Male and female voluntary childlessness

July 11th, 2011 by Sheila O'Sullivan MAEd

THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED: A STUDY OF ELECTIVE CHILDLESSNESS IN THE UK.

If we are to achieve a richer culture, rich in contrasting values we must recognise the whole gamut of human potentialities, and so weave a less arbitrary social fabric, one in which each diverse human gift will a fitting place.

Margaret Mead

Background to this research 

It was from my own personal and clinical experience that the inspiration for this research developed. Many of my clients, both men and women, both parents and non-parents, were discussing issues relating to loss and ambivalence. Some were expressing the lost opportunities resulting from parenthood, or a sense of missing out as a result of not being a parent. Others had to make a difficult decision to end a loving relationship because of the differing expectations of their partner around wanting a child. Despite facing these difficult life choices these individuals were functioning well and had access to rich internal creativity. Many gay men and women too struggle with the ramifications of possible donor conception, societal expectations and stigmatisation that can result from choosing to have a child. 

The question that merits scrutiny is what exactly constitutes choice around whether or not to parent. Indeed, Monach (1993) states that there is not always a clear boundary between voluntary and involuntary childlessness, and it is more appropriate to view individuals on a continuum. Issues that arise from this would include whether psychogenic infertility an unconscious choice manifested in the body, which conflicts with the mind’s wishes?  Many argue that ambivalence about being a mother may be at the heart of why a woman focuses on her career but grieves the loss of a potential child when the menopause arrives. A forty year male with a low sperm count may feel marginalised from his peers and face an existential crisis and as he is not able to pass on his genes. Grandparents may suffer too from knowing there are no heirs to carry on the family name and genes. The British Asian community in particular have strong pro-natalist messages that make the possibility of choosing a childfree life extremely difficult for individuals.

Furthermore envy plays a strong role as parents may see the freedom enjoyed by their childfree friends, whilst infertile couples may balk at couples who procreate with apparent ease. Others choose to abort in order to avoid parenthood, or to be sterilised, and the infertile may opt for ART, donor conception or adoption as a solution to their problem. Each of these choices are not without psychological consequences that might haunt the individuals and their potential offspring for years.  However Jungian’s (Zoja 1997: Barone-Chapman 2007) write of the symbolic and unconscious transformational opportunities that can arise for individuals who choose to abort or undertake ART.

Without doubt, psychoanalysis has much to offer in its approach to understanding the link between childhood experiences and subsequent infertility as an adult woman. However my clinical experiences led me to question the limitations of psychoanalysis for understanding the full range of individuals who were along the continuum of childlessness. Discussion with Andrew Samuels, my supervisor, extended my interest to elective childlessness. My background reading to this research revealed that non-elective childlessness has been well documented from a range of  perspectives. Although sociologists have written widely on the elective childlessness it was surprising to discover that relatively little has been written from the psychological point of view. Throughout this research I would like to utilise Romanyshyn’s (2007) ideas based on the concept of the ‘wounded researcher’. He wants to imagine how depth psychology can be used to keep the soul in mind when researching so that one can mourn what one has lost in one’s own experience and allow for alchemic transformation for both the participant and researcher.

Purpose of this study

The main thrust of my thesis will be to argue that during the twentieth century classical psychoanalysis considered itself to be in the vanguard of social change, whereas, in the present day it could seen as taking up the rearguard.  Classical psychoanalysis is associated with those who are in line with Freud’s early theories based on his papers written between 1917 and 1933 (Strachey 1971). Female identity is a secondary formation and is based on lack –  of a penis (Ireland 1993).  Electively childless women would be considered to be suffering from a ‘masculinity complex’. Developments in psychoanalysis a during the twentieth century this has led some writers (Raphael-Leff 2007: Benedek and Vaughn 1982: Ruderman 2006) to address the issue of voluntary childlessness in women without attaching a pathological label to this phenomenon. Studies about elective childlessness in men were virtually non-existent until the last 10 years, where now sociologists have broadened out our field of understanding. Psychologists such as Lunnenborg  (1999) undertook qualitative research with mainly American and some British men, while Ireland (1993) did a similar study of electively childlessness American women.

Factors influencing pro-natalism

As can be seen from some of the aforementioned discussion, it could be argued that social convention and the boundaries of what is considered normal are in a state of flux. When one considers the history of pro-natalism in the UK, it can be seen that women in particular have been under strong pressure to conform. Influential ‘mother’ (Gillespie 2002)) discourses have been drawn from religious, scientific and political doctrines. This discourse proposes a deterministic and essentialist view of femininity.  Professionals and experts, as well as spiritual and political leaders, use powerful narratives to legitimise convictions of a highly specific relationship between motherhood, femininity and women’s social role. History reveals that there have always been advances and retreats in women’s control of their reproductive lives from the Roman Empire to the modern world (Lisle 1996) Ancient female archetypes include the mistress, helpmate, sage, artist, and warrior and virgin, only the last of whom is by definition childless. Judaeo-Christian religious constructions of womanhood as heterosexual, life giving and fecund, emphasise how the pain of childbearing was seen as God’s curse on Eve for her sins. Mary is upheld as a symbol of perfect womanhood as she is passive, obedient and recipient of God’s will (Gillespie 2000). In the Islamic tradition several of Mohammad’s wives had no children.  However voluntary childlessness is strongly disapproved of in the Islamic tradition. Childlessness is considered a disgrace and the wife invariably shoulders the blame and is legitimate cause for a man to divorce her (Culley et al 2007).

In the nineteenth century women in the UK began to control the number of children they bore. Few feminists considered the avoidance of motherhood possible or even desirable so they attempted to elevate it. (Lisle 1996) Social and economic changes brought about demographic changes and in particular women’s lives have been transformed since the Second World War. This gave way to second wave feminism as new opportunities and freedoms gave women more choices. The changing nature of human relationships, diverse family and women’s paid employments means that there are new options other than motherhood. Fertility patterns have changed significantly since the 1960s in most advanced western nation with trends towards later childbearing, smaller families and an increase in childlessness. This has been described as the most remarkable change in social behaviour in the twentieth century (Simpson 2006).

Despite these economic and social changes occurring for women, Gillespie (2000) has argued that the political right in the UK have reinforced the motherhood ideology. Under the Thatcher government traditional family values were promoted and there was a move to reverse what she saw to be the decline of traditional family values.  New Labour continued with this trend. Third way feminism reclaimed ‘girlie’ culture because they say motherhood and femininity had been devalued in the twentieth century. Feminism and pro-natalism have a politically ambivalent relationship. On the one hand feminism encourages separating motherhood from personhood but they also want economic support for mothers. Brown et al (2005) examined how British newspapers frame the issue of a falling national birth-rate as a social problem.  In so far as their cultural claims are successful, procreation becomes a patriotic, religious or eugenic obligation and mother is constructed as the central feature of female identity (Gillespie 2000). Another study by Giles et al (2010) examined some of the prevalent scripts that are available for women in contemporary society.  They conducted a broad analysis of the coverage of this topic in British newspapers over the last two decades and their  conclusion was that this emerging social phenomenon continues to provoke both scepticism and support for voluntary childless women.

The medical profession has also been influential in promoting the pro-natalist attitude as women’s reproductive life has been medicalised, particularly in the area of ART.  As a consequence of this cultural discourse, both involuntary and voluntary childlessness emerge as ‘failed’ femininity and classical psychoanalysis has inadvertently contributed to this situation. Embedded within this scientific discussion about infertility, is also a renewed concern about women’s autonomy and the reproductive price of women’s expanded freedoms. Feminists, critical of the new conceptive technology and certain surrogacy and adoptive arrangements, suggest misguided volition on the part of the infertile women. A failure of will, associated not with causing infertility, but with seeking solutions deemed hazardous to other women. Some feminist writers equate women’s desire for children with their oppression as women as they involve themselves in patriarchal practices. (Sandelowski 1990).  The body, particularly the female one, has come under the control of the male dominated medical and scientific discourse.

Another historical development as highlighted by Woodword and Norton (2006), is how treatment of same-sex couples using infertility therapies has become more acceptable over the years, but remains controversial. In December 2005, two law changes came into force in the UK that impact same-sex couples. Firstly, the Civil Partnership Act 2004 acknowledged legal relationships between same-sex couples; and secondly, the Adoption and Children Act 2002 allowed same-sex couples to adopt.

In contrast with the pro-natalist campaigns, public figures and scientists are increasingly calling for more childlessness, despite the booming demographic collapse of most western countries. Porrit (2009) chairman of Britain’s sustainable development commission, stated that couples who have more than two children, are irresponsible and called for more abortion and contraception to save the environment. Supporters of this group, are often accused of believing they have higher levels of consciousness, demonstrated by unselfish choices.  However ‘Demographic Winter’ a film which explores effect of worldwide decline in birth-rates, paints a disturbing picture of the devastating social, political and economic effect of the continuing global population crisis. The Human Extinction Movement considers zero birth rate as the only way the planet can be saved. All of this is against the backdrop of our increasingly child-centred society, where having children is seen more as life-style choice. The push and the pull of the motherhood debate by the powerful elites will further increase ambivalence for individuals.

Elective childlessness in women

During the last 50 years, in western societies, more women are asserting the same needs, wants and entitlements that men enjoy. A consequence of this phenomenon is that, some women may choose to be childless. The way the media reflects non-elective childlessness is negative, compared to how infertile women are portrayed as worthy of sympathy. Psychotherapists too, are shaped by the current socio-cultural and political bias, and will be dealing with unresolved issues and conflicting attitudes, about the link between femininity and motherhood. I would argue that this is reflected in how little psychoanalytic literature there is on the issue of elective childlessness. Furthermore, from a psychoanalytic perspective, being a mother is a sign of maturity, and assumption of emotional health. However, Parker (1995) and Weldon (1992), and more recent media reports, show clearly that there are many examples of maternal abuse, which shows that motherhood does not always equate with being of a sound mind. This research will challenge the classical psychoanalytic view that electively childless women are suffering from a ‘masculinity complex’. These women can be seen as having agency over their own lives, and are allowing the emergence of a positive feminine identity, separate from motherhood. Indeed, Simone De Beauvoir thought that women would not be free until they were liberated from the onerous duty of conception, gestation and birth (Greer 2003).

There are many accounts written from an American perspective about the experiences of women who either electively or non-electively are not mothers (Ratner 2001, Casey 2007). Most of these women describe how their creative potential has been channelled in many ways. Recently there have been British accounts of individual women who have chosen not to have children but these are rare (Kamalamani 2009, Berresford 2009). There is a profound change in cultural consciousness arising in Western Europe as individuals no longer need children to express their creativity. Children are not viewed as an investment for ones old age but instead as a drain on economic resources.  Ireland’s (1993) research attempted to bridge the gap between psychoanalysis and sociology and demonstrated how object relations can explain the decisions made by the women in her study. Classical psychoanalysis has developed from the Freudian instinct drive to object relations. This latter theory embraces not only intrapsychic, but also interpsychic influences and the effects of the environment; mainly the mother/child dyad. Ireland (1993) argues that Lacanians offer a new view of female identity by shifting the emphasis of the oedipal crisis from a biologically based understanding to one where language structures identity.  Kristeva sees an an individual as a ‘subject in process’ which allows her to subvert partriarchy through the identification with her own female body.

Voluntary childlessness in men

Voluntary childlessness in men is under researched, both from a psychological and sociological perspective. The research that has been carried out, shows that men are less ambivalent than women, in their choice not to have a child (McAllister and Clarke 1998). Their decision is based more clearly on not wanting to make the sacrifices that having a child entails. The lack of research in this area reflects how society continues to place the responsibility for children on to women. The qualitative research carried out in this study, will add to the sparse existing literature on this subject, and will help to identify the psychological reasons why men choose not to have children. I would argue that as women are demanding that their relationships reflect more egalitarian practices in terms of child rearing, men may choose to opt out of parenthood.

Lunneborg’(1999)  undertook 30 interviews with American and British childless men. The interviewees explain the reasons for their choices and explore the impact  this had on their freedom, relationships, job opportunities and finances. The individuals discuss their mixed feelings, their family background and their concern over the world’s ever-growing population. The picture that emerges challenges the stenotype of men who decide against parenthood as immature, selfish and irresponsible. Lunneborg categories the men into; workaholics. life long learners, early retirees, stress reducers and men who don’t want to repeat the mistakes of their parents.

The choices faced by the voluntary childless

Research carried out by Campbell (1999) highlights how a small number of women who have made a choice at an early age not to children, decide to be sterilised.  For such women, the continuing use of contraception becomes meaningless, so sterilisation is a responsible decision. However the women interviewed in this study, report on their experience of rejection by the medical establishment whilst at the same time women who chose to have children were not challenged about their decision. Many recount how their wish to exercise choice over their reproductive life, meant their decision was pathologised by the medical profession, which left them feeling disempowered and more likely to experience an  unwanted pregnancy.It is of course worth reminding ourselves of  the enforced sterilisation of women that can happen when a paternalistic state interferes into the lives of women such as is happening in China as a means of enforcing the ‘one child policy’.

Men too choose sterilisation as a means of securing their childlessness Research by (Magarick, R., Brown R 1981) suggested that childlessness may be a viable, healthy lifestyle, not determined by or associated with personal or social pathology. However a study by Baum (1981) showed that some couples feared the finality of this procedure despite the problems associated with contraception.

Another controversial choice open to women is abortion  Zoja (1997) argues that woman’s decision to abort a child is a means of not only exercising choice over one’s reproductive life but also represents an unconscious choice of achieving self-identity and  psychological maturity. She states that abortion is a difficult and often taboo subject, where guilt and anxiety may haunt the individuals for years.  Whether these women unconsciously ‘desire’ a child, or just a pregnancy or in fact an abortion are issues that Zoja discusses as a means of challenging the taboo of this subject. She describes how Ashanti women in western Africa see it as their duty to abort when a pregnancy occurs under certain circumstances and in the South American Mataco people abortion is seen as a necessary preparation for the birth of a subsequent child.  The relationship between birth control, unwanted pregnancy and abortion is more complex than a simple sequencee of causes and effects. . Lunneborg (1992) too writes on this subject and wants to challenge the view that abortions for all women inevitably leads to physical and emotional scars. She argues against the conservative right in the American church and government and states that abortion can lead to better education, relationships, mental health and careers. However she states that the pro-life campaigns leave many women suffering guilt and shame as a result of their decision. The Catholic church is totally opposed to individuals using any planned contraception, much less interventionist approaches. It opposes the decisions that women may want to make abut heir own fertility and continues to condemn sterilization and abortion. –

A neglected area of research until recently has been about how men react to abortion.  Research (Coyle 2003) indicates that they too suffer intense grief after their partner has an abortion, as well as regret, helplessness, guilt, anxiety, anger, and emasculation. While each man’s experience will be somewhat unique, these themes further our understanding and appreciation of the psychological impact of abortion on men.  Abortion often involves multiple losses including loss of the child, of the relationship, and of hopes for the future. Abortion is a death experience and, once chosen, cannot be undone.

The life path for gay men and women has because of reproductive technology now allowed them to consider parenthood. A study (Berkiowitz, D. and Marsiglio, W., 2007)  of 40 American gay men, half of whom had children revealed that gay men’s procreative consciousness evolves throughout their life course and is profoundly shaped by institutions and ruling relations. Issues of gay marriage and gay parenting continue to evoke controversy in our society. Despite these obstacles, gay men and lesbians have created families through adoption and other artificial means and the definition of the family has changed dramatically over the past few decades to include such family forms. Gay fathers, and gay men who want to be fathers, challenges traditional assumptions about gender, sexualities and families in two principle ways.  Gay men who choose to parent either as couple or alone, must cope with the fact that they will be challenging societal notions regarding the absence of a woman as the primary caregiver. It is likely that gay men who define themselves as gay, have fathered children since ancient times.  Recent academic discourse in Western Europe, specifically the UK maintains that scholars should move beyond asking whether gay and lesbian parenting is possible to a more critical analysis of queer parenting. (Clarke 2006).

However this is not the case in the more religious and politically polarized climate of the US. Many gay men in America still automatically assume that fatherhood is not an option. In fact many men view being gay as equivalent to being childless. Yet some recent studies (Bryant and Demian 1944) have highlighted that many gay-identified men who live in America would like to raise a child and those said they wanted children were younger than those who did not. A recent ‘Cutting Edge’ documentary told the story of two British gay men who had opted for parenthood. (Channel Four 22/7/10)

Dunne (2000) states that in common with gay men, lesbian women are popularly represented and viewed as barren. On the one hand, by virtue of their sexuality, they can escape the social pressure to become parent, whilst at the same time there has been a recent shift in attitude towards parenting among the lesbian population. The apparent contradiction between childlessness as resistance and lesbian motherhood is another growing social phenomenon.

Another option not discussed widely in twenty first century Britain is celibacy as means of ensuring childlessness. Celibacy is technically defined as the state of being unmarried, but the term is also used in connection with refraining from sexual intercourse. Unlike involuntary celibacy that results from ill health or an emotional unwillingness to interact sexually with adults, voluntary celibacy can be a healthy path for some individuals. For thousands of years, individuals have chosen to abstain from sexual interaction for reasons ranging from religious, moral or spiritual.  In 1984 Germaine Greer’s  ‘Sex and Destiny was subject to widespread disapproval and condemnation from some feminists and sections of the media because she appeared to be calling for an approach to sex which bordered on a return to the chastity belt or at the very least self-discipline. The 1995 the UK General Household survey on contraceptive use pointed towards 40 percent of single women (never married and not cohabiting) aged between 16 to 49, stated that  they did not use contraception because they were not having sex. The percentage of women who were widows, divorcees or separated and who said that they were not in a sexual relations was 34 per cent, and there was even a zero sex rating for 1 per cent of married women or women living with a male partner. However this survey does not take into account lesbians or women who were unwillingly celibate.  Campbell goes on to state that Individual women will carry on doing what they have been doing for thousands of years, that is seeking to prevent conception, aborting an unwanted foetus, abandoning or killing an unwanted newborn child.

Response needed from the  therapeutic modalities

A study on voluntary childlessness in Britain recommended that more research needs to be carried out about men as parents and non-parents (McAllister and Clarke 2000). Relatively little is known about childless marriages and partnerships, or men and women who live alone. With an ageing population, and rapidly changing technology, with individuals living longer and a move away from depth psychology, it will be a challenge to combine the knowledge and experience of depth psychology with  Gidden’s notion of the reflexive, fluid self to embrace those who seek psychological support for their childlessness.

Counselling and psychotherapy will need to incorporate concepts of childlessness in their training if they are to move with the times. Growing awareness of these trends and greater understanding of the complexity of these issues both within the white British and British ethnic minority communities should help to reduce the stigmatisation and misunderstanding surrounding this phenomenon. An approach is needed that utilizes the potential that childlessness presents both to society and to the individual. Psychoanalysis echoes our western culture, when it condemns elective childlessness as pathological, and involuntary childlessness as sounding the death knoll on a woman’s flowering of a fully feminine subject. This study will challenge this viewpoint.