Why do I feel sad after having a baby?

Having a baby is a huge transition and times of change can bring a range of emotions. Emotions such as joy and contentment are widely discussed within society. However, more typically, new parents experience a huge array of emotions, some more positive and others feeling much trickier; often all within the space of one afternoon. This is not only common but to be expected, when we consider the enormity of the experience.

For many new parents, the trickier emotions can become more all-consuming, with one in five new mothers perinatal mental health difficulties. In addition, many fathers struggle too and often aren’t sure how to name these difficulties, which have traditionally been discussed in relation to the mother’s experience. The Mental Health Foundation (2018) reported that over 39% of new fathers would have wanted support for their mental health. Supporting your mental well-being is hugely important as you navigate the perinatal period, whether through self-care, such as the tips below, or by discussing any concerns with your professional teams.

5 top tips for supporting your mental health after having a baby

1. Think about what used to help

Throughout our lives, we all find ways of coping with difficulty. Different people find different things helpful, whether connecting with loved ones, hitting the gym, distracting yourself at work or relaxing with a big box of chocolates. When our coping strategies work, we don’t often think about them – why would we? However, at times of change, they become more important as we are likely to need them more.

The difficulty with the perinatal period is that those coping strategies that previously worked may not work as well or be as accessible anymore. For example, it may not be as easy to pop out to the gym or you may miss the distraction and social connection of working, whilst on maternity leave. It may be equally hard to make a space for you to relax – after all, parenting a newborn is hard. Therefore, people can be left with this huge task to tackle and no (or not as useful) ways to manage difficult emotions – it’s no wonder it is hard!

What can I do? 

Think of what you used to do when you felt sad, stressed or worried. You can use this information to adapt your coping strategy to fit your current situation. For example, you may not be able to socialise at work but a baby group could help. You may not be able to get to the gym as often but perhaps you could go for a walk daily. If it is still a struggle, perinatal psychology sessions can help explore coping strategies and teach you a few new ones.

2. Consider how you want to use social media

Social media has become a huge forum for supporting parents as they navigate the millions of questions that pop into their heads. It can also offer a community of other parents awake at 3 am trying desperately not to fall asleep. However, social media provides a window into ‘the best bits’ of other parenting, a place of comparison and endless streams of information – often which is conflicting. This comparison can leave us feeling anxious and low.

In addition, we all have our own relationships with social media, some people may enjoy sharing lots of snippets from their lives and therefore sharing their parenting journey may feel like a natural progression. However, others feel differently, and this can bring a mix of emotions, especially if these thoughts differ from family and friends. It can be helpful to spend time thinking about your beliefs and boundaries with social media use and to share these with those around you.

What can I do?

There is no right or wrong, however, some helpful questions to reflect on may be:

• Does social media ever leave me feeling worse?
• Do I ever doubt my own parenting after using social media?
• Does social media leave me feeling like ‘I should do more’?
• Do I ever feel guilty for sharing pictures of my family, or not sharing pictures of my family?
• Do I ever feel angry about someone else’s social media use concerning my child?

Reflections such as these, and discussions with those around you, can help you to be aware of the parts of social media that are helpful for you and those which are less helpful.

3. Prepare to think about your own experiences of being parented

The one thing that all new parents have in common is that they will also have a childhood experience of what being parented looks like, although those experiences will differ greatly. Becoming a new parent often leads to reflections on our childhood experiences, and our relationships with those around us and we may start to consider our parent's decisions through fresh eyes. This typically forms part of our framework of the type of parent we would like to be, considering the parts we would like to hold onto and the differences we would like to make with our children. This reflection can lead to a mixture of emotions and may bring up things you haven’t considered for some time.

What can I do?

You may find that you start to experience thoughts about your own experiences of being parented – if these occur, be compassionate to yourself. These thoughts could lead to complex emotions, even if lots of time has passed. You may want to set aside some time to reflect on your own experiences and think about the values you would like to bring to your own parenting journey. However, if you find that these thoughts are occurring more frequently, or causing you distress, then you may want to explore these experiences with a perinatal psychologist.

4. Embrace all the emotions

New parents have often experienced a lengthy pregnancy, a birth, physical recovery, change in their day-to-day activities, caring demands throughout the day and life, pain, exhaustion, financial changes, changes in relationships and juggling other activities (plus all the rest). They do this whilst trying to be the best parents they can be and often feel guilty if they don’t feel happy and joyous all the time.

I can’t think of another life experience in which we wouldn’t expect someone to experience a range of emotions. For example, we all know that starting a new job can be both a great experience, whilst also be daunting, tiring and make us long for the certainty of the previous role. Equally, when we move house, we expect that we will be in love with our new home, whilst also being stressed and exhausted by the process, daunted by the amount of work and concerned that we have pushed ourselves too far financially. Although these may feel like odd comparisons, they highlight the mixed emotions that we experience at important life stages. However, often new parents experience feelings of guilt, anxiety or sadness if they feel a mix of emotions, and this can lead to feeling even worse.

What can I do? 

Notice how you feel across the day – are there a mix of emotions or does one emotion feel more enduring?

If you are feeling a mix of emotions, be kind to yourself during the trickier ones. You may find that you want to sit with the thoughts for a little while whilst you process your experience, or you may find that you want to do something that helps you to feel better. There is no right or wrong.

However, if you notice that you are experiencing more difficult emotions which are not fleeting or that you are experiencing negative thoughts when you experience an emotion, e.g. 'I shouldn’t be feeling like this', then you may want to explore this with a perinatal psychologist.

5. Self-compassion is key

New parents are often wonderful at being kind and compassionate towards their baby's needs, and often their partner’s needs too, but find it much harder to be compassionate towards their own needs. Demands on new parents increase massively and yet, they often wonder if they are doing enough, wonder why they can’t manage to maintain the things they did before and assume that everyone also is managing what they can’t.

However, it is so important to consider what has been achieved in the day, they may be different achievements from before the birth but they are achievements nonetheless. You may have heard the oxygen mask analogy – it is important to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others – and never is it truer than in the perinatal period.

What can I do?

Wonder how others would describe your parenting? What would your best friend say? Or how would you talk to yourself if you were talking to your best friend?

Make time each day to rest, recuperate and adjust.

Notice how you feel after these periods of rest. If you feel (a little more) rested, that is brilliant. If you feel anxious, sad or guilty then this may become a barrier to you looking after yourself. You may find it helpful to explore this with a perinatal psychologist.