Latest articles on counselling and therapy

I don’t think that I have met an abuse survivor that hasn’t, at some point or on some level, held themselves (inappropriately) responsible for the abuse. The rape survivor that hates herself for drinking that night, the domestic abuse survivor that believes that she provoked it, that it is because of her actions that he hit her. Or, someone who stays with a partner who is sometimes cruel and sometimes kind, and who therefore feels that there is something deeply wrong with them for...

One of the most destructive types of personality disorder that science can readily identify has to be narcissistic personality disorder, otherwise referred to as NPD. This personality instils in other individuals not necessarily by choice, but it has been programmed into the individual in their life that being a ‘taker’, and showing a need for absolute power and control over another individual, is the only way to maintain their lifestyle. They have a deadly combination of...

Most people in an abusive relationship at some point ask the question of themselves; “Why on earth did I stay in this relationship, when it was clearly so bad for me?”  Obviously, I cannot answer this question for you, each situation is unique and different and we all respond in our own particular way. However, there are often some commonalities that I have come across with people that have been in an abusive relationship. Note: I am speaking from the perspective of an...

If I were to mention the words ‘domestic abuse’, the first thing that would likely come to mind for you would be violence. Whilst arguably all violence within a relationship may constitute domestic abuse, not all domestically abusive relationships contain violence. Actually, some people are not even aware they are in an abusive relationship immediately, whilst others may never become aware for the duration of the relationship. Recently I was speaking with somebody about...

In order to be close to people that we love, it is important to know our limits and be able to skillfully negotiate both our limits, and those of those around us. Boundaries have nothing to do with whether you love someone or not; you can say no (to meeting someone, to lending someone money, to having sex) and still love someone. In fact, your ability to tolerate separateness in your relationships actually enables you to be closer in a healthy way to those around you. There are usually...

I have compiled a list of the common characteristics of people who go on to beat their partners. It is not exhaustive; please do feel free to add your own experiences to your personal list. It is also worth noting that not everyone who displays these characteristics will become abusive. Jealousy Showing signs of early or severe possessiveness and jealousy. Questioning your motives for going out, trying to control what you wear, becoming suspicious of you talking to members of your preferred...

The #Metoo movement, and the courage of survivors speaking out about their abuse around the world, show signs of a growing awareness and acknowledgment of the scale of sexual abuse. Equally strong are the voices of those who seek to deny this reality and blame victims (often, though not always, younger women) for lying, or having in some way caused the abuse.   The arguments are familiar: “but that was years ago - why didn’t she say something at the time?”;...

This is an expression that I use to describe a form of behaviour that is both manipulative and destructive, and if it is easily spotted you can break yourself from the destructive cycle. Hot is the use of intense emotion. This can take many forms; not all of the forms are negative, for example someone can be immensely hot by excessively lavishing another individual with praise, gifts or attention. Another, more destructive form of hot is where the individual will be intensely angry toward...