Does my therapist ‘get me’?

Finding the right therapist can feel like searching for a needle in a haystack. You’re looking for that one person who will ‘get you’, yet they may be hidden among hundreds of therapist profiles, depending on your postcode and whether you want in-person or online sessions.

It can be a daunting task. Sometimes it makes sense to narrow your search to someone you feel may understand your particular concerns or life experiences. You might look for a therapist who shares something similar with you. Perhaps they share your gender, cultural background, or experience with something important to you.

But how much do you and your therapist actually need to have in common for them to understand you?

What your therapist says without saying anything

When you meet a therapist for the first time, you inevitably notice things about them before they have told you anything about themselves. You may notice their clothing, whether they wear a wedding ring or religious headwear, their accent and practice location, and whether they conduct therapy from home or an office. This can give you clues about who your therapist is outside their professional relationship with you.

You can think of these as involuntary self-disclosures. Sometimes that’s a good thing; it can help build rapport and strengthen the relationship if you notice something that makes you feel comfortable or understood. At other times, these involuntary disclosures may begin to create distance.

You may wonder whether your therapist can understand what it’s like to navigate today’s dating pool when they are already married, or whether they understand your financial struggles when they may practice from a comfortable home in an expensive postcode.

Then there are deeper questions about race, ethnicity, and cultural differences. You may wonder whether a therapist who hasn't experienced racism can truly understand what it feels like to encounter a microaggression. Or whether a therapist whose life circumstances seem very different from yours can really appreciate the pressures you carry.

Does my therapist need to have similar experiences to me?

Your therapist may not have encountered the exact same life experiences that you bring into the room. In fact, it would be impossible for them to have. Even if a therapist has remarkably similar life experiences to you, they may have vastly different emotional responses to those experiences.

Empathy is the key. A therapist who is the right fit for you will try to understand your experiences in a way that builds an empathic bridge over any perceived differences.

They will stay deeply attuned to your experiences and help you feel safe exploring any differences between you. They will stay curious about your thoughts, feelings, and views while holding space for you to explore these themes more deeply and without judgement. They will notice differences between you rather than pretending they don't exist.

When empathy may not be enough

Empathy and understanding matter when searching for the right therapist; however, sometimes you need something more. Depending on what you're seeking support with, it may be worth finding a therapist with specialist training or experience in that area.

For example, if you are seeking support for an eating disorder, an addiction, or a recent diagnosis, you may want to consider whether your therapist has the relevant knowledge and experience to support you safely and effectively.

You might find it helpful to look at your therapist’s professional profile or website to see whether they mention a particular area of expertise and whether they hold the relevant qualifications and training to work in that area. This can help you make a more informed decision.

If your therapist offers an introductory call or session, it's a great opportunity to ask questions. You might ask about their training and experience with your particular concerns, how they would approach working with you, and whether they feel equipped to support you.

A good therapist should be open to discussing these questions and, where appropriate, acknowledging the limits of their experience.

What if I don’t feel understood?

If you feel your therapist is struggling to understand you or your experiences, it’s worth bringing it up with them. They may not know that you have been feeling this way. Talking about it together could open a conversation that helps you both understand the relationship in a new way.

Moments of misunderstanding can sometimes become valuable opportunities in therapy. Being able to say you don't feel understood, and having your therapist respond with curiosity rather than judgement, can be a meaningful experience in itself. If, after that conversation, you still don’t feel understood by your therapist, it’s OK to find someone who feels like a better fit for you.

However, it's important to distinguish between feeling misunderstood and feeling judged, shamed, or discriminated against. You should not feel that you have to tolerate harmful or discriminatory behaviour from your therapist simply because therapy can sometimes be uncomfortable. If you have serious concerns about how you have been treated, it may be appropriate to seek advice or raise your concerns through the relevant professional or regulatory channels.

Finding the right therapist is not necessarily about finding someone who looks like you, thinks like you, or has lived through the same experiences. It may be about finding someone genuinely curious about the person sitting in front of them.

So, the next time you wonder whether your therapist truly gets you, why not ask? You might be surprised by where the conversation takes you.