Letting go of resentments – moving past the past

Most of us by the time we come to the age we consider seeking therapy, have experienced a fair amount of… challenges from life. We’ve been betrayed, used, ignored, overlooked and treated in ways none of us could ever deserve to be treated. 

In an ideal world, we would be allowed to fight back against these perceived injustices, standing our ground and expressing ourselves as someone who the other person has ‘got all wrong’. 

Unfortunately, as many of us realise, this is either not allowed or not possible at some point in our lives and so what do we do instead of expressing our anger? We swallow it, transforming it from healthy self-protection into unhealthy, bitter resentment. And, as many of us also know, the taste lingers…

How resentment can impact us

When we allow the injustices that have been done to us to take us over, we begin to feel resentful. Resentment is a futile and self-destructive emotion, as it bubbles inside us and has no effect on the person who wronged us in the first place. All we are doing is destroying ourselves. It has been described as ‘like swallowing poison and expecting the other to die’. 

Resentment can also seep into depression. When we turn our anger in on ourselves in the form of resentment, we begin to attack ourselves. ‘I’m worthless’, and ‘I’m no good’, become our internal narrative. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as our low self-esteem leaves us a sitting duck for others to take advantage of us, further fuelling the inner pit of resentment. 

For some people, the volcano erupts from time to time. We all know the ‘nice guy’ who explodes, in a totally out of character way one day. The wreckage leaves those who know him shocked, and he in turn feels guilty, knowing (quite rightly) that his reaction was significantly out of proportion to what the event warranted. 

So what’s the solution? How can we stop turning the wrongs done to us by others in on ourselves?

It’s quite simple really. 

How therapy can help

As small children, we are powerless to fight back. We are forced to comply with (usually) well-meaning authority figures if we are to survive, be fed and receive an education. We have no choice but to set this pattern in place of swallowing our anger and ‘going along to get along’. 

What we need to realise now is that we are not small children anymore. We can make choices for ourselves about what we say, do and how we react. We can choose where we work (to a degree), who we spend time with and what we do with our lives. 

Therapy can help us step into our autonomy and see that we do not need to re-enact the patterns from our childhood. Resentment is a heavy burden for anyone to carry. It saps our life force and feels horrible. The ultimate way to let it go is to see yourself for who you are today and that you no longer need to carry the past.