Why the relationship with your therapist matters the most

The relationship with your therapist matters more than any tool or technique. In my social media posts, I say, 'What I write here is not a replacement of a therapeutic relationship' usually after I’ve shared some latest post on the ‘5 steps to healing your nervous system…’. Let’s face it: these kinds of statements usually do well for engagement on social media, but they’re not a reflection of how therapy works – there’s no clearly defined one-size-fits-all approach to ‘healing’ your nervous system.

It might be that when you think about therapy, you think about learning coping skills, completing worksheets and homework, practicing breathing exercises,... the list goes on. And sure, these things can be helpful, but they’re not the heart of therapy. I believe – as I’d imagine many other therapists out there would agree – that what truly heals is something much more human. It’s the relationship.

The magic happens when you feel safe enough to say things you’ve never said out loud. It’s being met with warmth instead of judgement. It’s sitting across from someone who isn’t trying to ‘fix’ you but is there to get you.

What does a good therapy relationship look like?

Here are some ways that a good therapy relationship might show up:

1. You finally say the thing you’ve been scared to say, and your therapist doesn’t flinch. No judgement, no shock. Just a calm presence. You realise, ‘Oh…. Maybe I’m not too much after all…’
2. You show up messy, tired, tearful and agitated, and your therapist is still there, fully with you. No pressure to perform or put a smile on your face, just space to be exactly where you are.
3. You laugh. Therapy can be pretty heavy, but sometimes, the most healing moments come from when you’re able to find that lightness. A good relationship holds all of that.
4. You feel challenged – but gently. You’re not being told what to do, you’re being asked the questions that make you pause and think. You know it’s coming from a place of care, not criticism.
5. You feel like you matter. Not just because you are paying for the privilege of being there but because your therapist remembers the little things like your dog's name and the fact you love Taylor Swift. They check in on how the interview went or how the scary family dinner was.

The relationship is the work.

The relationship you build with your therapist can start to rewrite some old scripts or ways of thinking. For example, if you grew up feeling like your feelings didn’t matter, the therapy relationship can show you what it’s like to be validated and heard. Perhaps you are used to people only wanting the ‘held together’ best version of you – therapy gives you a place to be real, messy, with tears and all.

Imagine you’ve spent your life putting everyone else’s needs first; the therapy room becomes your space. Your time to talk about anything you want to talk about. Your needs at the centre.

So often, our pain is rooted in relationships where we weren’t safe, seen or supported. So, it makes sense that healing, then, has to happen in relationships.

There is no one-size-fits-all

Sitting in the counselling room with me looks a little more raw, honest and messy than me handing over a checklist of things to try when you next feel you are spiralling out of control. It’s not a perfectly polished, planned conversation. It’s turning up as myself for every conversation (tea-stained jumper and all) and tuning into what you bring into that room that day. We might swear, laugh, and not always have an 'a-ha' moment every time we meet.

But that won’t be for everyone. And that’s OK. We aren’t all going to be a perfect fit for every therapist we meet. What’s pretty magical is that no two therapeutic relationships are the same. Some people click with their therapist instantly. Others take time to build that trust. And that’s OK, too.

If you are in therapy and you don’t feel safe, seen, or understood, it’s not for you. It might just not be the right fit. A good therapist won’t take that personally. They’ll probably help you find someone who is a better fit because the relationship matters that much.

Therapy isn’t always about learning new skills

You could be someone who’s been trying to ‘fix’ themselves with podcasts, self-help books and morning routines and still feel stuck. I’m not saying any of that is wrong – I love a good moment of learning and reflection – but if you feel stuck, it might be because you don’t need more information. You need connection.

It isn’t always about learning new skills, it could be that sometimes it’s about unlearning the belief that you have to handle everything on your own.

A good therapy relationship is where you can start to remember who you are underneath the coping tools – and that’s not something you can get from a checklist. But you can find it in a relationship – with the right therapist.