Why do I always feel like I'm to blame?

It's normal to feel guilty, apologetic, and in the wrong at times. There are occasions where feeling like this is useful as it allows us to start taking accountability for our actions when we have made a mistake.

But this shouldn't be your default setting, and if it is, it might be time to address what could be going on under the surface.

Insecure attachments

Our attachment types are based largely on our experiences in childhood. In an ideal world, these attachments are secure, stable and safe, which allow us to grow up into adults who are able to trust ourselves and others leading to healthy relationships etc.

However, this isn't always the case. If you are one of the many who didn't always have the most secure upbringing, be it lacking emotional support, financial stability, safety, or otherwise. You may find yourself automatically taking the blame for situations that are not your fault, or even within your control.

This could be for a number of reasons, and, it is important to keep in mind that knowing something and making meaningful change are very different things, so try to be gentle with yourself if anything here resonates with you.

Repeated and internalised messages

It might seem innocent at the time, but slowly children start to internalise messages from the outside world; parents, grandparents and teachers can all have a huge impact on a young mind. This could be hearing a sibling get praised constantly whilst you were met with sighs and "Never minds", or "Why can't you just be more like...", "If you just tried harder then...", or "Why do you have to be so difficult!"

Even the most well-meaning adults can contribute to a child's sense of not being good enough, and over time these ideas can become part of how a person views themselves in relation to the world.
 
Of course, some messaging is not so benign and can be explicitly cruel. Children who are repeatedly blamed for things outside their control may also internalise the idea that they are less than and wrong in various ways, such as being punished for bedwetting, fidgeting, struggling with schoolwork, without underlying causes being examined or explored (for example, anxiety, ADHD or dyslexia). 

Emotional, physical and sexual abuse will also contribute to a poor sense of worth in a person although this is outside of the remit of this article. If you have experienced any of this, please, remember that you are not alone and there is support available when you are ready.

Self-blame as control

In some cases, self-blame can function as a defence mechanism. If you grew up in a situation that felt very out of control, unpredictable or scary, you may find yourself with a sensitivity to, or struggling to tolerate these environments in adulthood.

Children who have unpredictable and scary parents might blame themselves as a means of protecting the adults in their lives, after all, "If only I can be good then mummy won't be so sad or angry", right? This way a child can create the illusion of control over their situation and the parent can remain a safe enough harbour, which is important because young children need their parents to survive. If the parents aren't ok then that would be unbearable, so the young mind finds a way to cope with this dichotomy. Unfortunately, this can be at the expense of themselves.

To simplify this idea, "If it's my fault then I can fix it". Sounds great in principle, except, not everything is ours to own or fix. Often, these are deeply embedded ways of being in the world and take considerable time and patience to start unpicking.

If this sounds like something that you are struggling with and you want to start changing these patterns, get in touch with a professional to discuss where to start.