Breaking the cycle of overwhelm for new parents
I talk to lots of parents, and mostly those parents are adjusting to life with a new baby. For some, this is their first baby and for others, they are welcoming a sibling, or even experiencing the raw pain of parenting after loss.
Each situation will be different, but each will share two things… firstly they all have a story to tell, a story that is rich with emotion and experience. And secondly, at some point in our conversation, the parent typically refers to the change in demands that parenting brings.
Often, all the best-made plans to ‘let the baby fit into our life’ are distant memories and the parents are navigating a path of adaption and change, all within the framework of this new connection. For some parents, however, feelings of overwhelm feel particularly hard and start to impact their well-being.
Am I in this pattern?
When things feel trickier, we can sometimes be in a cycle of behaviour which keeps it feeling hard. A cycle that I often hear, especially from new parents, is:
1. I keep doing more to get everything done.
(Disclaimer – usually ‘everything’ is impossible because they have just had a baby and are trying to complete the tasks that they could do beforehand PLUS parenting full time and often experiencing reduced sleep).
2. I have kept going, but I can’t physically do any more.
This usually leads to a period in which they feel so exhausted that all tasks feel very challenging and often impossible to complete.
3. I am not good enough and have let everyone down.
During this period of exhaustion, jobs don’t get done. This can lead to feelings of guilt, self-doubt and a low mood.
(Disclaimer – Often this evaluation greatly differs from the compassion that would be shown towards a friend who had just had a baby and was not able to do as much, it can feel much harder to show yourself the same compassion)
4. To feel better, I should do more…
And the pattern starts again…
This pattern can go round and around, each time leaving the new parent feeling more exhausted and experiencing more negative thoughts about themselves. This can have a lasting effect on their mood. Instead of these extremes of ‘trying to do everything’ and the experience of ‘complete exhaustion’, it can be much more helpful to try and maintain a position in the middle.
It may feel counter-intuitive but by creating space for yourself each day to rest, adapt, find joy in activities and adjust to your newfound parenthood, you may support your well-being and also find that you can maintain the tasks that you would like to do, without the extreme dips in which you feel exhausted.
If you have read this cycle and thought, this is me, then there are things that you can do.
- Create a space for yourself each day to do something you enjoy, something that leaves you feeling good. This will differ for everyone but for some people, it may be getting out for a walk, for others it may be sitting down with your favourite TV programme and a cup of tea. Whatever relaxes you, make sure that it is prioritised in your day. You don’t need to ‘earn it’!
- At times you haven’t been able to do as much, notice the thoughts that you are having about yourself. Ask yourself, ‘Am I being compassionate?’ It can sometimes be helpful to consider what advice you would give to your friend if they were in a similar situation.
- Spend time actively noticing ALL the small achievements that you have made during the day. They deserve to be celebrated.
Having a greater awareness of the patterns we find ourselves in can help us to make small changes which stop the cycle from continuing. For some people, the changes above may help. But if you find that feelings of overwhelm are impacting your well-being then it may be helpful to explore this with a mental health professional who will be able to support you.