When good behaviour hides emotional struggles in children

As parents, carers, and teachers, we often feel proud of well-behaved children, thinking their good manners and obedience mean they're doing well. But it's important to remember that a well-behaved child isn't always emotionally well. Similarly, an emotionally well child might not always be perfectly behaved. This distinction is crucial for fostering a child's overall development and well-being.

Understanding well-behaved children

A well-behaved child is often perceived as one who follows rules, listens attentively, and avoids causing disruptions. While these traits can indicate good upbringing and discipline, they may also mask underlying emotional struggles. Here are some reasons why a well-behaved child might not be emotionally well:

Suppressing emotions: A child who consistently behaves well might be suppressing their emotions to avoid conflict or disapproval. They learn to hide their feelings, leading to emotional bottling, which can have long-term negative effects on their mental health.

Fear of conflict: These children might fear the consequences of expressing their true feelings. The fear of punishment or disapproval can cause them to internalise their struggles, leading to anxiety or depression.

Seeking approval: A child who strives to be well-behaved might be doing so to gain approval and validation from adults. This behaviour, driven by the need for constant approval, may hinder the child's ability to develop a strong sense of self and independence.

Recognising emotionally well children

Emotionally well children, on the other hand, are those who can understand, express, and manage their emotions effectively. They might not always conform to the idea of perfect behaviour, but their ability to handle emotional ups and downs is a sign of good mental health. Here are some characteristics of emotionally well children that might sometimes be mistaken for bad behaviour:

Expressing themselves freely: Emotionally healthy children feel safe to express their emotions openly, even if it sometimes results in disruptive behaviour. Their willingness to share their feelings indicates a secure attachment and a healthy emotional environment.

Testing boundaries: Pushing limits and testing boundaries is a natural part of development. It helps children learn about the world around them and understand social norms. While this behaviour can be challenging, it’s often a sign of a confident and curious child.

Resilience: Emotionally well children typically recover quickly from setbacks and disappointments. Their resilience is a sign of strong emotional health, even if it sometimes involves outbursts or defiance.

Let's take the example of James, a seven-year-old boy who was always polite, quiet, and well-behaved in school. His teachers praised him for his good manners and obedience. However, at home, his parents noticed he often seemed withdrawn and anxious. He rarely talked about his feelings and would get extremely upset over minor issues.

Concerned about James's well-being, his parents sought the help of a counsellor. Through counselling sessions, it became evident that James was suppressing his emotions at school to avoid getting into trouble and to meet the expectations of being the "good kid." He feared disappointing his teachers and parents, which led to a lot of internal stress.

With the support of his counsellor, James began to learn how to express his feelings in a healthy way. His parents also received guidance on how to create a more open and supportive environment at home. Over time, James started to show signs of emotional well-being. He became more communicative and less anxious, even though he occasionally pushed boundaries and tested limits.

This story highlights the importance of recognising that a child's good behaviour might be masking underlying emotional issues. It also shows how counselling can help both the child and the parents address these challenges.

How counselling can help

Counselling can play a crucial role in helping parents spot and address the emotional needs of their children. Here are some ways counselling can be beneficial:

Identifying emotional struggles: Counsellors are trained to spot signs of emotional distress that parents or teachers might overlook. They can help identify issues such as anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem in well-behaved children.

Encouraging open communication: Counselling provides a safe space for children to express their feelings openly. This can help children who are used to hiding their emotions learn to communicate more effectively.

Supporting parents: Counsellors can guide parents on how to create an environment that supports both good behaviour and emotional well-being. This includes strategies for validating emotions, setting boundaries, and addressing underlying needs.

Building resilience: Counselling can help children develop coping skills and resilience. This enables them to handle setbacks and challenges more effectively, contributing to their overall emotional health.

Practical tips for parents

To support both good behaviour and emotional well-being in children, it's important to adopt a holistic approach that addresses their emotional needs as well as their actions. Here are some practical tips for parents and carers:

Encourage open communication: Create a safe space for your child to express their feelings without fear of judgement. Encourage them to talk about their day, share their emotions, and discuss any challenges they face.

Validate emotions: Acknowledge your child's feelings, even when addressing their behaviour. For instance, you might say, "I understand you're upset, but we need to talk about how we show our feelings." This approach helps children feel heard and understood.

Model healthy emotional expression: Children learn by observing adults. Show them how to handle emotions constructively through your own behaviour. Demonstrating calmness, patience, and effective communication sets a positive example.

Balance discipline with empathy: Set clear boundaries and expectations while being empathetic to your child's emotional experiences. Discipline should be about teaching and guiding, not just punishment.

Focus on underlying needs: Look beyond the behaviour to understand the root causes. Is your child acting out due to stress, fear, or needing more attention? Addressing these underlying needs can lead to better behaviour and emotional health.

Conclusion

Understanding that a well-behaved child isn't always an emotionally well child, and vice versa, is crucial for fostering a child’s overall well-being. By creating an environment that supports open communication, validates emotions, models healthy behaviour, balances discipline with empathy, and addresses underlying needs, we can help children develop into balanced, resilient, and genuinely well-behaved individuals.

By shifting our focus from mere behaviour to emotional wellness, we pave the way for healthier, happier children who are equipped to navigate the complexities of life with confidence and resilience.