When pornography affects relationships: Understanding and healing

I’ve noticed something important happening lately – more and more women are coming to see me about their partner's pornography use. It’s an issue that's affecting relationships on a deep level, and I wanted to share what I’ve been seeing in my counselling room.

While I could talk about research and theories, what matters is the real-life impact this has on relationships and the emotional toll it takes. As a therapist, I focus on creating a judgment-free space where you can explore your feelings and experiences without pressure or shame.

Why does a partner’s pornography use feel like a betrayal?

When women come to see me about their partner's pornography use, it's rarely just about the videos themselves. What I hear time and again are things like:

• "I feel like I've been lied to."
• "I'm wondering if I'm just not good enough."
• "I didn't think relationships were supposed to be like this."
• "I don't know if I'm allowed to be upset about this."

These aren’t small worries – they cut right to the core of trust, intimacy, and self-worth. Discovering a partner’s pornography use can shake the foundation of a relationship, leaving feelings of betrayal, comparison, and self-doubt.

What makes this even harder is that pornography use is often normalised in society. This can leave many women questioning whether their feelings are even valid. But your feelings do matter. Feeling confused, hurt, or unsure about what this means for your relationship is OK.

You're not the only one

You're not alone in this. So many women sit in my counselling room thinking they must be overreacting or that they're the only one feeling this way. Trust me, you're not. I've sat with women from all walks of life who are going through the same thing.

This issue crosses all boundaries - age, background, relationship length, and beliefs. I've worked with women in their twenties just starting in relationships and women who've been married for decades. The common thread is the isolation they feel when confronting this issue.

There's no judgment in counselling about how you're feeling. Your experience is yours, and it matters. Whatever emotions are coming up for you – anger, sadness, confusion, grief – they all deserve space and acknowledgment.

Moving forward: How therapy can help

I don’t believe in telling you what to do or how to feel. Instead, we sit together and figure out what’s right for you at your own pace.

• We talk about what you're feeling without rushing to fix anything. Sometimes, just having your feelings validated can be incredibly healing.
• We look at what boundaries feel right for you and your relationship. Every relationship is different, and what works for one couple might not work for another.
• We work on rebuilding your confidence and self-esteem if it's been knocked. Many women find that their partner's pornography use impacts how they see themselves.
• We find ways for you to talk about hard topics with your partner if that's what you want to do. Communication about sensitive subjects like this can be challenging, and having support can make a difference.
• We think about what you want for your future, whether that involves staying in your current relationship or making changes.

Person-centred counselling puts you at the centre of everything. Every woman's situation is different, and so is every journey to feeling better.

I don't come to our sessions with all the answers ready-made. Instead, I'm there to walk alongside you, listening properly and helping you find your own way through. The therapeutic relationship we build together is the foundation for healing and growth.

Our sessions provide a confidential space where you can speak openly about issues that might feel too difficult to discuss elsewhere. Sometimes, having that space to explore your feelings can bring clarity where there was only confusion.

Finding your path

I've worked with many women who've found their way through this tough experience. Some have rebuilt their relationships, creating new understandings and boundaries with their partners. Others have decided to make different choices, but they all found a way forward that felt right for them.

If your relationship has been affected by pornography use, I hope you'll think about reaching out. Taking that first step can feel scary, but you don't have to deal with this on your own. It takes courage to seek support, and we're here when you're ready.