Help, I can't put my phone down

Whom amongst us does this modern-day phenomenon not happen to? When I am not being mindful, I too can easily end up spending too many hours on my phone. I wonder if by now it matters less who you are; it may be more helpful to think of it as a person is susceptible to increased use and difficulty putting the phone down when they are generally looking to distract themselves.

Although reaching for our phones because one is feeling anxiety, stress or overwhelm now and again can be fairly harmless, issues, however, can arise when doing so habitually and on autopilot. This can lead to avoidance and a lack of coping skills for dealing with relationship issues and feelings, for example. Often, for many, problematic and increased phone use isn’t noticed until something else brings this to their attention, such as tiredness after too many hours scrolling the previous night.

Warning signs

A common warning sign of excessive phone use I hear of and have experienced myself is becoming anxious if I haven’t seen or held my phone for certain periods of time, sometimes even minutes. Another is giving more attention to or being distracted by our phones, and a decreasing ability to be present and give our attention when with someone else, even if the latter is our intention.

Phones and devices have firmly become a staple of our everyday lives, our need and reliance on them for so much can mask when helpful use has turned into problematic use. Over-reliance or addictive type behaviours can develop unintentionally. As such, for many people seeking help in this area, counselling and therapy can help clients become aware of the current situations, environmental factors or underlying issues that may be giving rise to these behaviours. Working on this can provide relief and enable a change in the unwanted behaviours.

The impact of phone use on daily life

Common examples of excessive phone use, as mentioned earlier, include disruptive or delayed switching off to sleep, leading to feeling tired the following day, with difficulty focusing or regulating appetite.

Another is comparing your life with other people’s lives as shown on social media. Although most people know that social media is curated to show the best reels of people’s lives, it doesn’t stop parts of the brain from taking in what it sees as reality and creating unrealistic expectations and standards in your real life of relationships, work and the everyday.

Another common problem that can result is loneliness or feeling socially unskilled or disconnected, as one relates more and more in the digital realm and less and less in real interactions.

Should I ban myself?

Firstly, generally speaking, imposing a self-ban rarely works and can lead to further frustrations and behaviour that feels outside one’s control.

Instead, what counselling and therapy can help with is utilising approaches to change behaviours and habits, and to develop other ways of coping. For clients who suspect deeper issues at play, therapy can go in-depth to uncover hidden motives that are driving the behaviour to enable understanding alongside changing behaviours. By working together in therapy, we can use Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) alongside other approaches, tailoring the support to the client's individual needs and aims.

Secondly, in an age where phones are such an essential part of our lives, attempting to ban yourself from phone use may bring more practical problems than it addresses.

Constructive and healthy ways to live with our phones

Counselling can help with finding ways to have a rich and confident online and digital life, using your phone, other devices and social media in ways that support you and your life.

It can also help you recognise and work towards having a richer and fuller life offline, too. It can do so by addressing the feelings that cause one to reach for their phone and raise self-awareness around the frequency of use. It can help you learn ways to switch off, be better aware and balanced both online and offline. Counselling can help with identifying issues and provide turning points for change, so that one can feel more present and constructive about their phone, devices and social media use.