When the going gets tough: Managing tricky teen behaviour

Parenting your child as they hit their teen years can feel like riding a roller coaster. While wearing a blindfold.

You're never quite sure when you're going to be faced with arguments, slammed doors and shouting over what feels like the slightest interaction. You may look back just a couple of years ago and remember the easygoing, kind kid and then wonder if you'll ever be able to salvage your relationship. There's no doubt that this can be a challenging phase, and you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, in spite of walking on eggshells and having no idea how to respond. 

It is possible to rebuild your connection and establish a more calm and peaceful environment. Here are some practical strategies to help you navigate this rocky chapter with your teen.

First and foremost, it's important to acknowledge the emotional rollercoaster of parenting a teen because adolescence is a turbulent time - for you and your teenager. It is perfectly normal for you to feel frustrated, hurt and confused by your teen's behaviour.

I realise this can feel like an impossible dream when your kid is yelling in your face, but if you can keep your composure when things get heated, they are much less likely to escalate. This is challenging, and it's tempting to match their energy, but there are ways you can keep your cool.

It's the small steps you take regularly as part of your routine that help you remain calm (or calm enough) when things start to rev up. Also, you can take steps to prepare yourself for those situations you can forecast happening. Forewarned is forearmed, as they say - you know your child better than most and most likely know the situations likely to rile both of you. 

Tips to manage tricky teen behaviour

Focus on their behaviour rather than their personality

Try not to label your child as bad or difficult, but remember that it's their behaviour that needs addressing, not them as an individual. It's easier to diffuse tension and keep resentment in check when you keep this separation clear. 

Set clear boundaries

Young people need firm and consistent boundaries that give them room to flex their independence. Overbearing and overcontrolling rules are more likely to lead to pushback. Too much leniency is similarly not helpful - teens need clear boundaries that they can push back on but that are clear.

Don't take it personally

I realise this one can be difficult when it can feel very personal. Remember that your teen is working through a complex emotional roller coaster as they navigate identity, peer pressure and becoming more independent. Recognise that this inner struggle can manifest as rude or even aggressive behaviour. That's not to say that you excuse it or ignore it, but understanding where it comes from puts you in a better place to respond accordingly rather than reacting. 

Don't lecture

It just doesn't work and leaves them and you frustrated. Think about going into a conversation with curiosity and wanting to find out their perspective. They are much more likely to open up when they feel part of a dialogue than if they're just being lectured or told off. If you can present the issue as something you can work on and resolve together — when you ask them 'What do you think?'— you're more likely to gain their cooperation and input. 

Pick your battles

If you constantly nag about every little thing, it becomes harder for them to distinguish between big problems that need addressing and smaller ones that can be let go of. It doesn't mean you can never mention leaving mugs in their bedroom again, but think to yourself, 'Is this really where I want to be putting my energy, or can I let go of it, just for now?' When the environment is more peaceful, there is less room for power struggles. 

Connection, connection, connection

Maintaining a strong emotional bond makes all the difference. Find small ways to connect with your teen. Think about what you used to enjoy together, perhaps a comedy or series you enjoy watching together or those small in-jokes you have. 

If you feel that your relationship with your teen is negative and unmanageable, you are not the only parent or carer experiencing this and counselling can help. Your teen might also find therapy helpful. Suggest it to them as an option but respect their choice and recognise that they might not want it just now. Counselling for yourself can be a practical and supportive step to address these issues and get you back to feeling confident in your parenting.