Talking with your teen about tough topics

Is there a difficult conversation you know you need to have with your tween or teenage child, but the very thought of bringing it up is making your stomach lurch? Few things make parents squirm quite like attempting to discuss tricky topics, whether it's "the talk", friendships or online safety. 

A recent report from the Children's Commissioner describes children's exposure to online pornography as a "line in the sand". And the findings are undeniably grim, with children encountering pornography at younger ages, sometimes as young as six, often by accident. A lot of what they are seeing is violent or degrading, and this is shaping really negative attitudes about relationships and consent.

It's not just you feeling uneasy about how to begin these conversations. Talking about pornography or any awkward subject can feel uncomfortable, but avoiding these conversations leaves young people more vulnerable.

So, why do these conversations feel so tricky in the first place?

Why do some conversations feel awkward?

Topics such as sex, body changes, relationships and online safety can be uncomfortable for parents and teens. You might worry that you'll say the wrong thing, that your child will feel you're judging them or that they'll just dismiss you. From their perspective, your teen may feel embarrassed, worried that they're in trouble or defensive. 

When you recognise that you're both likely to be feeling awkward, it can feel a bit easier - at least you have this feeling in common! It's normal for these chats to feel a bit clumsy, but this doesn't mean that you should shy away from them. You can even normalise this awkwardness by naming it, for example, "OK, this is probably going to feel a bit uncomfortable, but it's important". By naming this out loud, you can actually reduce tension. 

How to make it easier

Reframe from a one-off to ongoing

Thinking of these as ongoing conversations rather than a one-off "Big Talk" is a helpful way to reframe talking about a tricky topic. When you keep it casual and short, it's much easier for your teen to engage. 

Choose the right moment

Timing is everything! Avoid bringing it up in the midst of an argument or immediately after discovering there's an issue. Give yourself a bit of time to get your thoughts together and take a breath. You can choose a time when you're both feeling relatively relaxed, such as taking a walk with the dog or going in the car on the way somewhere. 

How to open the conversation

Approaching with a curious mindset rather than wanting to instruct is a good place to start. For example, you could begin by asking, "What do your friends at school think about online pornography?" - make it clear to them that you're genuinely interested in hearing their thoughts.

You could also use a news story or something on TV as a way to introduce the topic, for example, "I saw a story about how young children can stumble across pornography online. How do other kids your age feel when that happens?" You could also talk about your experience or something you've come across, like "I read about this app, do you know how it works?". 

When you go into the conversation open and wanting to find out more, you're much more likely to get a positive response than just giving an outright warning - "Stay away from porn, it's dangerous and bad for you".

Balancing guidance and respect

When you're having this chat, it's really important to acknowledge their perspective and independence, while also being clear about your boundaries. It's easier to explain why these boundaries matter when you're approaching from a mutual and respectful point. This is about emphasising trust in them and concern for their safety over control. 

Making it easier over time

• Break topics into smaller chats rather than one heavy sit-down.
• Use resources (articles, videos, or even their school's PSHE materials) as conversation starters.
• Keep listening central - teens usually want to be heard more than they want to be told what to do.

Awkwardness is actually a sign that you are addressing something important, not a sign that you're failing. Keep in mind that the response or reaction you initially get from them is just that, an initial reaction to a topic that feels uncomfortable. A grunt, an eye-roll or a 'whatever' doesn't mean that they aren't listening. They are taking in what you're saying, and they will process this in their own time and way. And remember that it's consistency and a willingness to go back and revisit the topic that builds trust. 

Awkward conversations may never feel completely comfortable, but comfortable isn't the goal here. What you're aiming to do is to show your teen that you are interested and willing to listen, even when the subject is complicated and uncomfortable. It lets them know that it's worth talking about these things and, most importantly, that they can always turn to you when it matters most. The more you practise starting these tricky conversations, the easier they become. What matters most is showing up, even when it feels awkward.