When only one partner wants to start couples counselling

Sometimes a relationship will hit a crisis point, and it can feel like there is no option but to attend counselling together. Other times, problems may be simmering, often for years, rather than boiling over. In these scenarios, often one partner tends to be more enthusiastic about starting therapy, and the other is begrudging or reluctant.

If you disagree about whether to come to relationship counselling, trying to understand each other’s perspective is a useful place to start. Below, we explore some common reasons for reluctance, debunk myths and question prompts to help discussions about starting relationship counselling together.

Common fears and beliefs about couples counselling

Being in relationship counselling involves a willingness to step into the shoes of your partner and look at the world through their lens. With this in mind, let’s explore some common reasons why people are reluctant to attend counselling.

Fear of being blamed

One common fear is worrying about being blamed for the issues in the relationship, which often involves concerns that the therapist and partner will gang up on them. For example, D tells their partner they are disrespectful and self-centred. At the end of their tether, they want to get the input of a couple’s counsellor. Their partner, L, hears “I want someone else to tell you how selfish you are being!”

Relationship therapists do not take sides or decide who is to blame. We facilitate open, honest discussion and build empathy between you.

Believing the problem lies solely with your partner

On the flip side of the above can be the belief “it’s not me, it’s you.” For example, Z believes that all the problems in the relationship come from P being sensitive because of previous trauma. They are adamant that the issues will be resolved through P attending personal therapy.

Improving communication, respect, and trust in a relationship involves all parties. It can be helpful to attend both personal and relationship counselling at the same time.

Worries about stigma or what counselling really means

Another general worry can be about stigma or what it means to attend relationship counselling, such as questioning, does it mean our relationship is “failing”? For example, J says they are fed up with returning to the same argument and want to explore why it keeps happening. Their partner hears “our relationship is falling apart” and buries their head in the sand.

Relationship counselling can unearth patterns behind why you experience points of disagreement. It builds thriving, loving, and fulfilling partnerships.

Differences in how you each experience the relationship

Another reason for reluctance reflects differences in how you experience the relationship. Disagreeing about the need for relationship counselling can signal that one partner is unhappy, and the other is content with the way things are. For example, M is annoyed and frustrated that they are picking up more of the emotional and physical labour for the family. Their partner, P, is fine and thinks they do enough. When M complains, P shuts down and brushes it off.

Ignoring grievances does not make them disappear; it can grow into festering resentment.

Tips for speaking to a partner about starting couples counselling

Understanding each other’s perspective, thoughts, and attitude about relationship counselling is a good place to start.

The question prompts below might support you in having an open and honest discussion about beginning relationship counselling:

• What could relationship counselling together help us to gain? Focus on positives rather than deficits in the relationship.
• Why is this important to our relationship? Focus on why your relationship is important.
• How do you personally feel in the relationship? Speak about yourself rather than your partner, for example, “I feel exhausted and in need of some help” rather than “you don’t do enough around here."
• What will your role be in relationship counselling? Take accountability for your part if you can, for example, “we are both arguing, and it isn’t getting us anywhere.”
• What is your biggest fear about starting this, and what could help to reduce this fear? For example, perhaps the reluctant partner might want to lead the research and make initial contact with therapists.

Taking the first step

Relationship counselling takes commitment from everyone. If one party is truly resistant, now may not be the right time to start. However, I often recommend just dipping your toe in the water. Book a call with a few different therapists. Have a first session. You are under no obligation to attend again. Take the first step.