Why am I so anxious?

Anxiety can feel like a constant companion, always lurking in the background. When we can manage it well, it keeps us alert and focused. But when it becomes overwhelming, anxiety can prevent us from living our lives fully. It can manifest physically through symptoms like panic attacks or an increased heart rate, and cognitively through overthinking, over-planning, and catastrophising.

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The modern world exposes us to many anxiety-provoking events. Paradoxically, our enhanced connectivity means we constantly witness social comparisons and the suffering of others, often feeling powerless to help. This results in an unexpelled physiological stress response, creating havoc since our natural fight-or-flight instinct can’t be fully relied upon (NIMH, 2021).

Understanding the causes of anxiety isn’t always straightforward, especially in our busy lives filled with distractions that numb or dismiss what we are truly feeling. I invite you to stay with whatever you’re feeling while you read this and consider the possible reasons you may be experiencing anxiety below. If any of them resonate, sit with the feelings, journal them, or bring them to your next therapy session.


Internal conflict

There may be a misalignment between your values and your actions. Maybe you’ve been putting off something important, like checking in on a friend you haven’t seen for a while. Your anxiety may just be saying, “Hey, there’s this important thing we need to do.” Let’s try to see anxiety as a reminder, something to keep us accountable rather than something to be scared of.

Tip: If you’ve put off something for a long time, it may feel overwhelming, and you may feel like giving up. To make it seem more manageable, break the task into smaller tasks or use the Pomodoro technique – alternate between setting a 25-minute timer to do the task, followed by five-minute breaks, and repeat. (Feel free to adjust the times to what works best for you.)

If the thing you’ve been putting off has a social impact, being transparent and acknowledging your absence can remove the elephant in the room. Saying, “Hey, I acknowledge I haven’t done this thing, but I want to do it now,” communicates your values.

Past environment

Growing up in a household where you always had to be on guard can have long-lasting effects on your nervous system, conditioning your body to remain in a constant state of fight-or-flight. This means even in safe situations, your body might still react as if it’s in danger, leading to chronic anxiety and hypervigilance.

Traumatic memories are often stored in the body’s sensory and emotional systems, resulting in physical symptoms like muscle tension, headaches, and gastrointestinal issues. Creating a sense of safety and stability with your therapist is essential for those whose past environments were chaotic or abusive.

Tip: If you recognise that your anxiety might be rooted in past trauma, seek a therapist trained in somatic approaches. Journaling about your experiences, practising deep breathing exercises, and gradually exposing yourself to calming environments can also support this process.

By understanding how your past environment has shaped your current responses, you can begin to break the cycle of chronic anxiety. Healing is a gradual process, but with the right support, you can teach your body to feel safe again.

Current environment

You’re in a relationship or work environment where you have to be hyper-vigilant. I know it’s not always simple or even safe to walk away from a job or a relationship – especially one that is abusive. When others tell you to ‘just leave,’ it can add shame because it ignores the complexities, like safety and financial vulnerability. Navigating these situations requires careful planning and support.

It’s important to recognise that your feelings of anxiety are valid responses to your environment. Developing coping strategies can help you manage your anxiety while you work towards a safer and healthier situation.

Tip: Find a support network of friends, family, or support groups who understand your situation. Work with a therapist to develop a safety plan that ensures your well-being. Practice self-care by engaging in activities that help you relax and recharge. Seeking professional help can offer guidance and support tailored to your needs, helping you create a plan to navigate your current environment and move towards a healthier, safer future.

External validation

We all need to be acknowledged for who we are and what we do; it is a human need. But when your self-esteem is dependent on external validation, this can lead you to overly rely on others to make you feel OK about yourself. Perhaps you feel anxious when you don’t have someone to reassure or validate you. Maybe this looks like not getting a quick enough response from a friend or enough likes on an Instagram post. Professionally, you may constantly feel like an imposter who is unqualified until your manager gives you positive feedback.

Tip: Figuring out where this comes from is the first step. Maybe your parents only praised you under certain conditions? Maybe you have adopted a role or standard that others have named for you. Also, consider the social intersection: are there people you feel less anxious around? Why is that? What do they do differently? Do they make it clear how they feel about you verbally or non-verbally in a way you’ve been able to internalise? (Harter, 1999).

Perfectionism

Although it is human to make mistakes, you may feel like making a mistake means you are unworthy, and so you use all of your energy and resources to try to prevent making any mistakes. You may be holding yourself to an unrealistic standard and equating perfectionism with being worthy. Explore the feelings and memories around making a mistake. What would happen as a child when you did something wrong? What would/does happen now?

