What is a miscarriage?
Miscarriage is common, with around one in five pregnancies ending in miscarriage. It is a significant and painful loss for those who experience it. Often referred to as ‘invisible grief’, miscarriage is not widely spoken about.
As with any distressing life event, people may respond to miscarriage in different ways. Some may want to talk about what has happened, while others may find it difficult to talk or need more time. Having a confidential and safe space to explore your feelings can be helpful if and when you feel ready.
In this video, integrative counsellor Beverley Roles (MBACP) explains the impacts of miscarriage and how counselling can help.
The emotional impact of miscarriage
A miscarriage can have a profound emotional impact on the person who experiences it, as well as their partner, friends, and family.
Many different factors can shape how you feel after a miscarriage, including the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy and loss. For example, a miscarriage following a long-awaited pregnancy or previous pregnancy loss may bring particularly difficult emotions. However, the stage of pregnancy does not determine the significance of the loss. An early miscarriage can be deeply upsetting, and everyone will experience and process pregnancy loss differently.
You may find your emotions difficult to understand or manage after a miscarriage. People respond to pregnancy loss in many different ways, and there is no right or wrong way to feel. Some people may also experience symptoms of anxiety, depression or post-traumatic stress after pregnancy loss.
Processing what's happened
People can vary greatly in what they need when processing a miscarriage. Some search for answers to the question of why this has happened, while others accept the outcome without such answers. You might find that your emotions vary intensely; some days your mood might feel particularly heavy and other days you may feel calmer and more accepting.
You may not have been given an exact reason as to why it happened, and this can be difficult to accept. Usually, understanding why something has happened helps us to make sense of it and, to a certain extent, allows us to plan for the future.
Often, lacking an explanation for what happened can lead to speculation or feelings of guilt. You may find yourself wondering whether you did something to cause the miscarriage. In most cases, it is not possible to give a reason for an early miscarriage.
Grief after miscarriage
Miscarriage can bring feelings of grief, and everyone will experience this differently. The sense of loss may be profound and may have also triggered feelings about other past losses in a surprising way – and this can be difficult to understand sometimes.
Many people also experience unexpected emotions such as numbness, depression or anger. The anger may be aimed at yourself or, very often, your partner. You may also feel angry towards other people who perhaps don't seem to care or realise how you are feeling.
Talking about miscarriage
Miscarriage brings with it a wide spectrum of possible feelings and implications for those who experience it. It can feel really hard to talk about, but as with other difficult experiences in life, talking really can help. Here are some resources to help you get the conversation started:
Supporting a loved one after a miscarriage
It can be really hard to know what the right thing is to say when someone encounters a loss. Often, the best way to provide comfort is by recognising the significance of what has happened. Although you may wish to give them hope and look towards the future, it's best not to make suggestions to “try again” – this can feel hurtful and insensitive.
It can be a very lonely time as the bereaved parents don't feel understood by others. Well-meaning friends and family can be experienced as insensitive when they focus on the next pregnancy.
- Counsellor Katie Leatham, BACP Accred, UKRCP, Miscarriage.
How can counselling help?
A counsellor can offer a confidential and non-judgemental space where you can talk about your feelings, whatever they may be. There is no right or wrong way to feel after a miscarriage, and counselling can give you time to explore your experience at your own pace.
You may find it difficult to talk openly about your grief with friends or family, or you may feel more comfortable speaking to someone outside your usual support network. With the support of a trained counsellor, you can explore your thoughts and feelings and what the loss means to you.
Pregnancy loss can also affect relationships, particularly when partners experience or express their grief differently. This can sometimes leave one or both people feeling isolated or misunderstood. Relationship counselling can provide a space to talk openly about your experiences, understand each other's needs and explore how the loss has affected your relationship.
Life after a miscarriage
For many, this is a personal time of loss and distress. As well as dealing with your grief, there are practicalities to address about the management of the miscarriage and what to do afterwards. If your pregnancy ended before 24 weeks and you live in England, you can choose to request a baby loss certificate. This is optional and is not a legal document.
Saying goodbye
Quite often, in early miscarriage, there is no funeral. But one thing that helps many people is having a ritual to say goodbye. This may help you and your partner feel a sense of peace. You may wish to ask friends and family to say goodbye with you, or you may prefer to keep it private.
Try to look for some peace and comfort where you can. Looking after yourself and your mental health is so important after a distressing life event.
After a miscarriage, you may feel ready to return to work, or you may need some time away. Depending on your circumstances and your employer's policies, options may include sick leave or compassionate leave. There is no right way to approach this time, so try to give yourself the space and support you need, whether that means talking to others or having some time to yourself.
Grief after a miscarriage can look and feel different for everyone. Some people may begin thinking about another pregnancy, while others may not feel ready, may be unsure or may not want to try again. There is no right timeline for grieving after a miscarriage, and any decision about a future pregnancy is deeply personal.
You may find it helpful to talk about how you feel and share your thoughts about the end of the pregnancy, whether with someone close to you or a professional. Whatever you're feeling after a miscarriage, your experience and wellbeing deserve care and attention.
