When self-care feels like betrayal

If self-care feels like betrayal, you might put off that holiday, hobbies, rest or even going to the dentist. You might tell yourself that you’re fine without it, that it’s a waste of time or that you’ve got better things to do. Underneath those excuses, self-care might feel genuinely difficult. But that’s an odd thing to admit because self-care is good for you, right? Why would something that’s supposed to help you feel difficult?

It seems counterintuitive that self-care feels tough, because on the surface, it looks and sounds like it should feel good. But there are many reasons why committing to self-care can feel as though you are betraying yourself, letting other people down, or breaking an unspoken rule you’ve lived by for years.

Societal conditioning can teach that self-care is self-indulgent and that, for many women, in particular, they should put others first. This, on its own, can be enough to stop someone from truly taking care of themselves, but the truth is that these messages could also have been ingrained in your family of origin.

Roles within your family 

You may have taken on a caretaker role in your family. This can mean that the little girl, anxious about the wellbeing of those around her, grew up into the woman who never books the physio appointment or that weekend away. If you looked after siblings or other family members, either on a practical or emotional level, it could feel incredibly tough to prioritise yourself in adulthood.

Likewise, if there felt like there were conditions to being loved as a child, such as "you must put others first" or "you must be an easy child", it can feel unnatural to set your own boundaries or prioritise your needs.

If you were praised for self-sacrifice, studying or working very hard all the time, rest may have triggered shame. This could explain the uncomfortable feelings when you stop to look after yourself.

Family norms

Behaviour modelled within your family may also impact your perception of self-care, consciously or sub-consciously. For example, if you had a caregiver who worked very long hours, constantly cleaned the house or never pursued any of their hobbies, you might have learned this behaviour from them.

Sometimes, constant busyness can also become a way of avoiding difficult feelings or experiences that haven’t yet been processed. This can be passed on from generation to generation.

If you were part of a family where being in survival mode was the norm, for instance, if money was always tight and caregivers had numerous jobs or if it always seemed like the family was going from one crisis to the next, resting or self-care can feel like an out-of-reach luxury.

Breaking the pattern

It is possible to break these patterns, and it is important to do so with self-kindness and curiosity. Feelings of shame and guilt around prioritising yourself can be uncomfortable and even overwhelming, so it is important to go at your own pace. Counselling can help you explore where these patterns have come from, develop your own beliefs around wellbeing and self-care, and gradually build routines that work for you.

There are other ways to start feeling more comfortable caring for yourself. Practical steps might help, such as scheduling hobbies or rest time in your calendar or making plans with friends to build accountability. It might also help to start with small things, such as switching off notifications on your phone in the evenings or going for short walks after dinner. This can help you build up to bigger things, like taking a holiday or finally saying "no" when you need to.

You could also reflect on what it was like for you as a child if you were in a position where you were constantly caring for others. A younger part of you may be reacting to the idea of rest or prioritising yourself. You might find it helpful to acknowledge and validate what that younger part experienced. You can also let your younger self know that they don’t need to worry anymore because they are in a different environment now and you are the adult.

When we replay childhood patterns as adults, we might not realise that the younger part of us is still trying to survive and get things right. Self-compassion and self-care can often start with recognising these patterns and offering ourselves the understanding we may not have had at the time.

Caring for yourself doesn’t mean you are letting other people down. You don’t have to earn rest, and you don’t have to wait until you are exhausted before your needs become important. With time and attention, self-care can feel less like betrayal and more like a natural part of looking after yourself.