Unschooling: healing from boarding school wounds

In this article, I use the term “unschooling” to describe the process of unravelling some of the ways of being, learning, feeling and thinking that may have developed during our school years.

When we think about school, we may picture children attending a mainstream school from Monday to Friday and returning home to their families each evening. In this article, however, I want to explore the experience of boarding school and how the process of unschooling may be possible in adulthood.

Boarding schools can be attended by children from a range of backgrounds, cultures and nationalities. Some children may begin boarding from as young as eight years old and spend a significant part of their childhood living away from their parents and siblings. Children from military families may also attend boarding schools.

Boarding school experiences are not the same for everyone. Some former boarders look back on their time at school positively, while others may carry feelings of loneliness, homesickness, pressure or emotional disconnection into adulthood. It is these more difficult experiences that I want to explore here.

What is boarding school syndrome?

Psychotherapist and author Nick Duffell has used the term “privileged abandonment” to describe the particular experience of children who are separated from their families through boarding education, which can form part of what is sometimes called “boarding school syndrome”.

Imagine being eight years old and being taken to an unfamiliar environment, away from your parents and siblings. You may need to make new friends, follow a set curriculum and adapt to a highly structured routine, often with limited autonomy over your learning and daily life.

For some children, this separation can be deeply challenging. They may experience homesickness, loneliness or a sense of abandonment, particularly if they find it difficult to talk openly about how much they miss home.

A child may also experience a confusing emotional contradiction: “Mum and Dad say they love me, but at the same time they have sent me somewhere I don't want to be.” For some children, this can create a difficult double bind. They may love their parents and understand that their parents believe boarding school is the right choice for them, while simultaneously feeling hurt, angry, frightened or abandoned by the separation.

There may also be experiences of bullying, competition, pressure to achieve or difficulties with teachers and other authority figures. When a child cannot easily return home at the end of the day, they may have fewer opportunities to seek comfort and reassurance from their family.

Over time, some children may learn to set their emotional needs aside to cope with their environment.

The impact of early separation from home

Boarding school can involve long days, demanding timetables and a high level of structure. For some children, this may feel containing and reassuring. For others, the lack of choice, freedom and downtime may feel exhausting. When children have limited opportunities for rest, play and creativity, they may find it difficult to connect with their own interests and desires. 

In a busy boarding school environment, a child may not always have the same opportunities for one-to-one support and reassurance that they might have at home, and in some cases, a child may gradually learn that their feelings and needs are less important than meeting expectations.

This can be particularly difficult when a child is experiencing something new or frightening. For example, menstruation can be an important transition for a young girl. If she has not been adequately prepared or supported, she may experience embarrassment, shame or confusion, particularly if she is expected to manage it without much emotional support. This may leave her feeling that her body and her needs are something she has to deal with privately.

These experiences will be different for every child, but when a child repeatedly experiences their needs being minimised or overlooked, they may begin to develop ways of coping that continue into adulthood.

How boarding school experiences can show up in adulthood

The impact of boarding school is not necessarily obvious. Someone may be successful, independent, and high-achieving while still carrying beliefs and coping strategies that developed during childhood.

Some former boarders may describe a feeling of numbness or disconnection. After years of a highly structured routine and constant scheduling, slowing down can feel unfamiliar. They may find themselves moving through life without knowing what they enjoy, what they want or what gives them a sense of passion and purpose.

Perfectionism

Some people may develop perfectionistic tendencies. Being rewarded for achievement and learning to meet high expectations can become closely connected with a person's sense of worth.

This might contribute to all-or-nothing thinking, anxiety and a feeling that things must be done perfectly. For some people, these patterns may also be connected with difficulties around food, body image or self-esteem.

Feeling insignificant

Another possible pattern is a deep belief of “I don't matter” or “I don't deserve more”. A person may find themselves in a job or relationship that doesn't feel right but struggle to imagine choosing something different. They may have learned to prioritise what is expected of them over what they actually need or want.

Relationships and intimacy

Boarding school can also shape the way someone experiences relationships. Experiences of bullying, competition, cliques and a lack of privacy may influence how safe intimacy feels later in life.

Some adults may find themselves attracted to relationships that feel familiar, even when those relationships are not healthy for them. Others may avoid intimacy altogether because being emotionally close to another person feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable. They may struggle to express a need, set a boundary or even recognise what their needs are.

Stress and overworking

For some people, being busy, stressed and constantly productive can become a familiar state. After years of living within demanding schedules and expectations, rest may feel uncomfortable or undeserved. The person may know how to work hard and achieve, but not necessarily how to stop, rest and feel safe.

Self-trust and people-pleasing

A highly structured environment can also mean becoming accustomed to following the expectations of authority figures.

As adults, some former boarders may find it difficult to trust their own judgement. They may look to other people to decide what is right, become highly accommodating or struggle to say no.

People-pleasing can sometimes become a way of maintaining safety and connection: if I do what others expect of me, perhaps I will be accepted.

How counselling can help

Talking about experiences at boarding school with a counsellor who understands the complexity of early separation can provide an opportunity to explore these experiences in a safe and supportive environment.

Counselling can offer a space where your story is fully heard and taken seriously, without judgement. For someone who has spent years putting their feelings aside, being listened to with empathy and acceptance can be an important experience in itself.

Together, you and your counsellor may begin to explore the beliefs and coping strategies that developed during childhood.

You might begin to notice thoughts such as:

• “I have to do everything perfectly.”
• “I shouldn't need anyone.”
• “My needs aren't important.”
• “I have to keep going.”
• “I don't deserve more.”
• “I need other people to tell me what is right.”

Rather than simply accepting these beliefs as facts, counselling can create space to become curious about them. Where did this belief come from? Did it help me at the time? Is it still helpful to me now? Is it actually true? What would I believe about myself if I had experienced something different? This process can help someone begin to distinguish between who they are and the ways they learned to cope.

Counselling can also provide an opportunity to reconnect with feelings and needs that may have been pushed aside. You might begin to recognise when you are tired, what you enjoy, what you need from other people and where you need to establish boundaries. Over time, developing this awareness can support greater self-trust and self-compassion.

The process is not about blaming parents or schools, nor is it about deciding that every boarding school experience was harmful. It is about understanding your own experience and recognising whether some of the ways you learned to survive or adapt as a child are still affecting your life today.

Beginning the process of unschooling

Perhaps unschooling in this sense is about giving ourselves permission to question some of the lessons we absorbed as children:

• Do I really need to be perfect?
• Do I have to keep achieving to be worthy?
• Am I allowed to rest?
• Can I ask for help?
• What do I actually want?
• What are my needs?
• Can I trust myself?

Counselling can provide a relationship in which these questions can be explored at a pace that feels safe.

For some former boarders, this may be the beginning of learning that they don't always have to comply, achieve, suppress or keep going. They can begin to discover that their feelings have a place, their needs matter, and they are allowed to make choices based on what feels right for them now.

This is the process I mean by unschooling: gently untangling the beliefs, feelings and ways of being that may have developed during our school years, and creating space to discover who we are beyond them.