Tip: Try this thought experiment: when was the last time you remember someone who made a mistake? Can you remember what they were wearing? Their name? If you found it difficult to think of an example, consider how others may pay little attention to your mistakes. If you could think of a clear example, be curious about your feelings and judgments toward this person and whether this memory is important to you. Will future you care about this? (Flett & Hewitt, 2002).

Wanting control

Naturally, we feel reassured and confident when we have control over something. Anxiety enters when we overestimate how much we can control in life. The desire for control often stems from a fear of uncertainty, and to lessen this fear, you develop a belief that by managing and controlling every detail, you can control an outcome. This gives you a sense of responsibility that is heavy as you try to control and plan for every eventuality.

When we attempt to control the uncontrollable, we exhaust our emotional resources, leading to increased anxiety and a sense of helplessness, shame, and despondency when things don’t go as planned (Barlow, 2002).

Tip: The work here is to learn how to accept the unpredictability of life and also trust that you will be able to deal with the unexpected. Seeing how you cope with unexpected events can help you feel more confident about your inner resources and ability to deal with difficult things (Wells, 1997).

Mindfulness and acceptance-based therapies, such as acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), can be particularly effective in addressing issues related to control by helping you focus on what you can control – your actions and reactions – rather than external events (Hayes et al., 2006).

Change, stress, and burnout

You’re stressed, burned out, or going through a major life change. It is easy to normalise and glamorise ‘hustle culture’ and white-knuckling through big life changes. Even positive changes like a promotion or moving into a house you love, are still new things with new and unique stressors that you have to manage. You may even have to reorganise your self-perception as you adapt to a new role, place, or relationship, where inevitably you will start to learn new things about yourself in this new context. This is a lot of mental work, and it takes time for you to adapt to these changes, whether positive or not (Maslach & Leiter, 2016).

Body awareness

You are getting in touch with your body – therapy is working! It may feel alien and uncomfortable when you start to get back in touch with your body and you feel anxious about this new relationship with your body. We can become detached from our bodies for a variety of reasons: trauma, physical and mental illness, and dissociation. But this newness may indicate that it’s starting to feel safer to feel what you feel and know what you know. Dissociation is becoming less common, and you’re entering the first step of being able to cope and accept your emotions without them hijacking you (van der Kolk, 2014).

Misattributing physical symptoms

You may be seeing physical sensations that have an organic route as psychologically rooted. This is easy to do because the mind and body are so interconnected, and physical symptoms can be exacerbated by stress and strong emotions. For example, you may develop a new symptom like fatigue. The appearance of this can make you anxious as you try to work out what this means. If you have a history of mental illness, it can be easy to fear this may be the start of a depressive episode. While this could be the cause, sometimes there can just be organic causes like vitamin deficiencies, food intolerances, or an illness. While it’s good to be in tune with your body, sometimes we can misinterpret it (Sapolsky, 2004).


Navigating anxiety is a journey that requires patience, self-awareness, and support. Understanding the root causes of your anxiety can be empowering and transformative. Whether it stems from internal conflicts, past or current environments, the need for external validation, perfectionism, the desire for control, or the stress of change and burnout, each aspect of anxiety offers insight into your inner world.

If any of these insights resonate with you, consider taking the next step towards healing. Journaling, self-reflection, and professional therapy can provide valuable tools and support. You don’t have to navigate this journey alone. You are not your anxiety, but your anxiety is a part of you that wants and needs to be heard with compassion, love, and understanding.


References

  • Barlow, D. H. (2002). Anxiety and its disorders: The nature and treatment of anxiety and panic (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
  • Clark, D. A., & Beck, A. T. (2010). Cognitive therapy of anxiety disorders: Science and practice. Guilford Press.
  • Flett, G. L., & Hewitt, P. L. (2002). Perfectionism: Theory, research, and treatment. American Psychological Association.
  • Harter, S. (1999). The construction of the self: A developmental perspective. Guilford Press.
  • Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2006). Acceptance and commitment therapy: The process and practice of mindful change. Guilford Press.
  • Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror. Basic Books.
  • Maslach, C., & Leiter, M. P. (2016). Burnout: A critical analysis. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 16, 361-386.
  • NIMH. (2021). Anxiety disorders. Why Am I So Anxious?
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The views expressed in this article are those of the author. All articles published on Counselling Directory are reviewed by our editorial team.

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London SW2 & SE24
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Written by Amara Noveal
Reg. BACP, BSc, Dip.Counselling
location_on London SW2 & SE24
To find out more about Amara, and read her blog posts, you can visit Amaranovealtherapy.com
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