Why do I feel anxious all the time? A guide to feeling calmer

Feeling anxious is a common experience. We face many stressors daily. If stress around work fails to induce anxiety, home/family life will do it, or financial stress, illnesses, relationships etc. Plus, the urgency of notifications from our phones, with their incessant pinging and vibrating often leaves us feeling like we have been shoved in a washing machine set to ‘quick spin’.

Whether looming indistinctly in the background, or front and centre in our minds, everything feels like it needs to be attended to now, or yesterday. The to-do pile seemingly doubles every day. So how, when you are constantly chasing your tail, are you going to feel anything other than overwhelmed? 

Understanding the problem 

Sometimes seeking to get to grips with our experience or problem can be helpful. How about trying one of the following options?

Option 1. Investigate

Can you pinpoint your specific experience of feeling anxious? Is it possible to notice what you are thinking, feeling, and doing, when you’re in this anxious state? Is anything triggering it? Is chaos all you have ever known, are you unconsciously creating this familiar feeling or pattern for yourself?

Option 2. Reality check

Ok, so it feels like you are behind, and maybe you are. But is it possible to take a moment to write down what you need to do? This might feel scary, thoughts like “I don’t have time to do that”, “there won’t be enough space on the page,” or other doubts might be concocted by your brain and defensively thrown your way. But sometimes, as simple as it sounds, writing things down can move the clutter, at least from taking up space in your mind, to an external space, to objectively start looking at what is there. In the same way, taking time to tidy a cupboard full of spices can help you to figure out what is past its expiry date and can be thrown out, so the cupboard can start to look a bit tidier and more manageable. 
 
Understanding the problem is not always possible, we may feel off-kilter but not know why. Our minds hold so many busy thoughts, that it feels like they could burst, and our bodies equally feel wired and/or exhausted. It might feel like a sense of stability was robbed from us like a thief in the night, or perhaps it never existed, to begin with. Replaced with an experience of things constantly moving, constantly building, constantly speeding up.  Our response to this? To speed up too, do more, to 'get on top of it' all. But strangely this approach never seems to work, and the feeling of anxiety remains.
 
So, at this point, what is the other, most counterintuitive option available? Stop. 

Pause

“Stopping?!” you might ask. “How does that make sense?! I’m already behind! Stopping is the worst possible thing I could do!” But you are not running a sprint or even a long-distance race. You are running a much longer one. I hate to break it to you, but you are not superhuman. You need to rest, to keep going. In the same way that it is essential that we eat to give us energy, we must sleep and rest. This requires stopping from time to time to recharge. Marathon runners take water breaks. Even machines, such as phones need to be recharged. So why do we create fantastical excuses to convince ourselves that it is different for us? The alternative? Burnout. Now that takes a lot more time and energy to recover from.
 
It might feel a bit more palatable if I suggested stopping briefly and pausing.

How was that? You might continue with deep breaths or try the next step. It is up to you.
 
Breathe in, and once it feels like no more air can be taken in, hold your breath for a few seconds, and then very slowly exhale, through pursed lips, as if you are gently blowing out a candle, or trying to create bubbles through a straw in a milkshake.

Try that a few more times. Notice how you feel.

If you struggled, or could not do that exercise at all, it is OK. Perhaps it will take more practice, or it is not for you. For some people calming down our nervous system can look like the above, for others different strategies can be more effective. You could contact a therapist to help you identify what might be most useful for you.

While breathing exercises can be helpful, it is also important to consider more broadly our approach to rest, and the relationship between this and our anxiety.

Rest 

Identifying what type of rest we need is a crucial step. This might sound silly, as often we define rest as doing nothing or sleeping, but these are not the only forms of rest that exist. There are multiple types of rest: physical, mental, sensory, emotional, social, creative and spiritual. 
 
Let’s explore these. Physical and mental rest are often the most obvious ones we attend to by sleeping or doing an activity that we do not need to engage our body or minds in ('switching off,' we often call it). Emotional rest, in contrast, might seem confusing in its wording, it means expressing and processing emotions in a healthy way (this is something a therapist can help you with).

Sensory rest is any rest that allows your senses to take a break, which might include enjoying silence, screen breaks or even closing your eyes or sitting in a darkened room for a while. Again, creative rest does not mean a break from creativity, but the opposite. When was the last time you allowed yourself to sing in the shower, spend some time drawing, going to a gig, or dancing to a song you enjoy? Social rest can be spending time alone limiting the time you spend with people who drain your energy, or, upping the time you spend with people who make you feel joyous.

This can be a very individual experience, some people feel energised after spending time socialising, and others feel drained by this. Finally, spiritual rest is about engaging in activities that connect you to purpose and meaning, or something greater than yourself, such as God (if you are religious). This could include volunteering in your community, attending a place of worship, prayer or meditation.
 
As you consider the different types of rest, are there certain types that you do regularly and others that have been neglected? Or is there a deficit in all areas? 

Whilst it might be impossible to control stressors coming in and out of our lives, we can prioritise rest to help ourselves feel calmer and cope better. Hopefully, some of the exercises in this article have helped, or at least sparked awareness around anxiety and rest, and can be returned to or practised over time. Rest is not an option; it is a necessity if we want to function optimally over a long period of time. Give yourself permission to rest. Consider setting aside some time to engage in the types of rest you are instinctively drawn to, and notice the impact this has on you.