Exploring boundaries and self-worth

There has been increasing interest in thinking about our boundaries and whether we have any or not. Many people think that boundaries allow us to confidently say "no", and that would be true, but there is often more to this than we are consciously aware of in our day-to-day lives.

We need boundaries to protect ourselves from other people’s emotions, problems, and worries; otherwise, we can feel weighed down by them, as if they are our problem to deal with.

How boundaries depend on our self-worth

To be able to set boundaries, we need to value ourselves as autonomous individuals, and our self-worth can reflect this.

Self-worth defines how well we treat ourselves. Generally speaking, we treat ourselves in the manner that we were treated as children. For example, if we were emotionally neglected as children, we might gradually learn to neglect our own emotions and feelings as adults. This can, for example, result in avoiding angry feelings when someone is being too demanding or unfair towards us. Instead of using anger to assert ourselves and set boundaries, we give the demanding or unfair person the power to have their needs met, rather than our own.

If we are not recognised and respected as autonomous individuals when we are children, it can be harder to see that in ourselves as we grow up.

The role of childhood experiences

I often hear people say that they view others' needs as a priority over their own, and that thinking otherwise would be selfish.

Their childhood experiences often reflect this concept. For example, being taught that to be a good person, you need to put others before yourself. There is often so much guilt attached to the idea that you are a bad person if you consider your needs as important. A parent or caregiver who does not have boundaries and expects you to meet their needs will have modelled this behaviour, and despite feeling frustrated or angry, you meet their needs for them.

You are not left with a choice because you might want to please your parent or caregiver.  You want them to see you as a good child. You want to get it right with them, but you never quite get there, and it is never enough. These dynamics create a pattern of pleasing others rather than yourself, and can prevent you from recognising your own worth.

Why putting your needs first can seem difficult

With a low sense of self-worth, we often don’t feel entitled to put our needs at the top of the list of priorities.

Some people are fearful that their friends and family will turn against them and see them as bad, unhelpful, or selfish. Those who may react this way are people who do not like boundaries because they signal that their needs are not being put first. Whilst others start to see that you are valuing yourself and begin to value you, too.

Boundaries are letting other people know that you value your privacy, your peace, your time, and yourself. Contrary to many others' beliefs, boundaries play a large role in developing close relationships rather than tearing them apart. This is because setting boundaries involves being clear and honest about where you stand, and then people will know where they stand in relation to you. This is trust.

Starting to set healthier boundaries

It can be difficult to begin setting boundaries if we do not value ourselves enough and our self-worth is low. Slow, simple steps make building boundaries achievable. When someone asks you to do something for them, pause and take a breath. This action alone can stop you from automatically saying "yes". 

When someone is projecting their feelings or problems onto you, remind yourself that their feelings and problems belong to them, and it is not your responsibility to carry their feelings for them or to solve their problems. If you see chaos in your orbit or people who are struggling with their problems, remind yourself that it is not your problem to fix.

See how it feels to not involve yourself. I suggest this because we often do what we think is expected of us without being asked, and yet we feel resentful for doing it and for having our own internal sense of peace interrupted.

How psychotherapy can help in developing self-worth and boundaries

Often, talking about issues at work with managers and colleagues, or relationship difficulties within the family or with friends, can help us identify where there might be boundary problems.

For example, a manager at work might be piling more work on you than you can comfortably manage, or someone at work is being difficult with you. You try hard to please, but it is not recognised, you feel anxious, and you might even dread going into work in the morning. 

Psychotherapy can help by exploring early childhood dynamics and what drove you to learn that the only way to cope was to try to keep family members happy, exploring how this felt for you and how it plays out in your life now. Your therapist can help you see why this way of coping does not work for you in the long term. By gaining insight into these unhelpful family dynamics and how they might have led you to feel anxious and powerless at work, you can be supported in practising setting boundaries with others and in feeling empowered, knowing that you deserve to speak up for yourself.

Feeling as though you have no control over your own life because you put everyone else’s needs first is a common problem. Such as choosing to fix other people’s problems for them, even when they have not asked you to, because you might have been in this position growing up, and it has become your default in the world.

Or others come to you with everything because you listen, even though you may feel tired after a long day or have other things you would prefer to be doing, and your resentment builds. Setting boundaries might make you feel as if you are not being a good person, so you hold on to your resentment and forego your time.

Being in talking therapy can help you explore why you feel your needs are less valuable than others' and where this belief began. When you realise the possible sources of these beliefs, you can then start to develop your self-worth by setting small boundaries.

One example of a small but powerful boundary is when someone asks you to do something for them; you could pause to think before you say yes. Then you could say, "I can’t today, I’m busy, but I can help you at the weekend". There are many ways of protecting your time and space that you could explore with your therapist.

As you start setting boundaries, you might notice you begin to value yourself more. As you do, it becomes easier to set more boundaries, and your self-worth grows.

Psychotherapy can help disentangle family and childhood dynamics to see where a lack of boundaries shows itself, and you can then begin to build boundaries, be your own master, knowing that you deserve to attend to your needs first, where once you were overlooked.