Behind closed doors: The emotional toll of excusing misogyny

As a psychotherapist, I’ve seen a pattern that many women experience but don’t often talk about openly: the emotional toll of excusing or defending misogynistic behaviour. 

It might start with brushing off a sexist comment as “just banter” or defending someone’s inappropriate behaviour because “they didn’t mean it like that.” But over time, these small moments can build into something bigger, a lingering sense of discomfort, guilt, or even a loss of confidence.

Let’s dive into what’s really going on beneath the surface when women feel stuck defending behaviour that doesn’t sit right with them, and how they can start to move forward.

Feeling like you’re “overreacting”

How often have you told yourself, “It’s not that big a deal,” or “I’m probably just being too sensitive”? If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many women have been taught to minimise their feelings to avoid conflict or keep the peace.

This happens because of something called internalised misogyny. It’s when we absorb societal messages that prioritise others’ comfort over our own, especially men’s. It’s not your fault, it’s how many of us were raised. But it can leave you second-guessing yourself and your instincts.

In therapy, I help women unpack where these thoughts come from and remind them that their feelings are valid. It’s okay to feel hurt or upset by something, even if others say it’s “just a joke.”

Trying to keep the peace

We’ve all been in those situations where calling out someone’s behaviour feels more awkward than just laughing along. Maybe it’s a colleague making an inappropriate joke in a meeting, or a friend defending something you don’t agree with. Speaking up feels risky, what if they get defensive or you’re labelled as “too serious”?

The fear of being judged or excluded is a big reason many women tolerate or even defend behaviour they don’t actually agree with. In therapy, we talk about this pressure to keep the peace and why it’s so exhausting. Learning how to set boundaries, even in small ways, can be a game-changer.

The emotional tug-of-war

One of the trickiest parts of excusing bad behaviour is the emotional conflict it creates. You might tell yourself, “It wasn’t that bad,” but deep down, it doesn’t sit right. This is something psychologists call cognitive dissonance, when your actions and your values don’t line up, and it leaves you feeling uneasy.

For example, maybe you laughed off a sexist comment in front of others, but later you feel frustrated with yourself for not saying something. That’s a tough place to be. Therapy can help you figure out what’s behind that discomfort and how to handle similar situations differently in the future.

The weight of people-pleasing

Let’s be honest: many women are taught to prioritise other people’s feelings over their own. It’s a survival strategy we’ve picked up to avoid being seen as “difficult” or “too emotional.”

But constantly putting other people’s comfort ahead of your own can leave you feeling drained and resentful. In therapy, we often explore how these habits developed and how to gently unlearn them. You don’t have to be the one smoothing things over all the time, it’s okay to prioritise yourself.

Past experiences shaping your reactions

Sometimes, the way we respond to misogynistic behaviour isn’t just about the moment, it’s about everything we’ve been through before. Maybe you’ve faced backlash for speaking up in the past, or you’ve been taught that standing up for yourself is risky.

For women with a history of harassment or discrimination, tolerating bad behaviour can feel like a safer option. Therapy can be a space to unpack those experiences and rebuild your sense of power and confidence. You don’t have to stay silent to protect yourself, there are ways to assert yourself that feel safe and empowering.

The celebrity factor

When it comes to defending public figures, like Gregg Wallace, there’s another layer at play: the emotional connection people feel to celebrities. You might admire their work or feel like you “know” them because of how they come across on TV. This emotional attachment can make it harder to accept when their behaviour is called into question.

Therapy can help clients separate their feelings about someone’s public persona from their values. It’s okay to enjoy someone’s work while also holding them accountable for their actions, it doesn’t have to be one or the other.

So, what’s next?

If any of this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone. These patterns are incredibly common, and they don’t mean you’re weak or complicit. They mean you’ve been navigating a world that often prioritises other people’s comfort over your own, and that’s a tough balancing act.

The good news is, these patterns aren’t permanent. With the right support, you can start to:

• Trust your instincts and stop second-guessing yourself.
• Set boundaries that protect your energy and values.
• Feel confident speaking up in a way that works for you.
• Let go of the guilt or discomfort that comes with past decisions.

Therapy isn’t about changing who you are, it’s about reconnecting with yourself and learning how to show up in the world in a way that feels authentic and empowering. You don’t have to settle for tolerating behaviour that doesn’t align with your values.

You deserve better, and you’re allowed to expect it.