10 ways to greater self-acceptance through parts work

I first discovered parts work many years ago when training in gestalt. I remember the liberation of separating out 'parts' of me so that I could find the voices that I was driven by. 

I’d always used a bit of this approach with clients who seemed to have difficulty accepting elements of their personality, feelings or behaviour. My recent training in Internal Family System therapy has taken the parts work onto a new level - both as a therapist and in my personal journey.

The following list is a summary of some of the benefits of seeing things this way. 

The benefits of parts-work

1 . Knowing that there are parts

Realising that when we’re being “needy”, “defensive”, “demanding", “people pleasing", “perfectionist" or “greedy", or so many other things that we would rather not be - that this is part of who we are, not the whole. Knowing that alongside this part  often exist opposite parts which show themselves at different times and under different circumstances.

2. Knowing that parts had good intentions

Have you spent most of your life trying to get rid of your difficult parts? This approach can help you to see that they all were trying to help in some way. “Needy" parts were trying to get the attention which was lacking’ .“Defensive" parts were offering protection from the pain of criticism. “People pleasing” parts were trying to provide safety by avoiding other people's anger. I saw that my “perfectionist” parts were trying to stop me from being accused of being lazy and my “greedy” parts were trying to make sure that safety was found through comfort.

Understanding their good intentions helps to calm self-criticism and allow compassion and curiosity for all parts.

3. Understanding their roles and beliefs

The more we get to know and understand these parts, the more things start to make sense. The jobs they had were based on things we needed in the past - often in very early years. These roles were needed and helpful at the time. Maybe we had to make the kids in school like us because if we didn’t we would be on our own. We start to see that these parts are acting as if we are still the age we were when they were needed.

The beliefs they had were based on what other people had repeatedly told them in the past, e.g. “Good boys don’t get upset and cry” and “Nice girls help others”. 

4. Learning how to converse with them

Gradually we can get used to the idea that we could have dialogues with some of these parts as if they were separate people. Others who couldn't talk still seemed to be affected by the attention they received. We can hear their stories and update them about who we are now.

They are sometimes surprised to hear how old we are and how many friends and resources we have. We can be surprised to find out that they don’t really like their jobs and would prefer to do something else. My own experience was to be blown away when I noticed them listening to my requests to relax and not overwhelm me.

 5. Discovering the self

Becoming aware that when parts allow space, they have the capacity to be calm, curious, compassionate and many other qualities that we aspire to. When parts aren't in the driving seat we can be led by a true self which isn’t influenced by past hurts or mistaken beliefs. Even though we can't access the self all the time - we get to know what it feels like when we do and it opens up so many possibilities for living in a more conscious and present way.

6. Speaking for, rather than from, the parts

The biggest transformation for me was when I realised that instead of speaking from my parts - being defensive, jealous, scared etc. I could speak for them. Phrases like “Part of me felt defensive when you said that..” became part of my vocabulary and I was able to feel both less intense in the expression of this feeling and less in need of the other person to make it better.

My parts were able to enjoy having their needs and feelings listened to and I was able to enjoy noticing them without being overwhelmed by them. 

7. The scanning power of guided meditation

Through the bustle of everyday life many of us can lose awareness of when our parts are being triggered or when they take over and overwhelm us. I have developed a daily practice of listening to someone who encourages me to scan for parts which need attention. The meditation leader reminds me to offer them gratitude and acceptance. This practice helps to make an insight into a habit. 

8. The use of journaling to consolidate learning

After meditating I spend just a few minutes writing about the parts which have come up and over time I have built a picture of the system inside me. Writing can be a way of giving a voice to the parts and also to become my own internal parent, therapist and calm listening ear.

9. The use of creative tools to engage the imagination

As well as mapping the internal system as described above, we can use our creativity to externalise the way our parts operate. I have experimented with drawing parts of myself to help remind me of their beliefs, vulnerability and needs. I also write poetry and songs both from parts of myself, from my core self to parts and in dialogue between them all. Whatever our creative outlet can be used to better create space within our jumbled up systems. 

10. The role of the therapist

As we get more familiar with inner part conversations we may find it increasingly useful to allow these to be guided by a skilled person who is able to notice and take care of our parts. They can help me to develop relationships with parts and their calm energy can create a space where parts can heal. 

Getting to know and working with parts in active, reflective and creative ways has helped many people I work with to turn down voices of self-criticism, hyper-vigilance and intolerance. It has given quick tangible results in working with over-thinking and repeated anxious thoughts. It has been effective in reducing the need for compulsive behaviours like porn addiction and alcohol abuse.

The key takeaway is that when parts are not accepted, understood and given attention, they tend to act out and overwhelm. Bringing understanding and compassion to them and their reasons for driving us in the way they do - can help them to relax and work with us as part of our internal team.