A brief 'what', 'when', 'how' and 'why' of grief counselling

Grief is often assumed to be only about the death of a beloved person or pet, but it could be said that all change is loss and so we can grieve when a relationship breaks down or when we lose a job through redundancy or retirement, or maybe after a change in domestic circumstances, perhaps when adult children leave home.

There are differing views about whether and when to seek counselling for grieving. For some bereaved people, (about half according to research) grief is experienced as a natural process and they do not need professional help.

Grief expert Doctor John Wilson advises that you probably don’t need professional help if:

• You can talk, without distress, about the death or loss in some detail
• You can make some kind of sense of the loss.
• Do not have feelings of guilt (or if these were present, they have now stopped)
• Can look at photographs of the lost one and not become overwhelmed with emotion
• Listen to music reminiscent of them.
• You no longer search for them
• You can move easily between feeling sad and getting on with your day
• It feels alright to feel sadness about the loss at times
• You can smile and laugh about your loved one or the things they did
• You can enjoy talking about them
• You are able to feel hopeful about life and your future
• You have started to find fulfilment in your life
• You can do all of the above without feeling guilty.    

Regarding timing, it seems broadly accepted that accessing counselling immediately after your loss is too soon. I often work with people needing help with their grief after about 6 months and this seems to prove really helpful for many. After this time, if you are overwhelmed by your emotions, struggling with daily functioning, grappling with making any sense out of events, or believing you can’t go on without your loved one, grief counselling might be a good option for you. 

Many people don’t know what to say to someone who is bereaved, and counselling can offer the space that might be difficult to find elsewhere – somewhere to talk and have your thoughts and feelings non-judgementally and patiently witnessed. I often hear clients say that they “feel a burden” or that their friends, family or colleagues are “too busy”, or are “fed up of listening to me.”

Such thoughts can influence you to delay your grief, as can some life events. Sometimes the delay happens due to attempts at protecting other loved ones, putting their feelings first. This delay can become the default and can last for years. This can manifest as depression, irritability, or lack of interest in life, and sometimes requires another stress or loss to activate it. 

None of us grieve in exactly the same way, and indeed each loss we encounter may be experienced quite differently. Below are some things to bear in mind that might help the process and which counselling can support you to implement:

• Allow your feelings. You may notice a mixture of emotions including confusion, sadness and anger.
• Share how you think and feel with trusted and supportive people. It can be a relief just to be open about what’s on your mind and in your heart.
• Look after yourself. Try, if you can, to ensure you’re doing the basics – eat well, hydrate, prioritise sleep, and move.
• Honour your loss. This will be whatever ritual resonates for you - anything from chatting to a photo of a loved one, keeping a memory box, visiting your loved one’s resting place, to planting a tree or rose bush in their name.
• Be patient. There is no set timeline for grief and you will heal in your own time.
• Get creative. You may already be in touch with your creative side or you may be surprised at how beneficial it feels to express yourself through art, poetry or music.
• Seek help and accept professional support. If it’s feeling too hard to do this on your own, it’s more than ok to reach out to a counsellor. (Check out with your employer or academic organisation as they may have an ‘employee’ assistance programme you can access free of charge).

If you do decide to access help, you won’t be changed or healed by your counsellor but they will offer you a space that is quite unique where you can change yourself. We humans are meaning makers and so if you’re open to it, counselling can help you make sense of the loss and discover how you might be able to begin to live fully in the world again.

References:

• Wilson, J. (2013). The Plain Guide to Grief. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers