Transforming anger: From repressed rage to healthy expression

We all feel anger, whether we like it or not (and, especially if we are British, the latter is more likely to be true). Feeling anger can sometimes feel alarming. We worry what the consequences of our anger might be for others and so (again, particularly if we are British) we swallow it down amidst unnecessary ‘sorry’s' when someone pulls out in front of us or takes the last pack of tomatoes we’d been reaching for in the supermarket. 

Alternatively, our anger might go the other way. Rather than internalising and burying it (or perhaps because we’ve done this for too long in the past) it comes out explosively and sometimes violently. 

Our loved ones stare at us in shock when we express our repressed rage which is totally out of proportion to the situation at hand. There is then a vicious cycle – the guilt that we’ve hurt those around us, a new round of repressed anger followed by an inevitable explosion when again this becomes too much to contain.

How therapy can help with unprocessed anger

People with anger issues might be described as ‘pressure cookers’. There is raw, unprocessed emotion in them, so, when they ‘flip their lid’ this comes out explosively and unfairly to others around them. 

Therapy is important to help understand what is driving this unprocessed anger. What injustices have been done that it felt impossible to defend against in the past? Often as children, we don’t have the tools to understand when something is unfair and when it’s not, especially if the perceived injustice is from a parent or carer dependent on our survival. 

While it was not safe to express our hurt and anger at the time, with therapy, we can ‘right the wrongs’ done to us by processing our emotions in the present. We don’t need to seek revenge or exact justice. By finally allowing ourselves to feel what we couldn’t back then, we let go of a huge amount of this ‘pressure’, giving us more capacity to tolerate others’ mistakes and regulate our emotions when things don’t go our way. We can express anger healthily.

Healthy anger

Healthy anger is not frightening, it’s not controlling and it’s not domineering. We can take a stand as ourselves, expressing our needs in a firm but respectful way. It’s not over-powering, but it is powerful. 

When we express ourselves from a position of self-awareness and strength we are far more likely to get results. Others are more likely to listen to and respect our wishes, as we are expressing ourselves in a way that is clear and rational rather than uncontrolled and frightening.

We are also much more able to reach our goals and maintain focus when we have processed our past anger. Far from forgetting what’s happened to us, we use it as fuel for change, inspiring us to grow and leave our mark on the world, perhaps helping and inspiring others along the way. 

Therapy can help us become ‘survivors’ instead of ‘victims’, channelling past hurt into positive growth, injustice into passion and helplessness into self-mastery. And all with lots of good humour along the way.