 2019). When societal expectations conflict with your personal reality, your brain interprets this as a form of social rejection, activating the stress response system (Eisenberger and Lieberman, 2012).

The hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis governs this stress response by releasing cortisol, the body’s primary stress hormone (McEwen, 2020). Prolonged exposure to societal stigma can lead to chronic stress, anxiety and depression (Slavich and Irwin, 2014). Understanding this biological response empowers women to counteract it through self-regulation strategies that engage the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS), which promotes relaxation and emotional stability (Porges, 2011).

Individual experiences: Why one approach doesn't fit all

Just as DNA is unique to each individual, so is everyone’s experience of being single and childless. Cultural background, personal values, and life circumstances shape how women internalise or resist societal pressure. The mental health impact varies widely, with some experiencing deep distress and others embracing their independence. This underscores the need for individualised coping strategies rather than a prescriptive approach.

In my work with clients, I co-create self-soothing strategies that align with my clients’ personal strengths and lifestyles. What works for one woman may not resonate with another, so co-creating tailored support is essential.

Reframing single, childless womanhood: Strength over stigma

One of the most critical shifts is reframing what it means to be a single, childless woman. The dominant narrative suggests failure, when in reality, society has failed to embrace diverse paths of womanhood. This distinction is essential: not having children or a partner does not signify failure – rather, a rigid societal framework has failed to accommodate diverse female identities.

Cultural expectations, particularly in South Asian and other traditional communities, place immense pressure on women to conform. Many experience "othering," a phenomenon where they are made to feel like outcasts. Yet, neuroscience highlights the power of cognitive reframing, a process where shifting one's perspective can alter emotional responses and strengthen resilience (Beck, 2011).

Client case example 1: Self-affirmation as a daily anchor

Pseudonym: Aisha 

Aisha, a 39-year-old South Asian woman, felt immense pressure from her family to marry. Each wedding invitation or casual comment about "running out of time" triggered anxiety. Traditional mindfulness techniques did not resonate with her, so we developed a self-affirmation strategy.

She wrote messages for herself like:

• "I am whole as I am."
• "My worth is not determined by my marital status."
• "I choose my happiness over societal approval."

She placed these affirmations in her home – on her bedroom mirror, inside her handbag, and even as a phone wallpaper and calendar alerts with reminders. Over time, these messages rewired her cognitive responses, helping her internalise self-acceptance (Critcher and Dunning, 2015).

Client case example 2: Creating a "self-love box" for emotional resilience

Pseudonym: Angela

Angela is a 45-year-old woman who struggled with loneliness, especially during family gatherings where she was the only unmarried sibling. To counteract distress, we co-created a "self-love box."

This box contained:

• Handwritten letters from herself, written on good days to remind her of her strengths.
• Small gifts she had given herself over the years.
• A playlist of songs that made her feel empowered.
• Photographs of places she had travelled to alone, reminding her of her independence.

Each time she felt overwhelmed, she opened this box, engaging her senses in a self-soothing practice that activated her brain’s reward system (Koelsch, 2012).

Protecting your peace: Gentle ways to respond to intrusive questions

When emotions are running high, especially around sensitive topics like being single or not having children, it's entirely human to want to blurt something out in anger or walk away in frustration. By having a few calm, prepared responses in your back pocket, it can help you feel more in control, rather than caught off guard.

These aren’t about justifying yourself – because you don’t owe anyone an explanation – it’s about drawing kind, firm boundaries that prioritise your mental health and well-being. You will notice that the more calmly and assertively you can respond to these questions, the more they will be accepted.

Neuroscientifically, this involves engaging the prefrontal cortex (the brain’s rational command centre) to regulate the emotional responses of the amygdala, particularly when you're triggered by social stressors (Davidson and Begley, 2012). Preparing a handful of responses ahead of time not only reduces your anxiety, it helps you to rewire your brain for future confidence and calm in similar situations (Siegel, 2020).

