In praise of negative thinking: rethinking positivity

How often are we told to stay positive after receiving bad news? When a relationship ends, we lose a job, or a long-held expectation falls apart, a well-meaning friend might suggest that we “stay positive” and not dwell on what has happened. As we know, there are plenty more fish in the sea. We might try to take their advice, perhaps the job or relationship wasn’t all it seemed, or what we hoped they were.

The call to positive thinking

Staying positive might seem like the sensible approach, after all, setbacks happen, and we will need to move on at some point, so why not sooner?

One doesn’t need to look far to see how popular psychology expounds the benefits of positive thinking, from better sleep to reducing stress, becoming more resilient, and even increasing our chances of success. A positive mindset can even draw others towards us, as no one wants to be around misery.

On the surface, it’s hard to argue with any of this. But is positivity always the answer? 

The case against

Optimism, or being able to see the positive in a situation, can be helpful when the outlook appears bleak. In its more extreme form, however, this might become toxic positivity.

Perhaps this conjures up thoughts of certain individuals who dismiss anything that threatens their sunny worldview, despite any evidence contradicting this. While this might seem far away from our own coping mechanisms, do we sometimes behave like this towards ourselves? Do we also try to dismiss challenging thoughts quickly to keep ourselves from being pulled into something less comfortable?

Painful emotions are, by their nature, painful to feel, so it is understandable that we want to avoid them. They might even pull us into familiar, negative thought cycles. But does keeping our distance from them really make them disappear? 

A perceived benefit of positive thinking is that it gives us control over something painful, therefore protecting us from suffering, with the added belief that we are doing ourselves some good. This fits well with the idea of self-improvement and of taking responsibility for ourselves. Allowing ourselves to have negative thoughts might feel like personal failure or evidence of weakness.

Suppressing negative feelings altogether, however, can come at a cost. Thoughts that are repeatedly pushed away can return with more intensity, and sometimes in unexpected forms. We might experience them through physical sensations, such as exhaustion, tension or illness, without being aware of the cause. Unresolved feelings may resurface in other ways, such as distracted thoughts, compulsive patterns, perfectionism or emotional numbness.

Over time, the repetition of these actions might convince us they are a part of who we are. Even when someone appears outwardly calm and positive, the effort required to maintain that state can be exhausting.

The confusion of feelings

Physical pain is relatively easy to understand. We recognise it as a signal that something in the body requires attention. Emotional pain may function similarly, but it is often more difficult for us to interpret. It’s not that painful thoughts should dominate us, but that they may reveal something important about ourselves. So, what are we missing when we try to rid ourselves of uncomfortable feelings?

Anger can be a difficult emotion for many people to express safely. It is often seen as disruptive, antisocial or shameful, and may seem better to remain hidden. Yet, despite its challenging nature, there might be some value in understanding what has caused the anger. When our feelings become roused in this way, it can be a signpost for us, perhaps a personal boundary has been crossed, or something important to us has been violated. Anger doesn’t simply disappear when unacknowledged over long periods of time. Instead, it can get turned inwards towards ourselves, leading to intrusive thoughts, constant irritability or depression, which can make it hard to recognise. 

In psychodynamic psychotherapy, acknowledging our anger does not necessarily mean expressing it explosively. It might be seen in innocuous ways, such as a sarcastic comment, a sudden withdrawal from others, or a surprising emotional reaction. These responses may be pointers towards something else taking place that is not understood. Once we see the anger more clearly, it may lose some of its sting and reveal other emotions beneath it more clearly. We may then be able to approach it with curiosity. 

Doubt provides another example of an uncomfortable, but potentially meaningful, emotional state. Doubt can leave us feeling paralysed, desperate for certainty and reassurance. We may criticise ourselves for hesitating or overthinking, wondering why we cannot get on with things. The doubt, however, might be disguising our fears, fears of making mistakes, rejection, or of upsetting others. Doubt might keep us questioning whether our feelings of anger or sadness are justified in a relationship or situation, perhaps to the extent that we don’t know what we are feeling at all. However, staying trapped in uncertainty might feel safer than confronting something painful or making a difficult decision.

A different approach

Many therapies suggest we sit with our uncomfortable emotions. Psychodynamic psychotherapy, however, goes further by uncovering where those feelings originate from. When we are overcome with doubts, such as whether we are really happy in our job or in our relationship, this approach helps us to discover if we are really unfulfilled, or if we are avoiding a deeper fear, such as commitment. This can be difficult to do alone, which is why psychotherapy can support us when our thoughts feel overwhelming. 

While this process can be challenging, speaking openly about these experiences may help loosen their grip. The value of psychodynamic psychotherapy lies partly in the opportunity to experience these thoughts and feelings differently, not in isolation, and in the presence of another person who listens without judgement. This process often involves revisiting difficult feelings within a safe and reflective environment, allowing the person to explore what lies beneath their coping mechanisms.

Many emotions labelled as negative are, therefore, not meaningless obstacles to our happiness. Instead of automatically reacting with withdrawal, distraction or shutting down, we can eventually grow to understand them.

Of course, positivity itself is not the problem. To be able to see something good when things go wrong can be valuable, and can foster strength, hope and resilience. 

However, positivity becomes limiting when it is used to deny or silence different emotional experiences. Human beings are not meant to feel optimistic all the time, nor should emotional suffering always be treated as something to overcome immediately. Sometimes discomfort carries meaning, and, despite feeling the pain, it might stimulate us to grow emotionally.

To understand ourselves more deeply, we need not only the ability to stay positive, but also the courage to remain with uncertainty, sadness, anger and doubt long enough to hear what they are trying to tell us.