Latest articles on counselling and therapy

In order to be close to people that we love, it is important to know our limits and be able to skillfully negotiate both our limits, and those of those around us. Boundaries have nothing to do with whether you love someone or not; you can say no (to meeting someone, to lending someone money, to having sex) and still love someone. In fact, your ability to tolerate separateness in your relationships actually enables you to be closer in a healthy way to those around you. There are usually...

I have compiled a list of the common characteristics of people who go on to beat their partners. It is not exhaustive; please do feel free to add your own experiences to your personal list. It is also worth noting that not everyone who displays these characteristics will become abusive. Jealousy Showing signs of early or severe possessiveness and jealousy. Questioning your motives for going out, trying to control what you wear, becoming suspicious of you talking to members of your preferred...

The #Metoo movement, and the courage of survivors speaking out about their abuse around the world, show signs of a growing awareness and acknowledgment of the scale of sexual abuse. Equally strong are the voices of those who seek to deny this reality and blame victims (often, though not always, younger women) for lying, or having in some way caused the abuse.   The arguments are familiar: “but that was years ago - why didn’t she say something at the time?”;...

This is an expression that I use to describe a form of behaviour that is both manipulative and destructive, and if it is easily spotted you can break yourself from the destructive cycle. Hot is the use of intense emotion. This can take many forms; not all of the forms are negative, for example someone can be immensely hot by excessively lavishing another individual with praise, gifts or attention. Another, more destructive form of hot is where the individual will be intensely angry toward...

Is the beautiful game an excuse for domestic abuse? Football is the dominant sport in this country, and there have been studies that show a link between domestic abuse and football due to their shared association with intrinsic forms of sexism and violence. Football involves a mix of emotions and behaviours; even more so as of late when the country was full of hope that England could bring back the most prestigious trophy in football. Watching and being a part of this can, on occasion, make...

The FIFA World Cup tournament can offer fans great excitement and thrills when there can be a coming together around 90 minutes of excitement and intense emotional connections. However, the sporting spectacle can also offer a dark side too. For a number of years organisations have recorded a rise in incidents of domestic violence particularly when the England football team are playing in major tournaments. More recently police forces have reported a higher incidence of calls involving...

One of the hardest things about emotional abuse is that, through a campaign of blame, undermining, criticism and gaslighting, it can cause you to lose trust in yourself. This is true even if you are aware of what is happening. I have met many people who were aware of some (although usually not all) of the tactics their partner was using, but because of the drip, drip effect of emotional abuse (and the isolation that often co-exists with an experience of abuse) it affected them anyway. This...

Guilt could be considered one of the feelings inherited from evolution (like fear, anger and sadness) as it has survival value and can help with healing and repairing relationships. There can be a lack of any true sense of guilt or remorse from individuals high in psychopathy for the harm they may have caused others. Our prime drives are to survive and to affiliate as we come into the world dependent on others in order to survive and to prosper. If we didn’t experience guilt we would not...