Here are ten gentle, respectful phrases you might find helpful to use when the questioning starts:

1. "I appreciate your concern, but I’m very content with where I am in my life right now."
2. "That’s something personal I’m choosing not to talk about at the moment, and thank you for your understanding."
3. "I’m focusing on my growth and happiness right now, and that feels like the right place for me."
4. "I’m not sure that’s a conversation I want to have here today, and I really appreciate you asking."
5. "I’ve realised not every life looks the same, and I’m embracing what mine looks like right now."
6. "I’m living my best life in a way that aligns with who I truly am, and that’s what matters most to me."
7. "I know you’re coming from a caring place, and I’d prefer we not talk about my personal life today."
8. "My journey is unfolding in its own way and time, and I’m genuinely happy with that."
9. "It’s a question I get a lot, and for now, I’m just enjoying where I am."
10. "Let’s talk about something lighter – I’d love to hear what you’ve been up to lately instead."

Other creative and practical coping strategies

• Visualisation techniques: Imagining an alternate, supportive society can ease distress. Guided imagery exercises can create an internal sanctuary, providing a sense of safety and acceptance (Holmes and Mathews, 2010).
• Tactile comfort items: Carrying a smooth stone or wearing textured fabric can serve as a grounding technique, like a wristband, to redirect anxious thoughts (Craig, 2015).
• Journaling unspoken thoughts: Expressing emotions through writing activates the prefrontal cortex, reducing amygdala-driven distress responses (Pennebaker, 2013).
• Bilateral stimulation practices: Alternating gentle taps on opposite arms or engaging in rhythmic movements (such as walking) can help process emotions more effectively (Shapiro, 2018).
• Establishing rituals of self-celebration: Marking personal milestones, whether solo trips, career achievements, or friendships, reinforces self-worth outside of societal norms.

Redefining strength on your own terms

Being a single, childless woman does not mean you have failed – rather, it is society that has failed to support you being a diverse female with different experiences. Neuroscience confirms that self-acceptance and reframing narratives can rewire your brain responses, building resilience and well-being. Individualised coping strategies empower women to navigate societal pressure with strength, rather than succumbing to it.

If you struggle with these challenges, consider seeking professional support from a therapist to co-create strategies that align with your unique life experiences. Every woman deserves to feel valued, and always on her own terms.

References

• Beck, A. T. (2011). Cognitive therapy: Basics and beyond. Guilford Press.
• Craig, A. D. (2015). How do you feel? An interoceptive moment with your neurobiological self. Princeton University Press.
• Critcher, C. R., & Dunning, D. (2015). Self-affirmations provide a broader perspective on self-threat. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 41(1), 3-18.
• Davidson, R. J., & Begley, S. (2012). The emotional life of your brain. Hudson Street Press.
• Eisenberger, N. I., & Lieberman, M. D. (2012). The pain of social disconnection: Examining the shared neural underpinnings of physical and social pain. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 13(6), 421-434.
• Graham M. (2015). Is being childless detrimental to a woman's health and well-being across her life course?. Women's health issues: official publication of the Jacobs Institute of Women's Health, 25(2), 176–184. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.whi.2014.12.002
• Holmes, E. A., & Mathews, A. (2010). Mental imagery in emotion and emotional disorders. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(3), 349-362.Koelsch, S. (2012). Brain and music. John Wiley & Sons.
• LeDoux, J. (2019). The deep history of ourselves. Viking.
• McEwen, B. S. (2020). The end of stress as we know it. Dana Press.
• Paul, M. (2019) ‘Women are happier without children or a spouse, says happiness expert’, The Guardian, 25 May. Available at: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert
• Pennebaker, J. W. (2013). The secret life of pronouns. Bloomsbury Press.
• Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory. Norton.
• Shapiro, F. (2018). Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy. Guilford Press.
• Siegel, D. J. (2020). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are. Guilford Press.
• Slavich, G. M., & Irwin, M. R. (2014). From stress to inflammation and major depressive disorder. Psychological Bulletin, 140(3), 774.