Anger: how to make it your friend

In this article, we will explore anger and why we need it as humans. We will delve into how to use anger and connect with it safely to better our mental health and life experience.

Anger is a necessary, natural emotion that provides feedback to our nervous system. It helps us perceive whether someone is crossing our boundaries, supports self-respect, and is linked to our personal power and social justice. So why do we struggle with it so much?

Firstly, we can explore what we learn about anger as a child. Many people, as children, are told anger is bad, naughty, and is associated with rejection, being excluded and being told off. Societal norms tell us anger is destructive, ugly, to be suppressed and feared. Those who express anger are dangerous, unpredictable and out of control.

Factually, anger as an emotion is different to a violent behavioural expression of anger. What often happens is people mix up anger as a feeling with challenging behaviour fuelled by anger. This is what gives anger a bad reputation. Society often promotes suppressing anger to be accepted, while also condemning even healthy expressions of anger.

It is possible to be angry, stay in control, stand up for our boundaries, and challenge injustice without using violence. For many, anger is a tricky emotion to hold and accept due to internal and external pressure to banish it.

Suppression is not the key

Suppressing our anger can have negative consequences. Suppressing emotions can be exhausting and draining and can lead to a loss of connection to our feelings, including more positive emotions. It can breed resentment, which only builds the longer even small grievances are left unattended.

It is easy to turn anger inwards, twisting into self-criticism, shame or even depressive symptoms. It can drive anxiety, hyper-vigilance and repetitive ruminating thinking styles. Anger suppression can lead to creating adaptations that don’t serve us with regards to setting and keeping healthy relationship boundaries.

Anger can serve many purposes for those who allow themselves to feel and explore it. For those who find this difficult or even impossible, they have likely created strong beliefs around anger being dangerous, inappropriate, and to be avoided at all costs. Anger becomes a threat as it is associated with fear of abandonment, exclusion and being unlovable.

How integrating our anger can help us

Personal power

By being in tune with our anger, and its levels of intensity, from irritation, frustration, betrayal or fury, it can ignite our personal power to take action, solve problems and advocate for change.

Saying no

For some people, saying ‘no’ can be extremely difficult. Avoiding a direct 'no' is a coping strategy many people use to avoid conflict or angering others, but the consequence can be that you upset yourself.

Of course, there are situations where we choose not to say no, but there is an internal debate of the benefits and consequences, so that particular 'no' becomes an informed choice. Saying no and meaning no, even if we feel uncomfortable doing so, helps us maintain boundaries, which in turn makes saying yes meaningful.

Giving yourself permission to say a polite and thoughtful ‘no’ can be very liberating. On the other end of the scale, connecting with your irritation or anger can help you say no, which is why it can be your ally.

Energy

The amount of mental and physical energy required to suppress anger can be huge. Continuous suppression is exhausting and can lead to deep-rooted resentment and, in some cases, an explosion of emotion later. Energy not being used to suppress our anger can be freed up to be used elsewhere.

Authenticity

Integrating our anger (as well as other emotions) and allowing it to serve as an indicator for change or decision-making, in turn, leads to living as a more authentic person. It can be seen as an act of self-care, promoting less emotional masking, and living by values not imposed by others. It builds self-trust and opens a gate to fulfilment that might be otherwise closed. Anger can be a very helpful driver if harnessed in a healthy and compassionate way.

How to get in touch with our anger

There are several strategies to help us connect with our anger that may be worth trying. This, in turn, helps us gain insight into who we are.

If it feels overwhelming, take time to explore the suggestions below slowly, when you’re in a reflective, calm mood. Have an activity to move on to in case you need a distraction afterwards.

Taking the time to understand our experience of anger has the potential to be life-affirming and enlightening.

Understand our triggers

Taking time to explore what situations and people can incite anger. Is your moral code being challenged by others' behaviour? Is your anger activated by personal experiences or larger global or societal situations?

Try creating a list and noticing when they happen; reflect on whether you can connect with the anger or outrage, and what you do with it.

Exploring when other people’s anger scares us

Although other people’s anger can be a trigger, it is important to recognise that our reaction is fear. This can fuel our own assumption of anger being bad.

We can evaluate whether we are uncomfortable with the expression, the language used, or whether it feels threatening and dangerous, and whether protecting ourselves is important.

This is especially important when responding to anger in children. If all anger scares us, then there will be the temptation to stifle it in others, even when it isn’t a danger.

Life experience

Taking stock of your experience of anger throughout your life can be helpful. What comes to mind immediately? Investigating prominent experiences for their impact on how you manage both your own and other people’s anger.

When was it expressed, and when was it suppressed? How was anger viewed in your household when you were a child? Do your childhood memories of anger influence you in the present day?

Body sensations

One way to connect to anger is to try to locate it in our body. Referred to as somatic sensing, getting to know your bodily sensations, especially when anger is rising, can aid how we respond.

Scanning for tension, discomfort, temperature rise, or shallow breathing can all indicate our nervous system is being triggered. Getting to know your body’s signals for emotions can help us understand our experience.

All of the above require using curiosity to investigate our own anger, beliefs and judgements. When do we express anger, and when do we suppress or deny it? Building self-awareness can increase our capacity to hold difficult emotions like anger in the moment, then use them wisely rather than reactively. Anger doesn’t have to be the enemy; it can be a friend in the form of feedback that we can listen to.

If you find it difficult to understand or express your anger, working with a counsellor can help you explore your feelings, recognise patterns and develop healthier ways of responding.