The Power Of Listening To Those We Love

January 2nd, 2012 by Caroline Clarke, MBACP - Post-graduate Diploma

Carol struggles to hear Will’s anger over issues that happened two decades ago. “I did my best,” she thinks to herself as he speaks. “Why should I apologise for this stuff when he hasn’t apologised to me for all the hurt and worry he caused? It was all such a long time ago. Isn’t it best forgotten?”

For many of us, the feeling of being truly heard by another person is a powerful and healing experience. A good counsellor will be able to set aside his or her own opinions, beliefs and prejudices in the struggle to understand the client’s world. I believe that no person can ever fully know what it feels like to be someone else and yet, by trying to do so, it is possible to go some way to soothe the other’s emotional hurt and shed new light on difficult situations.

Being listened to by someone who is able to temporarily put their own needs on hold might be all very well in the counselling context, but what about when we, as partners, mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, siblings and friends, are faced with high-stress situations where we are trying to communicate with those we love or care about? When we are feeling hurt and angry ourselves it can be extremely difficult to hear the other person’s story with compassion and understanding.

What would happen if Carol were able to listen, really listen to her son’s point of view? Would she find a grain of truth in what he is saying? Would she be able to empathise with his feelings of anger? What if she were able to set aside her need to defend herself right now? She might not agree with what he is saying or even apologise. Might listening and accepting his version of reality as valid be enough?

And what of Will’s responsibility? Might he be able to learn how to approach his mother in such a way that he is more likely to be heard? For example, instead of attacking his mother’s character with “you are this, you are that” messages that instantly put her on the defensive, might he be able to stay with how he felt as a result of her actions? Might he be able to avoid overwhelming her with a long list of grievances in one go? Perhaps he, too, might be able to show his consideration of her feelings by acknowledging the difficulties she might have been facing at the time.

Counselling can help with these types of dilemmas. The opportunity to explore our thoughts and feelings in a safe, supportive and challenging space can often bring clarity and understanding to situations that can feel unbearably frustrating, even insurmountable. Unravelling our own responsibilities from those of others can be a complicated business. It often takes time, persistence and courage. And there are no guarantees that the other person will follow our lead of listening and speaking with respect and compassion. Nevertheless, learning to listen to the needs of those we love and to communicate our own needs in a way that can be heard can have a hugely positive effect on well-being - not only for us as individuals in our struggle to live full and rewarding lives, but also for those of future generations who look to us as role models.

What greater legacy is there to leave?